Retroactively my teenage years weren’t filled with humiliation and isolationJuly 18, 2012
It’s been a busy week for us here at the Failure, ever since Mitt Romney taught us the secrets of time travel when one of his aides went on TV to say that Mitt had “retroactively retired” from Bain Capital in 1999 even though he still working there through 2002. Retroactive is new bullshit flavor of the month, so get it while it’s still popular.
“I retroactively invented Instagram,” I say. “And also I retroactively recorded the song The Humpty Dance.”
“Retroactive to 2005, I dated Sarah Michelle Gellar,” says Tina the Lesbian. “It was such a hot relationship, no one remembers it even happening.
“Retroactively I got accepted to Princeton,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “And while we’re at it… I also got in with a 4.0 GPA, majored in Political Science, and eventually became a state senator.”
“I retroactively wore a rubber when I banged that twitchy freak room chick in that crack house,” says Anonymous Doug. “So retroactively I did not need those penicillin shots and thus should get a refund from my general practitioner for services that were retroactively not rendered for the insane burning on my crotch that never happened.”
“Retroactively I wasn’t the last girl in my class to get her period,” says Ninja Vicki. “Dorothy Radon fucking lied, and if she hadn’t been murdered by her ex-husband, I’d torture the shit out of her to make her confess. Wait, I retroactively made Dorothy Radon confess to actually being the last in my class to get her period. Fuck yeah bullshit time travel!”
“If I watch a bootleg copy of The Dark Knight Rises before it comes out in theaters, does that mean I retroactively saw it?” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “Because that’s what I did with the other two Batman movies.”
“My boss got on my case for being late to work, so I showed up early the next day and told him that meant I was retroactively on-time,” says Mikka. “He wasn’t sure how that worked, so he couldn’t argue.”
“I retroactively went to my senior prom,” says Samurai Cathy. “The country club that they held the prom at 16 years ago held a sword auction last month that I attended. That counts.”
“Tag Larkin does nothing retroactively!” says Tag Larkin. “The world reacts retroactively to everything Tag Larkin does!”
We wrote this post on a Wednesday, but with WordPress publishing we could have retroactively posted to last Monday, but then you’d never know that we had written this post. So then when you tell us we only wrote one post last week, we’d go “Nah uh, because we wrote two, one was just written retroactively from this week!” And then who would look foolish? Not us, because we’re the one bending space and time.