Spiteful Chicken Sandwiches Taste Like Spite

July 27, 2012

If you’ve been a regular Renal Failure reader, then you know that, above all else, human beings run on spite – Americans in particular. We have an over-developed “fuck you” reflex that we’ve been enhancing with spiteful steroids over the past two centuries or so.  “Fuck you, Britain! We’re gonna be our own country!”  “Fuck you Northern States! We’re keeping our slaves!” “Fuck you, moon!  We’re going to land on you!”

The best example of spite being the driver of the bus of humanity came out recently when the CEO of Chick-fil-a (pronounced Chick Filet, and not Chickaphilia) admitted what a bunch of people already knew: the company contributes to anti-gay marriage causes and takes a biblical stance on the topic of marriage. Oh, and this quote too:

“I think we are inviting God’s judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at him and say, ‘We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage,'” Cathy said. “And I pray God’s mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about.”

Considering no Chick-fil-a is ever open on a Sunday, we’re thinking a lot more people should have seen this coming.

So this starts the initial “fuck you” of pro-gay people taking to their social media accounts to proclaim “Fuck you Chick-fil-a” and they won’t be getting their business, if they ever did in the first place.  The “fuck you” evolves from these moral stance declarations on the same platforms they post their drunk party pics to events like “National Same Sex Kiss Day at Chick-fil-a” which won’t have the intended effect that participants think because  the only people representing Chick-fil-a who will see this will be the minimum-wage earners behind the counter who have no control or say over which stupid causes Chick-fil-a donates their money to.  The girl at the cash register doesn’t give a fuck if 30 gay couples kiss at the same time in front of her, she’s trying to make the fucking rent. Take your chicken sandwich combo and sit the hell down.

The “Fuck you Chick-fil-a” got louder when the mayor of Boston wrote a damn letter to the CEO of Chick-fil-a expressing his displeasure, saying  “There is no place for discrimination on Boston’s Freedom Trail and no place for your company alongside it.” Then a Chicago alderman stated he was going to block a permit for a new Chick-fil-a that was going to open in his ward.  And this gives us serious pause because this sort of game of “fuck you fuck-upsmanship” played on a level of actual power and influence leads to other spiteful decisions and soon nothing gets to open anywhere because of “Fuck you.” Plus it’s this sort of fuckery that keeps strip clubs from opening up locations more convenient to my house (fuck you zoning board!).

Next comes the “Counter Fuck You” where the people who are against gay marriage, or just against the people who are for gay marriage, step up to the mic to throw down some douchebaggery.  Now they’re all about Chick-fil-a, frequenting the establishment even more than they previously did, especially if they didn’t go there before. “What, those people hate Chick-fil-a for being against gay marriage, that’s where we’re eating from now on.”  We have people going to lunch or dinner purely out of spite.  That’s a fucked up meal right there.

The escalation the “Counter Fuck You” comes in the form of FOXNews’ Mike Huckabee pushing for a “Chick-fil-a Appreciation Day,” which former Presidential candidate and all-around awful human being Rick Santorum seconded by tweeting about his recent meals there – which is worse than Foursquaring your eating location or doing that stupid thing where people take photos of their food and post them on Instagram.  Congratulations, you’ve graduated to a new level of personal sadness.  Your trip to a fast food restaurant is as far from pertinent as our analyzing devices can measure – save for if a fight breaks out or gun shots are fired or someone drives their SUV through the front window.

Side note: if you created a Venn diagram using a circle for the people who are now all about Chick-fil-a and a circle for the people who had opposed that there would be a mosque three blocks from where the Twin Towers used to be, we’re pretty confident you’d have just one circle on the paper.

Then came the “fuck you reality” offensive when someone (likely a PR flack hired by Chick-fil-a) created a fake Facebook profile in which to defend Chick-fil-a following the Jim Henson’s Company’s “Fuck You” to Chick-fil-a when they said they weren’t going to work with them anymore (the Muppets married a frog and pig, don’t talk to them about traditional marriage).  We’re pretty sure half of the people on the Internet are probably planted flacks for whatever interest or company so this came as no surprise, but why aren’t we getting any of that action?  Is it because our language is so salty that it takes up half your daily sodium intake? Certainly can’t be because of our glistening virtue and integrity.

Sidenote lesson: Trust no one on the Internet unless they call someone else a fucking cunt.  It’s the Voight-Kampff test to determine whether or not someone is a replicant created by a PR/Marketing firm to handle social media issues.  Because it’s hard to advocate for a corporate brand when you’re calling someone a fucking cunt on your blog or Twitter feed or Facebook page.

Anyway, to wind this down, we will note that it is easier for people to not go to Chick-fil-a anymore than for people to increase their visits, mainly because Chick-fil-a isn’t good.  The chicken sandwiches are small, the waffle fry portions are meager, and the chicken nuggets and chicken strips barely hold together when dipped in sauce.  It’s less work to just inject yourself with a bowl full of sodium, and probably more filling too.  It’s pretty much a “fuck you” to your own body, much like how Taco Bell is a “fuck you” to your colon – but sometimes you just need a good intestinal purge.

As always, there will soon be something else to yell “fuck you” at, to yell “fuck you” at the first “fuck you,” and to yell “fuck you” back at the other “fuck you” in perpetuity, which only cements our assertion that spite is the primary engine of the human race (which keeps us flush with blogging material).  And in keeping with the spite engine theory, the only time we can see ourselves visiting Chick-fil-a is probably when we’re mad at a gay person for some reason, much in the same way we donate money to the Free Mumia people whenever we get mad at the police.  Spite must find an outlet of some kind or it backs up your system with dire results (e.g. Richard Nixon).

Admitting you are a spiteful beast is the first step toward… uh… FUCK YOU!


  1. Let’s just say I’m happier than ever to be a vegetarian.

  2. we have moved past the “Fuck You” stage and are now into the “Well, that’s all i’m a gonna say about the haters — on BOTH sides” phase, where people who lost arguments with other people want to go back to posting pictures of waterfalls with meaningful sayings printed over top, and then add the insightful comment of “so true!” beneath it…

    fuck you facebook-tards.

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