The first five minutes are the same as the last five minutesApril 16, 2013
“Hey Tina the Lesbian?” I say.
“Yes?” says Tina the Lesbian.
“Does this make me a bad person?” I say.
“Depends on what ‘this’ is,” says Tina the Lesbian.
“Well, I found out about the Boston Marathon bombing in the late afternoon while I was out of my house,” I say.
“Right…” says Tina the Lesbian, nervous.
“And when I got home, I took a nap,” I say. “I didn’t turn on the TV, didn’t check the Internet, nothing. Just sat my ass on the couch and went to sleep for a few hours. I don’t think I was even tired.”
“So why did you take a nap then?” says Tina the Lesbian.
“Because I wanted to miss all the bullshit coverage of the bombing,” I say. “You know what news networks get right in the initial rush of a tragedy like this? Nothing. You know what they get right after that? Still nothing.”
“And you’d certainly miss the rush of Facebook and Twitter posts wildly speculating on things too,” says Tina the Lesbian.
“By the time I woke up from my nap is when the news reached the human interest part of the tragedy,” I say. “When they start interviewing anyone and everyone who was around when the bombs went off. They really have nothing much to add to the story. I forgot how much time a newscast can cover by just getting someone to talk about something being loud and then people screamed. The first couple people you hear it from, yeah, it’s a harrowing tale. Seventh and eighth people… now you’re just padding out the broadcast because you don’t know fuck-all about what happened.”
“You didn’t miss much by sleeping through the initial coverage,” says Tina. “I had just as much correct information about the bombing at the end of the day then I did at the beginning.”
“And whatever was going to happen next didn’t require me to watch it,” I say.
“Wake you when it’s over,” says Tina the Lesbian.
“Pretty much,” I say. “Because any distress I was feeling over the bombing would have been compounded by hours upon bullshit news coverage. They found someone, they didn’t find someone. There’s more bombs, they’re not bombs. I don’t need that shit making things worse for me.”
“So you’re asking me if you sleeping through the direct aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombing makes you a bad person?” says Tina the Lesbian.
“In the interest of missing bullshit news coverage and Internet hysteria over events I have no control over, yes,” I say.
“Actually, you probably did the best thing possible,” says Tina the Lesbian. “You don’t know anyone in Boston so you didn’t have to check if they were okay. You weren’t going to be informed by the news so why bother watching it like a hawk? And you have no one who would need comforting or consoling so your lack of availability isn’t an issue. Fuck, now I wished I slept through it.”
So I sleepily stumbled into something mentally healthy. Not many people can say they’ve done that.