Get off of my lawn, chair!

August 31, 2012

I’ve always believed political party conventions are horrid occasions of inflated importance and rank wankery, but after seeing Clint Eastwood on stage talking to an empty chair for almost ten minutes at the Republican National Convention I’ve come to the conclusion that these ridiculous events wanked themselves so hard that they have become self-aware and are now just fucking with us.

“My grandpa used to talk to an empty chair too,” says Ninja Vicki.  “No one applauded him, and the nurses had to keep him away from sharp objects.”

“Was Clint Eastwood doing a Bob Newhart bit?”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Not everyone can pull off that charmingly-awkward Newhart one-way conversational cadence.  And if you’ve been playing bad-ass tough guy characters for the past 60 odd years, you really can’t pull it off.”

“John McCain should have done this in 2008,” says Mikka.  “It would have made his choice of Sarah Palin for Vice President a lot easier to understand if he accepted his party’s nomination by talking to furniture.”

Side note: McCain/Chaise Lounge would have been a strong Presidential ticket.

“I’m going to assume this routine was all Mr. Eastwood’s idea,” says Anonymous Doug.  “Are you going tell Clint Eastwood what he can do on stage?  Are you going to dare edit him?  ‘Excuse me Mr. Eastwood, we don’t think you should use your time to talk to an imaginary Barack Obama in a chair.’  Go on, tell him that and see what he does to you.  He’ll probably cockslap you.”

“I don’t think Clint Eastwood’s strengths as a performer lay in his improv ability,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “I think he needs the structure that a solid script provides or else you get… old guy rambling at an empty chair.”

“If you’re going to have someone give a speech where they”re talking to an inanimate object, get Tom Hanks because he did that shit well in that movie where he was alone on that island,” says Bernie the Half Cyborg Cat.  “At least he’s young.  An old man being angry at furniture?  That’s what the Republican Party thought would be a good thing to have as a defining image of their convention?  Fucking hell…”

“Somewhere a Democratic consultant is thinking of a way to top that at their convention,” says Samurai Cathy.  “I’m not sure how.  Maybe they roll Kirk Douglas out to read chapters of Fifty Shades of Grey to the audience.”

Tag Larkin did not care for Clint Eastwood’s speech because when chairs talk back to Tag Larkin he hurls them through windows.  Even when they’re not being talkative, chairs still get thrown by Tag Larkin because Tag Larkin is forcing the evolution of chairs by getting them used to being airborne.



  1. when i saw that clip the next morning on the news i was looking forward to hearing what the good imaginary people in Mr. Failure’s Neighborhood had to say about it… just hoping the dems don’t come back with a lame, unfunny parody.

  2. In the end, this may well be the only thing remembered from this year’s RNC. I was channel surfing when I came across Clint hitting the stage, so I watched. When it was over, I went back to channel surfing before giving my kids the remote. Then I was subjected to an hour of Total Drama Island reruns. I’ll admit, Total Drama Island is more fun.

  3. Empty chair upstaged the empty suit that followed.

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