You can have my gun when you pry it from this cold, dead paradox

December 23, 2012

“So one of the NRA’s answers to school shootings is to arm teachers with guns,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Correct,” I say.

“But according to the emails I get from my conservative relatives, teachers are communist sleeper agents indoctrinating our youth to become socialist freedom-haters,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “And they all belong to unions, which are sucking the freedom out of this country.”

“Correct,” I say.  “They are filthy godless commies, and we must give them guns to protect the children they are indoctrinating to hate freedom.”

“And the NRA wants a national database of people who are mentally ill so that they don’t get a gun,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Correct,” I say.

“But the NRA also believes that a national database of gun owners would be a threat to freedom in America,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Correct,’ I say.  “If you know who owns a gun, then the government can target them when the Great Un-Freedoming begins.”

“But in regards to the database, it would be safe to say the NRA would like more mental health services available to American citizens, right?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“It would seem so,” I say.

“But then that would be socialized health care from government,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Which would turn us into evil socialists.”

“Correct again,” I say.

“Now the NRA wants more armed police presence in our schools,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Correct,” I say.

“But wouldn’t that mean more government intrusion for people who don’t much care for government intrusion?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Which is why they also press for more home-schooling,” I say.  “Police state for thee, not for me.”

“And that brings up another thing I’m confused about,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “I’m always being told we have to support the cops and support the troops.”

“Support them or you hate freedom, right you are,” I say.

“But those same people fear the government coming to take away their guns and freedom,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “And when the government goes to take those things they’re going to send cops and soldiers.”

“And cops belong to dirty commie unions too,” I say.  “Which makes them perfect to take away your guns and freedom to create a one-world government controlled by the Illuminati from their offices at the UN.”

Tina the Lesbian pauses to stare at her margarita.  “I don’t understand anything anymore.”

“Because you don’t own a gun,” I say.

“Why would that make a difference?” says Tina.

“Because when you have a gun, you can resolve these logical inconsistencies rather easily,” I say.  “All you do is wave the gun around and no one argues with you.”

“If it works for R Kelly in that Trapped in the Closet series…” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Should I buy you a gun for Christmas?” I say.

“No, that’s all right,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Good, because you’re getting booze, like everyone else I’m giving gifts to,” I say.

Three boxes of box wine make for a Merry Christmas indeed.


One comment

  1. booze is the only solution…

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