Feel bad, buy this!

October 22, 2012

So Burger King coupon says in bold letters “Free Whopper,” and I’m thinking “Cool, I could go for a free sandwich.”

Then underneath it says “with the purchase of a Whopper,” and I’m thinking “But I can’t eat two Whoppers in one sitting. That’s ridiculous.”

Then I realize that you’re supposed to buy one for yourself and one for someone else, and it hits me that I’ve only ever gone to Burger King alone.

I think Burger King is trying to depress me into getting fat.  Then I see the Wendy’s coupons touting the same FREE sandwich with purchase of another sandwich.  McDonald’s too.  They’re all in on it.  Hey, you’re alone, how about filling that emptiness with 1,000 more calories?

But then I realize that I only ever go to fast food places when I’m in a rush to grab something quick to eat. I don’t have time to order out, I don’t have time to buy products in a store and cook them at home, and I have nothing else waiting for me at the house that can be prepared.  So if I’m always going to fast food places at inconvenient times, why would I have someone with me to eat that second cheeseburger?

Now I’m feeling depressed for being disorganized and not having the time for social interactions with people.  And that’s when I see one of those iPhone commercials with that Siri personal assistant helping Samuel L. Jackson or Martin Scorcese being organized.  Son of a bitch, Apple.  I’m on to you.

At least the ads on the side of my Facebook telling me to get a girlfriend are direct with their appeals to the vulnerable points in my armor.  Apple and Burger King are being too devious by half with theirs and I won’t stand for it.

Fuck it, from now on I’m ditching fast food and just ordering Chinese food.  Their ads never try to make me feel bad about myself, and the food’s usually ready in 10 minutes.



  1. Drop by Trader Joe’s. The cold case is full of healthy food packaged in single serving amounts that can be had as fast as you can go through the checkout line, and you leave feeling like it’s completely normal to be buying a prepared falafel lunch or sushi bento for one; the whole place is geared toward it. Plus, it’s practically a singles bar because half the crowd there is shopping from the same premise. Just watch out for the wine tasting table.

  2. if you wanted to take advantage, you could always pick up two, and plan to eat it later. the beauty of fast food burgers is that they are packed with so many preservatives, you probably don’t need to refrigerate it. just leave it in your glove box for an emergency. like a hurricane or something…

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