If you don’t tell your guns you appreciate them, they will become sad

January 20, 2013

Rassles once told me “Firefly is like the Dave Matthews Band of science fiction. Fans are obnoxiously devoted, and non-fans are usually more frustrated with the fans than the show itself.”  There is truth to be found there, but recently I’ve found it to be a more truthful statement regarding guns in America – it’s their most ardent fans that critically annoy me more than the guns themselves.

Case in point: yesterday was Gun Appreciation Day in America – scheduled conveniently by the marketing firm hyping the event on the holiday weekend commemorating civil rights leader, non-violence advocate, and gun shot victim Martin Luther King Jr. because irony is an effective way to remember dates on your calendar. If you schedule your divorce proceedings on Valentine’s Day, you’ll damn well remember to show up.

The last appreciation day we covered here at the Failure was Chik-fil-A Appreciation Day, which was day where people said “Fuck you gay marriage, we’re eating shitty food!” (Remember that day!  Remember how that totally destroyed gay marriage and no gays ever got married again?) So it comes as no surprise that not only was Gun Appreciation Day inspired by the previous Chik-Fil-A Appreciation Day but that it also comes with its own “Fuck you” message – as read on the graphic on the Gun Appreciation Day homepage:

On 1.19.13, go to your local gun store, gun range or gun show with your Constitution, American flags, and your “Hands Off My Guns” signs to send a loud and clear message to Congress and President Obama.

That message apparently is “Fuck you, I’m easily startled, and I’m bored on a Saturday.”

Also, Gun Appreciation Day was scheduled around Obama’s Presidential inauguration – which sends a message similar to this classic scene from Blazing Saddles…

Now I can’t find a sword appreciation day (although Feb 28th is International Sword Swallowers Appreciation Day) or a knife appreciation day, however those deadly armaments don’t have a wealthy lobbying outfit propping them up. Guns apparently have low self-esteem whilst edge weapons are comfortable with who they are.  Your stockpile of pistols and rifles is a needy girlfriend who must be continuously told that she is pretty and smart or she will have a meltdown at your next social gathering, forcing you to spend the next hour out on the patio trying to make her stop crying.  Your knife is perfectly fine if you want to go watch football at the bar with your friends.

I don’t much care for the important weapon which supposedly protects us from guv’mint tier’ney being treated like a sports team’s promotional event (Come on out to the ballpark for Fan Appreciation Day – get a free t-shirt and bobblehead doll).  Sort of undercuts the solemn, serious nature you’re trying to bestow upon the gun.  And have you ever been to a store on Customer Appreciation Day?  Yeah, it’s just another sale, but it doesn’t come with all the overwrought Freedom-Emo bullshit that’s attached to Gun Appreciation Day.

Note: Freedom-Emo bullshit will be the new hot phrase of 2013.

I’d like to know what is considered the tyranny tipping point in these Gun Appreciators minds, because I’m getting a feeling this is just another flavor of your relative or friend who said they were moving to Canada when the last election didn’t go their way.  They didn’t move, and your gun appreciation people aren’t going to rise up against tyranny because their only working definition of tyranny seems to be “shit I don’t like.”

Fighting for freedom is a full-time job, which will require you to throw away your current career and uproot your family’s comfortable lifestyle to a war-time footing of rationed food, constant vigilance, and the threat of being snipered at any time by a well-trained member of the US military. So what will trigger your transformation from member of society to VIVA LA REVOLUTION? What will cause you to irrevocably disrupt your life and your family’s? Are you using the “I know it when I see it” method of determining when to go to DEFCON-1?  It doesn’t help your case if you don’t have some sort of specific answer. All it does is turn your “patriotic arsenal to protect freedom” into a “pile of guns for when I get mad.”

Fuck, the Swiss don’t have to deal with this shit, and everyone has a gun there. I guess neutrality allows you to have a more reasonable view of firearms.  Maybe I can just be a gun hipster. “Yeah, I have guns, but I’m more into the Swiss way of ownership. You haven’t heard of it, and even if you did I was into before you.”




  1. The armed eejits are incapable of revolution. They are fat, lazy, and despite their best efforts, cannot defend themselves against Predator drones armed with hellfire missiles, Bradley tanks, or even a bump from a cannister of white phosphorous. But god damn, are they annoying…

  2. I wish I could say I was more astute but although I knew about Gun Appreciation Day and MLK, I didn’t see the horrible overlap until you point it out. I guess the Presidential Inauguration would be a trifecta. I wonder why guns have such an emotional pull have on people? It’s right up there with the abortion debate. I was a pistol marksman in the Coast Guard but firing a gun never did much for me. I haven’t pulled a trigger in decades.

    I hate it when Daisy gets all obtuse and shit. I wish she would just state what’s on her mind.

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