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Now do they provide the scimitar, or do you have to bring your own?

March 11, 2013

I’m having some of those Cool Ranch Doritos Locos tacos for breakfast, because I need more vegetables in my diet and I love Cool Ranch Doritos, and Ninja Vicki comes in through my window.

“Do you have any frequent flyer miles I can steal?” says Ninja Vicki.

“No, I don’t go anywhere,” I say.  “Where are you flying to?”

“Saudi Arabia,” says Ninja Vicki.  “I might be moving there for good for a job.”

“I thought ninjaneering was your job,” I say.

“This new job seems more secure and viable long-term,” says Ninja Vicki.  “I’m going to be a beheader for the government.”

Ninja Vicki shows me this story about how the government of Saudi Arabia may switch from beheadings to firing squads as their method of capital punishment because of a lack of swordsmen in their population.

“You’ve got the sword and you know how to swing it,” I say.  “But I always saw you as more of a stabber than a slicer.  I kind of see Samurai Cathy as more suited for beheading.”

“But she won’t wear the head covering and mask,” says Ninja Vicki.  “I’ve already got the mask ’cause I’m a ninja.”

“It doesn’t matter because they’re not going to let you do the beheadings anyway,” I say.  “They don’t let women drive, let alone wield a weapon to carry out the will of Allah on criminals.”

“Maybe I can be the first,” says Ninja Vicki.  “I could be the Rosa Parks of beheading over in Saudi Arabia.”

“Yeah… here’s a Pro-Tip: anytime a white person has the notion of saying they’re going to be the Rosa Parks of something, they need to slam their hand with a hammer,” I say.  “Anything to stop themselves from saying something that fucking stupid.”

“Should I have used Jackie Robinson instead?” says Ninja Vicki.  “That might be more apropos, because I would be tearing down the barrier of Saudis not letting women behead criminals with my superior beheading skills.”

“Sure, that works,” I say.  “But you’re never going there because it’s 500 degrees over there and no matter how hot it gets they’re going to stone you for being an immodest whore as soon as you walk out in your lycra tanktop because we all know you stop wearing sleeves once the temperature goes over 70.”

“But I would be such a great beheader,” pouts Ninja Vicki.  “Where else am I going to get such an awesome job?  Where else are they taking heads on behalf of the state?”

“I’m sure the Taliban will still cut off heads if given the chance,” I say.  “But you’re going to run into the same problems of being an immodest whore to them.”

“Damn it, I just want to chop people’s heads off for money and maybe some healthcare benefits and perhaps a pension too!”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Why can’t get I that in America?”

“Surprisingly beheading isn’t really that American,” I say.  “The closest we had was scalping.  Or when they fucked up a hanging and the guy’s head would snap off.  I guess shooting people in the head is close too, but it’s not the same as cutting someone’s head off.  Unless we teach the drones how to decapitate people.”

That’s America. We will electrocute you, gas you, lethal inject you, shoot you… but for the most part we won’t chop your head off.

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