It’s Beaver-Slapping Day!May 29, 2013
We try not to pay attention to celebrity gossip train wrecks, but you have our full attention when you put “slapped my vagina” in the headline.
The NYPD yesterday said there was no evidence that Amanda Bynes was groped by cops who busted her for tossing a bong from a 37th-floor Midtown hotel room.
“Internal Affairs investigators have found no evidence to corroborate Ms. Bynes’ allegations,” NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said. “To the contrary, a credible civilian witness who was with the officers throughout told investigators that none touched Ms. Bynes inappropriately or otherwise engaged in misconduct at any time.”
The troubled ex-child star claimed that two officers groped her and that one “slapped my vagina.”
Vagina slap is the new term of 2013!
“I don’t believe I’ve ever slapped a girl in the vagina before,” I say. “Is it an open-hand smack or a backhand? A backhand is more of a cup check, but that open-hander seems like it would be loud, and sting too.”
“This ain’t like Dynasty,” says Tina the Lesbian. “This ain’t no rear back and slap the taste out of that vagina. This is a quick flick of the wrist up between the wickets. It’s not going to cause the same pain it would to testicles, but it won’t feel nice against your labia I’m sure.”
“Tina’s right,” says pimp-slap expert Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “This is a totally different slap. You have to come up vertically with a vagina slap instead of horizontal for a regular slap. I prefer the torque I get on a traditional slap across the face. Plus why would I hit one of my ho’s in their genitals? That’s where she’s making my money.”
“I’ve slapped some tits around, sure,” says Anonymous Doug. “And yeah, I’ve slapped a girl in bed when she’s asked me to, but I’ve never had one ask me to slap her in the pussy. Next time I’m with a girl who’s a bit strange in bed, I’m gonna see if a good pussy slapping does anything for her.”
“One time in high school I accidentally slapped a girl in the vagina,” says Mikka. “We were making out like crazy people, I was clumsy and awkward, I shifted from an uncomfortable position and stumbled, then… snatch smack. Sure fire way to end a hook-up…”
“I’m not sure how much damage a vag slap would cause, but it would definitely confuse a bitch,” says Ninja Vicki. “And while her brain is thinking ‘Did I just get slapped in the vagina?’ I slash that bitch’s throat. I’m remembering this for my next high school class reunion.”
“At no point in my time as a bouncer at a lesbian bar have I ever considered a slap to the female privates as an effective way to subdue someone,” says Samurai Cathy. “There are much better way to obtain compliance. An assortment of wrist locks and joint manipulations. Nerve holds. Slicing off their hand. But slapping the vagina… not something in my bouncer’s toolbox. No need to box the box.”
If anyone out there executes, or has executed, a proper cunt smack, please let us know.