I’m just saying you should be stomped in the crotch with golf cleats

August 22, 2012

The thing about premium-grade fucktarded stupidity is that it often brings out other strains of rank fucktardedness that compliment it in ways you couldn’t fathom, like when a sommelier goes deep in the wine cellar to find the perfect wine for your dinner.

Case in point: GOP Senate candidate Todd Akin’s assertion that women can’t get pregnant if they are legitimately raped prompted a series of idiocy from Poltico.com reporter Dave Catanese on his Twitter feed.  The fact that this is on Twitter is the first sign that paint-drinking stupidity is about to happen:

Politico reporter Dave Catanese took to Twitter to defend comments made by Rep. Todd Akin (R-Mo.) about rape.

“Poor phrasing, but if you watch the intv @ToddAkin meant to convey that there’s less chance of getting pregnant if raped,” he said.

Who’s more despicable than the guy who told people that women can’t get pregnant if they are legitimately raped? The puddle of sputum that goes “well, maybe he’s got a point.”  He’d be the guy in Revolutionary France going “Hey, maybe Queen Antoinette has some bold ideas, perhaps we could use more pastries and sweets in our lives. Let’s hear her out.”  Or the guy during the Civil Rights Era in America standing up and saying “Hey, there could be legitimate reasons why black people have to sit in the back of the bus. Maybe if we stop marching we can hear them.”  In either case, the only proper response to this douchebag is a pipe wrench to the face because, as shown below, stupidity in motion not only tends to stay in motion, it snowballs.

This was Catanese’s next tweet on the topic after people told him he was being fucktarded:

“So perhaps some can agree that all rapes that are reported are not actually rapes? Or are we gonna really deny that for PC sake?”

Some people look at rape statistics and go, “Oh my god, that’s horrible.”  Dave Catanese looks at rape statistics and says “Well, they can’t all have been actual rapes.”  He’s a glass-half-full kind of guy, and then he rapes the glass.

And the stupid continues to gain speed as it slingshots around the Moon with his follow-up tweet…

“So looks like he meant to say — ‘If a woman was REALLY raped, it’s statistically less likely for her to get pregnant.’ What’s the science?”

I mean, really, we’re talking REALLY raped here, people.  We’re not talking about your garden-variety, pedestrian rape.  She’s gotta be REALLY raped where if fyou were watching you’d be like “Damn there is some pro-grade raping gone on here.”  Like we got the Citizen Kane of brutal sexual assault happening right in front of us.

This is also a lesson in strategic capitalization, where you only type in all-caps the words you want extraordinary emphasis on to really hammer home a point. In Dave Catanese’s case, it’s to express skepticism that women might actually be victims of rape.  And it obscures his “Where’s the science?” comment, which has no grip on science whatsoever because sperm and egg don’t care if the participants are willing.  So what reason do we have to doubt that Dave Catanese may one day build a rape dungeon in his basement in order to conduct his important research to answer the question he has posed?

Are we accusing Dave Catanese of having a rape dungeon?  Hey, we’re just trying to have a larger debate on the issue. That’s all. Actually, no, we’re just leading up to his next stupid Tweet…

“The left is often 1st to shut down debate as “off limits” when it deems so. Aren’t these moments supposed to open up a larger debate?”

The last refuge of those irrevocably-invested in their idiocy: “I’m just trying to open up debate/discussion on issue X.”  This always comes up late in the game when someone is backpedaling from the fucktarded shit they’ve said and subsequently made worse with even dumber defenses of their initial stupidity.  I can find no record of anyone making this argument and having it be valid.  It’s just a cue that the end is near.

Re last night: Bad idea trying to have nuanced conversation on highly charged issue on here. Did not intend to take a side. Lesson learned.

And there it is, the begrudging surrender with the wrong lesson being learned.  The sin he confesses is one of venue for his nuanced conversation – Twitter, where you can only post 140 characters at a time.  Also, that he did not intend to take a side when he stood up to declare that maybe the guy running for Senate who said that women who were being legitimately raped had natural defenses against becoming impregnated by their rapists may have had a point.  Let us place any declaration of not wanting to take sides as a blatant admission that you’re taking sides.  It’s like saying “No disrespect, but” or “I’m just saying.”  You’re telling us you’re doing the opposite of those things.

Eventually, his bosses got a hold of him and took him off the campaign beat for this Senate race, prompting Catanese to issue a memo of apology to his co-workers at Politico.  Part of that apology being:

I would never intentionally impugn a woman who has been the victim of the horrific crime of rape. My commentary on Rep. Akin’s repugnant rhetoric failed to make this clear.

Except for that whole “REALLY raped” thing you were pushing before.

Writing is hard, but you know what’s really easy? Not sticking up for an idiot who brought “legitimate rape” into the national vocabulary.  When you fail to make that point clear in your commentary, you suck at writing – which I fear is how most people get their job at Politico.com in the first place.

There’s no positive lesson here, just examples of what not to do.  And many times that’s enough.  It’s an uncertain world and maybe there’s no right answer, but you can eliminate a lot of the wrong answers by documenting the failures of others.



  1. Sometimes I need to come here to find out how fucktarded (there: I have never used that word before) people can actually be.

    Apparently there are way more men out there in need of an anal rape experience than I ever imagined.

    • We’re beta-testing fucktarded… it’s not necessarily a replacement for “retarded” as it is an easier way of saying “Fucking retarded.”

  2. This guy is like the mayor of Paint-Drinking Munchkinland – “She’s REALLY most SINCERELY raped…”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: