Haven’t done an blog award post in a while

February 24, 2013


Our friend and regular Renal Reader Kate saw fit to give us one of those blog awards that function must like the chain surveys you used to get in your email box during the glory days of America Online.  Back then we didn’t have YouTube or Maru or Facebook or most other Internet distractions that we take for granted today, so yeah we had a lot of time to fill out 60-question surveys and send them back to all the friends we knew who owned computers.  But Kate’s interested in our answers, has three kids to chase around all day, and is probably the one person who knows us from before we started Renal Failure who still reads this blog regularly so let’s do her a solid and read the rules:

To be eligible you must have under 200 followers(check!) and follow the rules of answering the 11 questions asked by your nominator, add in 11 random facts*, choose people to award it on to (no repeats, share the love), and make 11 new questions for them.

Ugh… this is a lot of work but we said we would so let’s go to the questions:

1. What is your favorite hairstyle?


2. How did you meet your partner, if you don’t have one yet, how would you dream to meet one?

When it comes to attached members of the Renal Failure family: 1) Samurai Cathy and Mikka met on the Internet.  2) Avonia the Wiccan Pimp and her husband Arawn met in the same coven, which disbanded soon after their coupling because it seems like Wiccan covens last about as long as high school garage bands. 3) Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat is said to have met Marlie at a whiskey drinking contest and they were the last competitors alive. It was sort of like Casino Royale as Marlie had entered the contest to win money for explosives for the IRA and Bernie had entered on behalf of Portuguese Intelligence so we could buy a classic 4-player NBA Jam arcade machine for the Portuguese Intelligence break room.  There was a bit of mission creep and, well, now they’re married.

As for myself, how would I dream to meet my partner?  Three words: BITCHES WITH SWORDS!

3. What are you too old for but still do anyway?

“14-year old girls,” says Anonymous Doug.

4. Are you mad at anyone for an irrational reason?

Ninja Vicki hates Meatloaf solely because “Paradise by the Dashboard Lights” ruins every karaoke night she’s ever been to.  Strangely, she does not hate the composer of the song Jim Steinman because of his work with Bonnie Tyler.

Everyone I’m currently mad at has been targeted for very tangible reasons.

5. What books have you read more then once?  If none, what would you read again?

I have probably read Mick Foley’s “Have a Nice Day” ten times over, because it’s the book I keep in the bathroom and every time I have a sit-down I read a random chapter.

6. Favorite beverage and why?

Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Lattes – they are like legalized crack and they make everything better.

7. Who cooks best in your family?

Jennifer the Straight is the better cook in Tina the Lesbian’s family.  Maybe if their brother Patrick the Thrice-Divorced was a better cook he’d only be Twice or Once-Divorced.

8. What is the last thing you took a picture of?

Tag Larkin only takes photos of himself, because Tag Larkin is the only thing worth photographing.

9. If you were a flower what would you be?

The silk ones that don’t set off my allergies.

10. Where are you in your birth order?

Tina the Lesbian is 2nd ahead of her younger sister Jennifer the Straight and behind the eldest brother Patrick the Thrice-Divorced. Mikka is the 1st-born over his older sister Riikka.  Anonymous Doug has a younger sister named Pseudonymous Liz.  Avonia is said to have a younger sister and brother who we never hear about.  Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat was born in a litter of 6 – the other kittens whereabouts are unknown.  Bernie’s wife Marlie was 5th out of 10 siblings from her Irish-Catholic home.  Ninja Vicki, Samurai Cathy, myself, and Tag Larkin are only children.

11. What is your dream job?

Getting paid to create whatever feel like making.

All right, and that will do it for that part… now, the 11 random facts about us…


1. Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat is an American Shorthair, but he wants to be portrayed as a Scottish Fold whenever Hollywood decides to make a Renal Failure motion picture because he wants some of that Maru the Cat swag.

2. Samurai Cathy can open champagne bottles with her sword.  In fact, she opens pretty much everything with her sword.

3. Ninja Vicki enjoys 90’s Euro dance but cannot stand dub-step because she needs a consistent, fast beat to kill multiple targets effectively.  If you hear La Bouche’s Be My Lover or Le Click’s Tonight is the Night and you’re not in a dance club, it’s already too late.

4. Tina the Lesbian lettered in both softball and tennis during her senior year of high school.

5. Mikka still knows by memory how to find all three warp whistles in Super Mario Bros. 3, as well as the password code to go straight to Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out.

6. Anonymous Doug has type AB blood, meaning he can accept any blood type on the off-chance someone remembers to take him to the hospital.

7. Avonia the Wiccan Pimp is certified in CPR.

8. Samurai Cathy did not watch Star Wars until her late 20’s.  She has still not watched any of the Godfather films.

9. When not fighting crime, local superhero Crimson Paraplegic’s regular person alter-ego works as a library assistant because all libraries are handicapped accessible.

10. Tag Larkin does not use forks or spoons to eat.  The only utensil he uses are knives.  Even with soup.

11. I throw left handed but write right-handed.  Apparently anything that needs power I do with my left hand, and anything that needs precision I do with my right hand.

And now, the last part… choose some blogs to pass this award onto, along with 11 new questions for them to answer. We’re giving this to one person, because we know she’ll hate it the most but will have the most fun with its trite, contrived nature anyway: Rassles.


1. What do you like for the sole reason of everyone else hating it?

2. Worst illness or injury?

3. What language do you wish you were fluent in?

4. Stout or IPA?

5. Favorite holiday that isn’t widely celebrated?

6. Are you in a current blood feud with anyone and why?

7. Which Renal Failure player are you dressing up as for your next costume-required social event?

8. Your weapon of choice?

9. Who are bigger rapists? Football players or lacrosse players? Show your work.

10. Most hated karaoke song that other people sing regularly?

11. Which Renal Failure player would you want as your eternal roommate and why?

And we are done!  Damn that took a while, but it was a good distraction from our usual venomous pursuits.  Sometimes the stupid of the world just hurts too much…

vicki smallnote


  1. IPA, in answer to that question, in case anyone wonders.

  2. I just wrote a post complaining about bitches with swords, and now I’m reading this and I feel slightly sheepish.

  3. Also, I fucking hate you.

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