Jane Austen couldn’t write a fight scene to save her lifeFebruary 22, 2013
It seems like I’ve had a constant cold for the past month or so, where just as one cold was ending the next one was beginning. And as I’m in the downswing of my current bout with the cold virus, I’ve noticed I’ve let a few things get past me during this time. One was the prediction my friend made after the Presidential election (briefly mentioned in this post) when she got mad at all her Obama-aligned Facebook colleagues who were celebrating:
By the end of December, the stock market will suffer a major crash as people pull their money out to beat the new taxes taking effect in 2013. Businesses who cannot afford to cover their employees with health insurance will immediately begin either cutting jobs entirely or dropping most of their employees down to part-time to avoid the heavy fines that will levied against them otherwise. Gas prices will spike back up above $4 a gallon, heading up to $5. Be prepared for this to happen – and I don’t expect to hear any complaints from those who are celebrating this evening.
Even spotting her an extra month, none of this happened. The Dow Jones, NASDAQ and S&P500 are all up over 6 percent since the election. Job numbers for December and January are up. Gas still isn’t 4 bucks but the idea that oil companies would raise prices just because they have a sad that Obama got reelected is a golden idea, in that it pisses over the image of capitalists as rugged captains of industry and makes them look more like the awful human beings featured on MTV’s My Super Sweet Sixteen. So let’s all remember this lesson: don’t make predictions when you’re angry.
We’re also behind on doing the blog award stuff for our friend Kate, who awarded us the Liebster Award that had been passed on to her. Hopefully we’ll get to that this weekend, considering we’ve blown off pretty much every other one of these blog award things over the years.
What else got past us… oh, it was Valentine’s Day, which I spent coming down with flu-like symptoms and I tried fighting them with a steady stream of rum and cokes to unsatisfactory effects. Usually we have something bitter for Valentine’s Day, so let’s make up for it with something dumb we saw over at FoxNews.com regarding love: “Four Things Jane Austen Teaches Us About Love:”
1. Play hard to get. Don’t be so aggressive. When women make themselves so available to men, the thrill of the chase is gone. The harder you are to “catch,” the more interesting you become.
“I don’t want to chase your dumb ass,” says Anonymous Doug. “I ain’t got time for that shit. You know who’s interesting? A bitch that doesn’t play bullshit games like this. Thrill of the chase is lie. Ever see a high-speed police chase? Yeah, that shit is thrilling until ends, then that shirtless meth-head gets dragged out of his overturned pick-up truck and beaten retarded by six pissed-off cops. Fuck the chase – give it up early or don’t give it up at all. Save all of us some time and misery.”
“Seeing the picture of the woman who wrote this article, her definition of interesting probably consists of what popped up on her Dilbert calendar that day,” says Tina the Lesbian. “And considering her previous article written for FoxNews.com was titled “To Be Happy, We Must Admit That Women and Men Aren’t ‘Equal,” I’m pretty sure she doesn’t mind making less money than her male counterparts for writing dreck just as long as every now and then one of her male bosses pats her on the head and tells her she’s a good patriarchal tool.”
2. Wait for sex. I know it’s chic to think of yourself as a sex goddess. And maybe you are. But the truth is, if you present yourself this way to a man—in the way you dress and behave—he’ll respond in kind. If you want to be the one he brings home to mom, make him earn your love. And your body.
“If you’re truly a sex goddess, he will respond by worshiping your sensual form,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “She makes the phrase ‘earn your love’ sound like it’s something you do on a game show rather than through getting to know your partner in whatever ways you consent.”
“Why wouldn’t mom want you to bring home a sex goddess?” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “Maybe mom wants to see her son happy with a decent looking woman rather than some dour frump who will suck the life out of him until he inevitably cheats on her with his secretary or puts a bullet in his brain to end the misery.”
3. Make your guy feel important. Sure, you’re self-sufficient. And he is, too. But everybody wants to feel valued. Men in particular. What’s wrong with letting him take care of things every once and a while? After all, why would he keep coming around if you give him the impression he has nothing to offer?
“Yeah, the male psyche can be fragile, but it can be easily repaired,” says Mikka. “But you’re already trying to take sex out of the game, which is like playing hockey constantly shorthanded. Yeah, you can do it, but you’d do so much better with a full complement of players on the ice. Fuck him, feed him, let him watch the game, dress up like She-Ra ever now and again… it’s not hard to make a guy feel important.”
4. Put down your sword. Despite what you’ve heard, men don’t love b*tches. They like nice women. Strong and confident women, yes. But nice. They can go hand in hand. Really.
“Fuck you, my sword is awesome!” says Ninja Vicki. “Men love women with swords. If you’re a woman and you can’t think of an accessory to pull your outfit together, pick up a sword and be a bad-ass. Don’t see that in any dusty-vag Jane Austen novel, do ya?”
“I’m very nice, and my sword makes sure everything stays nice,” says Samurai Cathy. “And though it pains me to echo the sentiments of my blood enemy – fuck you, my sword is awesome too!”
I believe one time I tried an online dating site and it asked me what kind of woman I was looking for, so I typed in “BITCHES WITH SWORDS!” Surprisingly they wouldn’t let me keep that, but I fully stand by the sentiment: bitches with swords – those are the ladies I’m giving my attention to. Oh, you studied Romantic Literature and crochet things on Etsy? How nice. See that woman over there? She’s ready to fight the Kurgan from Highlander. Enjoy your mojito. Swords are like boots, in that they can up a girl on the 10-point hotness meter by at least two points. It’s worked for years on the covers of fantasy novels – I’m just bringing it out of Narnia and into the singles bar.
Jane Austen novels would have been a lot more readable if they had more bitches with swords in them. I know I got halfway through Pride, Prejudice and Zombies before getting bored with it, which is a lot more than I was able to stomach of the original Pride & Prejudice in high school.
BITCHES WITH SWORDS! That’s what 2013 should be the year of.