How can you aim when you’re crying all the time?

April 13, 2013

The world keeps proving us right bit by bit.  Case in point, back in January we started off a post about two guys in Oregon exercising their Second Amendment rights by walking through their town with assault rifles on their back with the sentence “The world is driven by the deep insecurities of its people, regardless of whether those insecurities have any factual basis to them.”  And validation of this belief came in the form of a New York Times article chronicling a conversation between a columnist and a self-described “gun guy,” more specifically this particular quote from the “gun guy:”

My essential belief is that we need to treat gun owners with more respect while also demanding a higher level of responsibility.

When I read that quote I hear Fredo from The Godfather Part II: “I can handle things!  I’m smart! And I want respect!”  We just have to tweak it a little to get the gist of this gun guy’s jib: “Respect me, I have a gun!  Why don’t you respect me?”  If the source of your respect stems solely because of the weapon you carry, you’re a douchenozzle.  We don’t respect soldiers and cops because they carry guns, we respect them because they have sworn to serve to protect others with their lives.

The NRA likes to blame violent movies and video games for gun violence, but if someone from those industries said that movie makers or video game makers or the fans of those media needed to be treated with more respect, they’d be laughed out of the damn room. But Mr. Gun Guy seems to believe this is an entirely reasonable thing to declare, and most likely for one sole reason: he has a gun. And when you have a gun, you don’t have to make sense.

At this point I want to redefine the term “responsible gun owner” as someone who not only safely and responsibly handles, stores, uses, and keeps firearms but also doesn’t use those firearms to boost their self-esteem, mask their insecurities, and act like an emotionally-stunted cockwasher. Those are the gun owners who are under-represented, not the cockwashers. But like with everything, it’s the douchey cockwashers that ruin it for everyone.  That’s why all toy guns sold over the past 20 some-odd years all have those orange caps in the front of them.

This quote from Mr. Gun Guy pisses me off too:

A lot of gun owners are perfectly fine, for instance, with universal background checks. I know I am. They are fine with it so long as it doesn’t lead to a database and de facto registration.

Technically most gun owners are already in a database – it’s called the Cabela’s mailing list.  If you own a gun, I’m betting there’s a 90 percent chance you’ve bought ammo, guns, or gear from Cabela’s. The government already taps our phones, how hard would it be for them get that mailing list, as tyrannical and diabolical as we are led to believe by the heavily-armed people who wear the Don’t Tread On Me flag like a Superman cape?  Hell, knowing how cozy the corporate world and government are to each other, Cabela’s would probably freely give that info up in exchange for some favors and wheel-greasing in Congress.

And these are the same people who want a database for mentally-ill people, because when you have a gun it makes perfect sense to believe that the government knowing you own firearms is tyranny but the government knowing you visit a therapist for depression is fine.  If only our Founding Fathers were on Valium…

I’ve said it before and I’ll repeat it here: it’s easier to own a gun in American than a vagina. This would change, in my glib opinion, if vaginas could shoot bullets.  Then you might see some real push for gun control because I’m pretty sure men don’t want anything to do with a vagina that can hold a 30-round extended magazine.  Well, maybe in a spectator sense they would, like in a Thailand bar show, but not regarding coitus.  Then we’d be asking women what caliber their vagina is.  Does she have a .45 cooter?  A .357 beaver? Semi-automatic va-jay-jay? Is that an assault pussy?

Hold up, I got distracted by vagina there… no, actually vagina is exactly what should be in mind because Mr. Gun Guy is being a weepy vagina/drippy penis/blubbering urogenital opening because of this exchange:

JOE: Once again, your argument seems to be, we’re going to treat gun owners differently from everyone else.

DAN: Well, maybe we have to, because guns are so dangerous.

JOE: Why, because they’re going to shoot us?

DAN: No, no! Because we need the gun guys. You won’t get there by vilifying them or treating them like children. I think most of what happens with guns that is bad in this country could be solved by the gun guys themselves.

How adorable! Dan the Gun Guy thinks people who own guns are special snowflakes, or at least more special than those non-gun owners or even those people who have actually been shot by guns or have had loved ones killed by guns.  We must be careful not to hurt their delicate feelings for they are fragile little glass unicorns.  Hey fuck-tart, news bulletin here, we are all equally worthless, and our worth only increases or decreases because of the things we do, not because of the things we own.  Fuck, he sounds like a moody teenager who says “I was gonna take out the trash but you kept nagging me to do it so I’m not gonna.”  Go ahead and feel that way, but if you pull this shit as part of a national debate I’m going to ignore whatever comes out of your cryhole.

In conclusion, vaginas. Also, owning a gun or guns does not turn you into an insecure genital scrap.  You were already an insecure genital scrap, you’re just using guns to overcompensate for it, and you’re fucking up guns for everyone else.




  1. I read that article, too. It made my toes curl a bit. It ruined my coffee. Mr. Gun Guy would probably argue that the bombing in Boston could have been prevented if the runners had tucked pistols into their waistbands.

  2. You can’t tuck a pistol into the waistband of running shorts. They’d fall down.

    But I like the idea of a vagina with a gun, you should pardon the expression, mount. It takes me back to Babylon-5 and the whole vexed etiquette matter of approaching with gun ports open.

    • Gotta love B5 and the Minbari, Sled. “Only one human captain has ever survived battle with a Minbari Fleet. He is behind me. You are in front of me. If you value your lives, be somewhere else!”

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