The last ninja will own a Hello Kitty pillow

November 26, 2012

So this story from the BBC says that Japan’s current generation of ninjas will be the last.  Actually, it’s more that the remaining ninja clan grandmasters aren’t going to name heirs to their clans, as the modern world and its advancements apparently have no place for the art of ninjitsu in it.

This is news to our own Ninja Vicki.

“Being a ninja is awesome in the modern world,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Every idiot has a gun, but that gun doesn’t mean shit if you can sneak up on that idiot while he sleeps and slit his throat.  Oh, you’re going to shoot from behind cover?  Ninjas will get behind you and stab you before you can say ‘reload.’  And people are so fat and lazy now. Easy pickings!”

Ninja Vicki also disagrees with the comment in the article saying that ninjas had day jobs because you couldn’t make a living as a ninja.

“I’m doing great as a full-time ninja,” says Ninja Vicki.  “I have a house, that I stole.  I have an awesome living room set-up, also stolen.  Okay, so I don’t have dental insurance, but I’ll figure out how to steal that soon enough.”

But Ninja Vicki does agree with the article’s lament about how the ninja’s portrayal in popular culture is the complete opposite of its silent, unseen heritage.

“It’s like with mobsters and The Godfather,” says Ninja Vicki.  “At first, they were all happy that they were getting this glowing attention, but all it really led to was unwanted scrutiny and total misconceptions that you can never correct in the media.  They gloss up the rough spots and create this slick presentation that reality can never compete with.  Eventually the fiction turns into the fact, and you’ve lost what made it special in the first place.  Next thing you know, you got posers appropriating your scene and all you’re left with is memories about how it used to be.”

Nowhere in the article, sadly, is the mention of the mystical art of ninja vagina bubbles.  But considering the only ninjas interviewed in the article were men, it’s easy to see why that part of ninja lore was omitted.

“I wonder if I should put this on my online dating profile,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Single female, enjoys the music of Peter Cetera, might be the last ninja…”

Ninja Vicki may be the last of the ninjas, but she also a lot of issues with intimacy.



  1. A world without Ninjas? No way! They’re faking us out. They’re going into the Ninja underground.

  2. wait… there are still ninjas? i did not know that….

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