Shut off your brain and take off your pants

April 19, 2012

If I had a time machine, I’d want to go find the person who created pornography. Not to tell him thanks or shake his hand because he probably won’t speak my language and will find my clothing from the future threatening and frightening. I just want to witness how he came to the conclusion that it would be awesome to have some sort of visual record of people fucking so we can enjoy it at our convenience.

NOTE: Yes, I’m presuming the creator of pornography is male, because I’m seeing pornography being created as the solution to a problem, that problem being how to witness sexual acts  and hot pieces of ass when no one’s around.  Just like how men invented weapons out of the problem of how to kill people more better-like.

The above only tangentially leads into this article I read about porn that states that when you watch porn – and we’re talking the explicit stuff, not that soft-core bullshit – part of your brain shuts down.  Apparently when watching graphic sexual acts, the part of your brain that handles visual stimuli goes for a little coffee break.

To Holstege, those results suggest that the brain is focusing on sexual arousal as more important than visual processing during these erotic films.

“You have to realize that the brain wants to spare as much energy as possible, so if some part of the brain is not necessary at a high level of functioning, it immediately goes down,” Holstege said.

“Then my brain must be really lazy as fuck because it keeps telling me it’s a good idea to go porn-hunting on the Internet,” I say. “It keeps saying ‘Hey, you’re not doing anything important, have yourself a good wank,’ and sometimes it’s a very compelling case.”

“Some activities you do just so you can shut your brain off for a while,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Some people do it with reality TV, other people need some hot fuck action.  Whatever works.”

“There’s the old joke about how there’s only enough blood in the body to properly work your brain or your genitals,” says Mikka.  “And now science is telling me that might be right?  Awesome.”

“The less attention your brain spends on a porno, the better off you are,” says Bernie the Half Cyborg Cat.  “You don’t want to be cognizant of plot holes or continuity errors when you’re just trying to get yourself off.”

The article also has this cool little nugget…

The brain can either be anxious or aroused (or neither), Holstege said, but not both. During orgasm, he has found, activity in brain regions associated with anxiety plummets. This phenomenon may explain why women with low levels of sexual desire often have high levels of anxiety, Holstege said.

“So wanking off is just as good as Zoloft?”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Too bad that does nothing for my pathological urge to steal stuff. I can steal pills from your medicine cabinet. I can’t steal your wanking.  Well, maybe your spank bank of magazines, or your porno tapes, or your laptop.  But wanking always finds a way.”

“One good orgasm and all is right with the world,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “You don’t care about anything after that.  I’m surprised more parts of your brain don’t switch off after an orgasm, like it goes into low power sleep mode or something.

This last quote is notable…

“If you want to have sex, as a man, you need to produce a safe situation for the woman,” Holstege said. “That is what you want, that is the most important thing.”

“This guy hasn’t seen my bedroom,” says Anonymous Doug.  “Ropes, handcuffs, shackles, tape, ballgags, bridles, chains, saddles, that harness hanging above the bed… it’s the most unsafe-looking place on Earth.  And some chicks get off on that.”

“I don’t make love until I’ve made a full inspection of the room,” says Samurai Cathy.  “Only after the area is secured will allow my lover to get to second base, which will then allow me to frisk him for hidden weapons before we either go all the way or I stab him with my secondary knife for his treachery. Luckily, Mikka is not a treacherous bastard, so he lives when we make love.”

So porn gives the brain a much-needed break, keeping it from taxing itself too much from trying to recognize threats and figuring shit out.  Because there ain’t nothing to figure out when you see a girl taking it in the ass while sucking off another guy. That’s as simple as it gets for your brain.



  1. given the choice of watching “Dancing With the Stars” or “Latex Lesbians Fuck Like Rats”? it’s a no-brainer. and i mean “no-brainer”. i love porn. i don’t take zoloft, xanax or paxil because i’ve got high speed wank-fodder on-demand.

    but i have noticed that i’ve become really lousy at figuring shit out.

  2. Tell Anonymous Doug that I don’t know many girls who get on off ballgags. Actually, i don’t know any. Or maybe that’s just a big dirty secret my girlfriends are keeping from me. Daisyfae….?

    • Anonymous Doug cares about getting girls off?

      • Good point :-)

        Hey, how come I don’t see you at the gimcrack much any more?

      • I’m not around much of anywhere these days, too busy with outside stuff. Hopefully things will clear up in the near future.

  3. This adds an interesting wrinkle to that old business of why guys who look like good providers get laid a lot. Because, you know, nothing makes a woman anxious like the expectation that her life is going to be spent working her ass off in a world where Rich Male Fuckwads will make sure she never spends a night free of worrying what bill will hit her next.

    Unfortunately those of us with a strong reality-checking tool are violently skeptical of any man who swans himself as a “good provider.” We end up going for smart, quirky guys who are usually as anxious as we are.

    It’s hell calculating the dose of Valium (and porn), really.

  4. Porn shuts it down. We needed a study for this?
    (Sidenote: How does one get to be a part of these studies? Is there beer? Okay, so before the porn, do you talk to a hot guy that doesn’t ask for your number so you go home and masturbate? No? Gay.)

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