You’re interrupting Pokemon for this?

August 12, 2012

We’ve been taking it easy here at the Failure.  Haven’t watched most of the Olympics, but we will say that we are fascinated by the sport of Handball.  It’s our favorite obscure sport of the summer (our winter one is curling).  It’s certainly more interesting and exciting than soccer.  No fucking nil-nil ties, and no wankers diving to the ground when a stiff breeze hits them either.

But during these games, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney decided not to wait for the Republican convention in September and name his Vice-Presidential nominee this past Saturday morning.  I may not be the savviest media analyst in the game, but I’m pretty sure the strategy of making a major announcement on a Saturday morning only works if you’re debuting a new kids’ cartoon, line of toys, or sugary cereal.  We wonder if any of the networks cut into their Saturday morning cartoons to run this announcement, which would lead us to believe Mitt Romney chose to announce his VP just to fuck with children – which makes a lot more sense than it really should.

Anyway, Romney chose Congressman Paul Ryan from Wisconsin, who as regular Renal readers may recall came up with the worst budget idea ever but pundits like it because it fucks poor people in the ass with a plugged-in curling iron.  The linked article by New York Times paint-drinker-in-residence Matt Bai has this money paragraph:

Republicans admire the boldness of Mr. Ryan’s vision, even if his proposals are a little too bleak for the campaign trail. “He’s not saying the world’s going to be full of butterscotch sundaes,” is how Jeb Bush described the plan to me recently. “He’s saying: ‘Eat your broccoli. And then maybe you don’t get to eat at all for a few days. You don’t get steak — ever.’”

Of course, it’s only the poor people who get stuck eating broccoli once every couple days. The rich people actually get to eat more steak than usual.  But apparently two years after this bold vision of food deprivation, it’s been decided that this plan is no longer too bleak for the campaign trail – now it gets to be the headlining act.  It’s like when you hear a bad idea being pitched for a movie and you think ” That sounds fucking awful” and then you forget about it until it actually hits theaters a year or so later and you’re like “Oh fuck, they really went through with it.”  Yeah, that system isn’t just relegated to Hollywood.

On a glibber, more personal note we like this choice because we know a local stand-up comic who looks like Paul Ryan and now he’s going to be set for material at least the next three months (and he’s a cool guy too).

Ryan’s an improvement over 2008’s VP-nominee Sarah Palin in that Paul Ryan can form coherent sentences that have punctuation and can be properly diagrammed.  And should he lose in November, we’re pretty sure he won’t quit his Congressman job and go into reality TV.

Best of all, at least to us, we’re going to a prominent look at  a specimen the newest American philosophy that merges Ayn Rand’s Objectivism and Prosperity Christianity together so that you get all the assholish, selfish sociopathy but with none of the atheism and twice the daily recommended dosage of Capitalist He-Man/Morally Judgmental Jesus (he’s the version of Jesus who says it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven, so we’re going to use child labor in our factories in Southeast Asia to make really big fucking needles and impale poor people with them, oh and gays are icky).  Sure, Ryan’s had to distance himself from his previous praise and devotion for Ayn Rand because her atheism doesn’t jibe too well with Capitalist He-Man/Morally Judgmental Jesus, but it’s a small concession to make in the larger scheme of stomping poor people in the face in service to the wealthiest among us.

So… Romney/Ryan 2012 – Because rich people have a sad.



  1. Why is American politics coming more and more to resemble a fight in a high school locker room?

    The only thing reassuring about this is that I once was involved in a locker room fight, and I sent six people to the nurse’s office but emerged without injuries. As they were all rich snots, I am grappling this memory to my heart for whatever predictive power it may embody.

  2. certainly has me looking at my curling iron in a fresh light…

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