It’s like layoffs for your lexiconFebruary 25, 2012
Regular Renal readers know that we like words. I even have a new copy of the American Heritage Dictionary (I won it from The New Yorker, this thing is thick enough to stop a shotgun blast), and I got it autographed by one of its editors because I wanted to be the first person ever to have an autographed dictionary. That’s what I do, I innovate the game. What have you cunting done lately?
Anyway, we like words, and as such there are certain words we hate as well. That’s why this list of “Top 10 Words That Need to Die, Immediately” got our attention, mainly because it was actually a really good list. So let’s roll down the list…
“If someone uses the word ‘bromance,’ shoot them because they’re a replicant,” says Mikka. “They’re obviously a robot who is trying unsuccessfully to infiltrate our ranks so they can kill the leader of the human resistance against the machines.”
“Mancaves… bah,” says Ninja Vicki. “There’s only one man who should have a cave, and that’s Batman. Everything else is just a garishly decorated rec room for your male insecurities.”
“Awesomesauce, really?” I say. “People say that on a regular basis, yet my brilliant word vagin-o-mite still gets no love? Fuck you, people. Vagin-o-mite is masterful and when it finally catches on you won’t be allowed to say it. Bastards.”
“I’ve had some girls tell me they were a bit of a foodie,” says Anonymous Doug. “Let me tell you, the response to that statement isn’t ‘Is that’s what they’re calling fat chicks now?'”
“I say irregardless in my office as a weapon of irony,” says Tina the Lesbian. “It’s my cue to people that I’m joking, and you’d be surprised how many people need that sort of prompting in an office setting.”
“I know where ‘fail‘ came from as an internet meme and one-word-exclamation standpoint,” says Mikka. “Back in like 1996, Killer Instinct Gold came out on the Nintendo64 and it had a training mode where you chose a character and had to duplicate special moves and combos in a tutorial setting. If you got it right, the floating old man said ‘pass.” If you fucked up, he said ‘fail.” This obviously where fail originated, and it was awesome until everyone ruined it by plastering it to every picture on the Internet.”
“Nom is on the list?” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “Wasn’t NOM that group that made that Gathering Storm video about gay marriage coming to ruin everyone else’s marriages and all it did was get people to make hilarious parodies that made NOM look like fools? No wonder this word sucks. Oh, wait, it’s the sound Cookie Monster makes when he eats? Well, it’s still not that good of a word anyway.”
“Totes is a fucking horrible word and if you say it you’re a horrible person,” I say. “It’s the verbal equivalent of wearing flip-flops with pants or jeans: a clear indicator that I should not take you seriously and you’re probably wrong about everything. It’s a highly judgmental and severe stand, yes, but I’ve done the research and I’m right.”
“Yeah, can people stop saying ‘winning‘ as a one word response?” says Ninja Vicki. “There are much better things to steal from Charlie Sheen’s bipolar rants. Plus Tag Larkin already won everything.”
“LOL is just the lazy way in the text medium of saying you found something funny,” says Tina the Lesbian. “I would ask people to elaborate and expand on how funny they found something, but all these smartphones have auto-correct which screws up more words than it corrects, so I can kind of see why we keep LOL around.”
We really can’t think of any other words we’d like to see die, but we do have a bit of animosity toward people who overuse Twitter terminology like “tweet” and “trending” and “hashtag,” mainly because it warns us that the person probably can’t carry on a conversation that goes beyond 160 characters. So what words do you want to see taken out on a boat and shot in the back of the head like Fredo in The Godfather Part II?