Epilogue 2014 – Tina the Lesbian

December 26, 2013

I still have drinks with Tina on occasion, more monthly than weekly. Bi-monthly even.  She’s still got her job at the insurance company but she’s actually had a steady girlfriend for several months, a marked improvement over her previous relationships that last less than a British TV show’s season (6 episode seasons, are you for real?).  We call her Kelsey the Lesbian, and collectively we call them Tina and Kelsey the Lesbians.  Okay, so only I do, but they think it’s funny so it’s okay.

Tina met Kelsey at our community theater in an improv class,  because when you’re in your mid-30’s and looking to do something theatery without the huge time and effort investment of staged theater but still have room for personal drama then funny-funny make-em-ups are your best avenue. Plus you find a new source of college-educated alcoholics to spend time with.

I’m not sure that Kelsey likes Shakira as much as Tina does, but she at least doesn’t have a strong opinion about Shakira so she’s fine with her.  She responds the same way to Shakira as she does when the cashier hands her a receipt at the grocery store.  She gives a plain “thank you” and goes about her day.

Ninja Vicki didn’t much care for Kelsey, mainly because Kelsey’s presence made Vicki the third wheel in most social outings.  Also Ninja Vicki doesn’t trust women with that short pixie hair cut because she thinks it’s a clear sign that someone is annoyingly pretentious. “Oh, what short hair… do you make it a point to tell people you don’t watch TV while you practice your ukelele and wear scarves all the time???”  That was an uncomfortable night at the bowling alley.

I wasn’t surprised when I heard that the Lesbians finally got engaged, but I did have a brief moment of surprise when Tina told me they weren’t moving to a state that had legalized gay marriage – they were staying right here. Not that they were going to become activists on this issue and petition the state to legally recognize their union.  They were just going to wait it out so that when that fateful day came they could be the first gay married couple in the state.  Well, officially the first gay married couple – there was that guy down at the records office who on his own decided to start giving gay couple marriage certificates, but the state clamped down on that business with the quickness.

They did promise Tina’s family that they’d have a separate ceremony so family could attend.  It’s kind of hard to rally your siblings who live across the state to hoof it to the courthouse in your town on a moment’s notice. Not that her family wouldn’t try their damnedest to make it, but they don’t want to come running into the courthouse and find that Tina’s ceremony is over and they’ve moved on to the next person on the list.

I’m on speed dial to be the witness for the ceremony at the courthouse, mainly because I have the free time to be on call when the “Legalized Gay Marriage” alert goes off.  After that I predict I won’t see much of the Lesbians. I’ll still have her on all my emergency contact information though.  Someone has to tell people if I die, and science has proven that gay people are very skilled at telling everyone they know about stuff that happens.



  1. Well done, Lesbians! I’m embarrassed to admit I never realized that gays tell everyone everything about stuff – but spot on. How? What? My observation powers are waning.

    Also…join theater classes, find more alcoholics. Word.

  2. very astute. i met most of my college-educated drunk friends through community theatre!

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