Voters like his position on God arranging your sexual assault

October 29, 2012

If you haven’t been a regular Renal Failure reader, you may have dumbfounded by the recent debate comments by Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock regarding rape, pregnancy, and God’s will.

“The only exception I have to have an abortion is in the case of the life of the mother,” said Mourdock, the Tea Party-backed state treasurer. “I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize life is that gift from God. I think that even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.”

But if you have been a regular Renal reader, you’d know that not only is this is a common occurrence, it’s now an actual political platform, as seen with current candidate Todd Akin’s “legitimate rape” comment (and some idiot reporter’s defense of said statement), Ron Paul’s “honest rape” comment during the primaries, and Sharron Angle’s failed campaign in 2010 where the notion of God planning for you to be raped first appeared (as well as making lemonade out of lemons when you get raped). So really, Mourdock isn’t bringing anything new table, until he came out with this gem after the debate

“I spoke from my heart. For speaking from my heart, for speaking from the deepest level of my faith, I cannot apologize,” he said. “I would be less than faithful to my faith if I said anything other than life is precious, I believe it is a gift from God. I believe that God would never want anyone harmed, sexually abused, raped. I believe it’s wrong when people want to take what I said and twist it. And if in any way people came away with the wrong meaning, then for that I do apologize.”

And there it is, the beautiful merging of two pillars of bullshit: God has a plan to have you raped and the “heart” defense (it’s not what you say, it’s what’s in your heart).  We’ve been waiting for that marriage of bullshit to occur for a while and now it’s finally here.  And in combination with the classic “I’m sorry that you were offended” non-apology, it’s like bullshit Christmas.

“I wonder if this Mourdock guy studied it out before he decided to tell people God has a plan that may involve you being raped,” says Ninja Vicki, referring to the other bullshit phrase “study it out” we’ve come across, which denotes you haven’t done any studying whatsoever.  “He said he struggled with it but that’s not quite as douchey as studying it out.”

“I like seeing all the Republicans who had been supporting Mourdock have to balance out their wishes that he still wins his Senate race while at the same time looking like they’re not standing with a guy who tells people God planned on you being raped,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “It’s a delicate waltz of bullshitting that I’d enjoy a lot more if it didn’t involve people who held high political office, but it’s the only venue that would invoke such high levels of bullshittery.”

“Like Todd Akin before him, Mourdock is saying the secret shit out loud,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “For some reason, they’re feeling either comfortable or confident that these things that  a sub-section of pro-life people only tell other pro-life people about should have a much wider audience.  There’s a reason what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, or what happens in the coven stays in the coven.”

“I’d like to know how we are to know what things are God’s intention and what things did God not intend to happen,” says Samurai Cathy.  “Hurricanes?  Your allergies to gluten?  The day when I lost my toe in a sword sparring session?  You shouldn’t be ambiguous if you’re omnipotent.”

“They need to change that prayer they teach kids to say before the go to bed,” says Mikka.  “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord that he doesn’t see fit that I should be gang-raped in an van. And if I get pregnant, please don’t let me live in a state where rapists have legal rights regarding their rape babies.”

“So life is a gift from God, but sometimes it is delivered via rape,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “What I think this Mourdock guy is trying to convey is that God bought you a present off Amazon.com but it’s being delivered to you in a rape-shaped box.  But that’s not God’s fault. How he could he know that choosing Express 2-Day Delivery means you get raped? Oh wait, he’s God!”

“So God doesn’t necessarily WANT you to get raped, but your pregnancy from your rape is a precious gift from God, which wouldn’t have occurred unless you had been raped…”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Which church does this guy go to?  Pentecostal? Baptist? Joel Osteen Prosperity Jesus?  Which of these Protestant faiths is completely doing away with the rules of cause and effect because I want in on that craziness.”

There has to be some internal polling report that claims that saying God intended for you to be raped is an favorable position to be taken with voters, because it wouldn’t show up this often in elections unless there bit of data saying that it’s a good idea to say it out loud for everyone to hear, which says more for the electorate than it does the candidate.



  1. These butt-nuggets are just saying the foundational doctrine out loud. Tom Monaghan, founder of Domino’s Pizza, said something along the lines of “why punish a rapist by murdering his child?’ when defending his position against ALL abortion several decades ago… To be fair, this is the only consistent logical position if you believe abortion is murder. If you DO consider it murder, but believe there should be exceptions for cases of rape, incest and/or life/health of the mother, then we simply disagree on when it’s ok to murder.

    fuckwits need to be vaporized by Tag Larkin. get on it, Mr. Failure…

    • and yes, i am drunk. i’ve been drinking tonight everytime someone says, or types, the phrase “hunker down”. i’m also out of liquor, which is probably a good thing…

      • i hope i lose power and internet soon, or it’s going to be a night full of regret…

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