My heart thinks you’re really gullible

May 18, 2012

So here’s this story about a teacher in Kansas being a dumb-ass on Facebook and posting a message about homosexuality being… well, I think he can put it best in his own words, in bite-sized chunks for us to provide the proper derision:

“All this talk in the news about gay marriage recently has finally driven me to write. Gay marriage is wrong because homosexuality is wrong. The Bible clearly states it is sin.”

“I keep thinking if God really thought homosexuality was a sin, he would have put it on the Ten Commandments,” says Ninja Vicki.  “The Lord certainly could have put ‘Thou shalt not put it in the pooper’ on the tablets if this was such a big deal. He could have made it fit, he’s God, he can chose a smaller font.”

“Now I do not claim it to be a sin any worse than other sins. It ranks in God’s eyes the same as murder, lying, stealing, or cheating.”

“The Almighty has an interesting tier system when it comes to sin classification,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Apparently everything’s been upgraded from venial sin level to mortal hell-bound sin status.  Sin inflation is out of control.”

His standards are perfect and ALL have sinned and fallen short of His glory. Sin is sin and we all deserve hell.

“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with a deity behaving like my mother-in-law,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “Nothing’s ever good enough for her… which is why the last four family gatherings have almost ended in fistfights.”

Only those who accept Christ as Lord and daily with the help of the Spirit do their best to turn from sin will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. There aren’t multiple ways to get to Heaven. There is one. To many this may seem close minded and antagonistic, but it doesn’t make it any less true.

“I think I said something similar to this on my last date,” says Anonymous Doug.  “I said to this chick, “Look, you’re either giving me a blow job or you’re walking home.  There aren’t multiple ways to get me to drive you home, there’s one. This may seem close-minded and antagonistic, but it doesn’t make it any less true.”

Folks I am willing to admit that my depravity is just as great as anyone else’s, and without Christ I’d be destined for hell, if not for the undeserved grace of God.

“I seriously doubt your depravity approaches the depths to which I’ve plunged,” says Anonymous Doug with a laugh. “Seriously doubt.”

“I’m not fond of that ‘if not for the undeserved grace of God’ part,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “It makes God sound like an abusive husband, and I really don’t like picturing any deity sitting on a couch with a wifebeater t-shirt on and a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon in hand.”

“I’m not condemning gay marriage because I hate gay people. I am doing it because those who embrace it will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven. And I desire that for no one.”

“But you just told us we all deserve hell,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Conversely, that means going to heaven is getting something we don’t deserve.  Are we equating gaining access to paradise with insurance fraud?  Do we have to stand before St. Peter at the pearly gates with a neck brace and a faked limp to get in?”

“Maybe you don’t hate gay people in the usual terms of hate, but you certainly think of us as lesser-people,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “You’ve already equated being gay with being a murderer or a thief.  When you assume someone as hellbound for something inherent in their being, you’ve already given someone a lower rank on your leaderboard of people. I don’t know if that qualifies as hate, but it certainly qualifies you as an asshole.”

Now while my colleagues dug into this teacher’s ill-conceived Facebook post, I took notice of his paltry defense.

“I wrote what I wrote for my Facebook friends who understand my heart and my intent,” Conkling told the Hutchinson News. “I understand that there were some folks who didn’t understand my heart, and while that’s sad, it is what it is.”

This caught my attention because I remembered someone else using the “heart” defense… Rick Santorum’s press lackey Alice Stewart who when confronted by a Dutch reporter about her’s boss’s lying about euthanasia practices in Holland sputtered out in impotent defense “A lot of these things is a matter of what’s in his heart.”   I’m starting to get the feeling that “the heart” is some sort of code, something along the lines of “Just ignore the insipidly batshit stupid things I say and accept the at-odds-with-reality overly positive image of myself that I want you to have of me.”  It’s like Christianity’s way of arguing like the Black Knight in Monty Python.  Sure, he may look like he’s got no arms, but in his heart he’s got two healthy limbs ready to have at you.  I call it Christianity’s way because I haven’t seen anyone in Judaism, Islam. Hinduism, or Wicca invoke a “heart” argument yet.

If you intend one thing but end up doing something else, you fucked up.  Own up to it and try to do better next time.  Don’t blame your cock-up on people not having the mystical cognitive powers to divine what you think you truly are, especially because there are very few people who truly are who they think they are.  There’s what you want to be, and want you do, and there’s a constant discrepancy between the two.  How you manage that gulf is a factor on whether or not you’re an asshole douchenozzle.

Remember: the heart is great at pumping blood, but  it reasons very poorly.



  1. ” I really don’t like picturing any deity sitting on a couch with a wifebeater t-shirt on and a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon in hand.”

    Avonia, I know where you’re coming from

  2. the logic flaws stack up like semi trucks on a foggy florida interstate highway… HIS depravity is worse. He has Jeebus as his wingman and gets into heaven. If i’m gay, Jeebus won’t ride shotgun with me?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: