Epilogue 2014: Your Humble Narrator

December 31, 2013

As for me, I can’t tell you what happens to me next year.  I can’t even tell you what happens to me next week.

As for everyone else on the Renal roster…

I stopped mourning the crumbling of my circle after a while, replacing it with a sense of wonder that it lasted as long as it did.  It’s an improvement over the delusion that anything lasts forever.  But you can’t replace them, it’s not fair to the other people you encounter.  You start again and hope something new rises from what disintegrated. Someone’s always the last one left – why wouldn’t it be me?   And I may be the last one left, but I’m not the one who hung on too long.  You know that person, the one who still thinks high school was the best years of their life, the one still trying to recapture magic instead of finding new magic.  It’s the difference between shutting off the lights and sitting in the dark.

I don’t need the blog anymore, and it doesn’t need me. And we both know it.  Time to find new magic elsewhere.

Yeah, I could have had everyone stay here, keep doing the same things as they had been doing, but that doesn’t happen in life. This may be the blog of wild fabrications and outright lies, but it was never a home for self-serving delusions.  There’s still a level where even in your own personal fantasy realm your suspension of disbelief can be breached.  And also, I like endings.  I like closure.  You go through a story, you deserve resolution.  Fuck ambiguous endings – they’re not clever, the author just couldn’t make up his or her fucking mind.  Make a choice.

I found it interesting at the end of Breakfast of Champions where Kurt Vonnegut shows up at the end to set the main character he’s written free.  That was nice of him.  I took a less direct route with that here.

Vonnegut also had this as the first rule of writing a short story “Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.”  I hope that everyone who spent time here felt their time was not wasted in the slightest.  Of the many ideas I try to hold myself up to, one is has prominence: “Be Interesting.”   I think Rassles once said “Don’t Be Boring” and that’s the same principle more or less.  As long as I can do that I should be able to function (or function as well as a 34-year old who spent eight years writing fabrications and lies possibly can).

I never put my name in any posts because it wasn’t important.  Now that the blog ending, it’s still not important.  How could it be in a blog of wild fabrications and outright lies. RF’s not even my initials.  My kidneys are fine – I just though the name Renal Failure was really cool sounding.  It still is.  It probably always will be.

It’s New Year’s Eve… seems like the best time to see if I still have this shirt in my closet.




  1. I also say “don’t be shifty” and “don’t fuck this up.” Google says “don’t be evil,” but I am convinced Google IS evil, so that one is just…pffft.

    You will be missed, RF. Happy New Year.

  2. You have never wasted my time. For that, i applaud you! i’ll miss these crazy fuckers, but i do appreciate the resolution. The only thing bugging me? i really hope you continue to write, or create, or…. do something with your brain, because it’s fucking incredible, and being rather selfish, i would like to see more of the stuff you produce… Onward!

  3. Thanks for the ending friend. Feel free to keep in touch, you know where I am.

  4. I’ll never forget that diamond lifting belt — or Bernie, or any of the rest of the cast. I’d like to fantasize about bumping into you in a bar and drinking some wicked malt before we each figure out who the other one is. Salute from the old broad.

  5. As for me, I can’t tell you what happens to me next year. I can’t even tell you what happens to me next week.

    I’ll believe it either when you empty the blog of its content, or it hasn’t been updated in three or four years. But I’ll play along for now.

    We both started blogging at pretty much the same time, for pretty much the same reasons and, while I’ve quit about a dozen times… I think you’re doing it better than I ever did. Obviously you’ll keep writing somewhere. Which will be good.

    Here’s a crazy fun fact… thanks to a (totally unintentional) prescription meds overdose last spring, I’m actually in ‘stage five renal failure’ — I have less than 14% of my kidney functions left. So, now that I know your kidneys are fine, do have one you can spare..?

  6. Gabriel – I’ll leave everything up here as an archive, but that’s it. And you wouldn’t like my kidneys. They are disagreeable.

    Sled – I recently rewatched your one video on periformis self-massage, except instead of tiny massage ball I use a field hockey ball to work out the kinks. And Nickle Catmium is the most awesome name for a cat. We’d have a fun night drinking alone at the bar.

    Daisy – I’m still writing stuff, getting some of this old material to work on stage for live sketches and such. Tag Larkin has already gotten big laughs. And I helped do the writing for a live MST3K-like show last Fall for the Fringe festival, along with my other improv shows.

    Kate – Thanks for the Christmas card. If things go well, maybe I get out to MN for a comedy festival. Pretty much all I do is work, improv comedy stuff, and krav maga kicking people in the groin stuff so you’re already getting the full story off my Facebook posts.

    Rassles – If we’re lucky, I’ll be out in Chicago at the end of March for the Chicago Comedy Festival. I’ve got friends out there and Chicago’s my next targeted destination to visit before dying.

    • Get out here? I hope you do.

  7. Fuck. I hate closure.

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