You were only nine credits away from being a legitimate rapist

August 20, 2012

I haven’t posted in a while, just hadn’t felt the muse move me to do an entry in the long catalog of lies here.  Then a sitting US Congressman/US Senate candidate decides he has something to say about the topic of rape… and our ears perk up like Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat’s when someone uses a can opener.

“First of all, from what I understand from doctors, (pregnancy from rape) is really rare,” Akin told KTVI-TV in a clip posted to YouTube by the Democratic super PAC American Bridge. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

What has a non-believing atheist like myself done to be blessed from on high with such a delicious bounty of fucktard idiocy?  NOTHING.  It’s a random universe, but because we’re in America the chances of this stupid shit happening goes up so statistically this was a highly likely occurrence and not a sign of divine providence.

Actually, it’s even more likely than usual because the whole “female body shuts down fertility capabilities during a rape” bullshit apparently is a common reoccurring idea that springs up in pro-life circles, which then some dumbass politician ends up saying in a public forum.

Akin’s claim is one that pops up occasionally in social conservative circles. A federal judge nominated by President Bush in the early 2000s had said similar things, as have state lawmakers in North Carolina and Pennsylvania.

Politicians and activists who espouse this view often suggest that women who haven’t been raped will claim to have been raped in order to obtain an abortion. An Idaho state lawmaker apologized earlier this year after urging doctors to make sure women who claimed they had been raped were sure of that fact.

Akin himself has suggested in the past that women may claim to be raped as a strategy during divorce proceedings.

Ever have a family member no one particularly cares for, so everyone secretly comes up with an awful nickname for them based on something awful they had done?  Also, have you ever ended up at some family gathering and you forget that nickname’s supposed to be a secret and you say it out loud so your awful family member hears it and now everyone’s mad at you for saying the secret shit out loud and causing a cuntstorm of drama?  That’s what this is.  It’s secret shit that’s not supposed to leave that circle brought out for non-circle people to hear it.  It’s the volcano aliens of Scientology, it’s your cousin on methadone, it’s the phantom son in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?  Do not reveal this to the outsiders!

We’ve mapped the human genome. We’ve pretty much identified every inch of the human body, naming every part and secretion we have.  From a purely scientific standpoint, I think someone would have found the gland that makes women infertile when faced with rape by now.  Hell, we would have manufactured it in pill form and sold it without a prescription.  Here, have some TakeMyMoneyJustDon’tHurtMe-trogen from Pfizer.

Corollary note: Perhaps  this belief in the rape-induced infertility hormone is a missing component to the Catholic Church-approved Rhythm Method, where along with plotting out the days when you can have sex without possibly impregnating your woman you also her bang her at knife point to ensure a pregnancy doesn’t occur. Sure, it’s a wild fabrication, but it will make you look at your non-contraceptive-using acquaintances in a whole new light.

This isn’t even the first time this year a sitting Congressman brought up the subject of the legitimacy of rapes.  Ron Paul brought the phrase “honest rape” into our lexicon in February.  Akin just doubled-down on that with bullshit biology about women having a hormonal defense mechanism against rape.  I’m thinking we’re about a year away from a governor proclaiming that both evolution and the commonness of rape are both bullshit because if they were both true why haven’t women evolved vagina dentata to stop all the rapes. And then he will be given his own FoxNews show, or CNN will give him a guest pundit spot on one of their shows.

This tale of rank fucktardetry is also a valuable lesson in rage management.  See, some random idiot on a message board somewhere on the webs could have said this legitimate rape notion, and I wouldn’t have bothered with a blog post or even a second glance, because anonymous idiots on an Internet message board or comments section don’t really matter. I can’t be outraged at everything like I was when I was younger and not getting laid – I don’t have the energy or time for it. But when you take someone who holds political office and a position of power and influence over people’s lives spouting off fucktarded shit like this, then it’s time to tap the venom reserves and start the mockery pumps because now you have someone of consequence not only saying something fucktarded, but echoing other people of consequences’ fucktarded notions as well.  The green light for objectively-justified outrage doesn’t glow much greener than that.

But from this mess we now have the term “illegitimate rapist” to add to our vocabulary, which I guess means a rapist who hasn’t earned his raping certification yet.  Only the properly credentialed shall violate our women!  See his papers first!



  1. “A delicious bounty of fucktard idiocy?” Brilliant!!!!

  2. wait… you’re getting laid? yay!

    • These days I’d settle for second base

  3. I knew this one would bring you out.

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