Banging is better, but liquor is quicker

March 18, 2012

Scientists found out something of interest to us that doesn’t involve Kylie Minogue clones.  Apparently male fruit flies, when they don’t get sex from female fruit flies, turn to alcohol for comfort.

The study explains that the sexually deprived flies had half the amount of a substance called neuropeptide F (NPF) in their brains than the sexually satisfied males had. In turn, those low levels of NPF may have driven the rejected males to seek the pleasure of alcohol. Mammals, including humans, have a similar (but not identical) substance in their brains called neuropeptide Y, and the study’s authors suggest their fruit-fly findings might shed light on mechanisms behind human substance abuse and addiction.

“I do notice I drink more when I’m not getting laid,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “But I thought that was because I filling up all that non-making out time with more drinking.  Apparently I was just self-medicating as usual.”

“Doug’s right,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “You’re out with your friends at a bar, they get to talking to other people and start hooking up, you’re left by yourself so of course you’re going to burn that time drinking to feel better about not getting any.”

“Come to think of it, a lot of time when I think to myself ‘Hey, I’m not getting laid,’ my brain will usually reply with ‘Well, that frees us up for some beers,'”  I say.  “I thought that was because I have a drinking problem, but apparently it’s just my brain’s way of saying ‘Yeah, you’re not getting any pussy, but here’s a consolation prize.'”

“When you can’t spank the monkey, a few stiff drinks will bring  down your raging boner while making you feel somewhat good in the process,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat who, like all cats, has a barbed penis.  “Whatever gets the right chemicals in your head flowing that keep you from slitting your wrists.”

“I’m glad other members of the animal kingdom are discovering the joys of alcohol,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Makes me think I’m not drinking alone most of the time.  Somewhere there’s a fruit fly getting a buzz on while I’m having my third glass of wine.”

“I feel bad for the other members of the animal kingdom who don’t have access to alcohol,”  says Mikka.  “No sex or booze for you, little duck-billed platypus.  You have to face the emptiness alone.”

“Tag Larkin has sex when he’s not drinking!”  says Tag Larkin.  “Is Tag Larkin’s fridge empty of tallboys?  No problem.  Tag Larkin will go have sex then.”

So if you’re not getting laid, have a drink or five.  It’s natural.  Unlike pants.




  1. Just as well I’m getting laid these days. I don’t have the head for alcohol.

  2. This is like one of those movies where all of the main characters complain about not getting laid and then they all totally do it. with each other.

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