Archive for the ‘Avonia the Wiccan Pimp’ Category


Close out the Twelve, Welcome the Thirteen

December 30, 2012

2012 has been a good year for the Renal Failure crew in a broad sense.  Nothing spectacular, but compared to previous years the Twelve was a marked improvement over such years as 2010 and 2011.  And 2012 was a certainly better year than 2004 and 2005, but if those years hadn’t been so horrid it’s unlikely this blog would have been started at the tail end of ’05.

Mikka finally earned a full-time position at the General Tso’s Sauce Factory after temping there for most of this year. The steady income and benefits, however, will not make it more likely that we’ll see a wedding between him and his long-time beau Samurai Cathy.  This isn’t from any fear of commitment, but rather Mikka’s inability to become a talented swordsman who could avenge Samurai Cathy’s death – a death most likely at the hands of Ninja Vicki, who is the most qualified person around to fell Samurai Cathy in combat.  So in essence, Mikka has to become a better swordsman than his current girlfriend, seeing how Vicki would be better than Cathy if Vicki indeed did best Cathy in a duel.  And you thought your relationships had a lot of baggage and obstacles to overcome.  Fear of intimacy has nothing over not being able to properly wield a blade so that you can bring justice to the person who killed your love.

Ninja Vicki had a successful year in the world of ninja-neering, but as usual didn’t fare well in the world of dating.  To be fair, ninjas have a lot of difficult dating.  It’s not like there are website where ninjas can find other ninjas to date.  Ninjas don’t date other ninjas because other ninjas are competition who must be eliminated.  The problem is that non-ninjas just aren’t bad-ass enough for ninjas to date.  “Oh, you sell insurance? I lurk in the shadows and assassinate the shogun.”  It’s a disconnect that Ninja Vicki cannot overcome in her life as a ninja, but she’s at peace with that fact 6 out of 7 days of the week.

Tina the Lesbian liked the gains made by the gay community in 2012 and hopes that when gay marriage is legalized in her state that she has someone ready to go so she can be one of the first to be gay married.  And she wants to emphasize the “gay” in “gay marriage” because as of now “gay marriage” doesn’t have the baggage that straight marriage currently carries.  All the pressures from family and society are absent from gay marriage.  Eventually that will change, but for now Tina would like to enjoy the pristine conditions of gay marriage – like an explorer finding a natural wonder never before touched by humanity’s destructive hand.

Avonia, Bernie, and Doug… they did all right for themselves in 2012.  And Tag Larkin always as an awesome year, because he is Tag Larkin.

Hope your 2013 is a marked improvement over 2012, even if 2012 was pretty good because, hey, it’s always good when better gets better.



You’re not so much jumping to conclusions as you are huffing paint and stumbling onto them

December 16, 2012

The most cogent and needed advice is always the most unheeded because it is not profitable…

One of my friends recently stated (and I’ll paraphrase here) that it’s a fucked world when someone asks “Did you hear about the shooting?” and the first thing you reply with is “Which one?”

After the primary tragedy – in this case, the school shooting in Newtown, CT – comes the secondary tragedies of the event wherein people draw the absolute wrong conclusions from the primary tragedy.

The biggest of these wrong conclusions is that if only someone else at the school had a gun and they had gone all Bruce Willis on the shooter, which is a dumb idea and is even dumber coming out of the mouth of an elected official – Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX):

“You know, having been and judge and having reviewed photographs of these horrific scenes and knowing that children have these defensive wounds — gunshots through their arms and hands as they try to protect themselves — and hearing the heroic stories the principal, lunging trying to protect — Chris, I wish to God she had had an M4 in her office locked up. So, when she heard gunfire she pulls it out and she didn’t have to lunge heroically with nothing in her hands, but she takes him out, takes his head off before he can kill those precious kids.

“Because headshots are so easy to score in the midst of a nerve-wracking life-or-death situation…”  says Tina the Lesbian, shaking her head.  “He sounds like one of those idiots after 9/11 bragging that he’d never let some Arab with a box-cutter take him out, and he would have totally saved the plane singlehandedly too.  And if he had a time machine, he totally would have kicked Hitler in his ball and stopped the Holocaust.”

“Well, the mother of the shooter had guns in her house and they didn’t do her a bit of good,” says Anonymous Doug, referring to the shooter’s first victim (from this ABCNews story – the shooter killed her then took her car and at least three of her guns to the school).  “What’s the honorable goober from Texas’s wish about her?  If only she slept with a gun under her pillow? If only she had a gun glued to her hand for just such a deadly occasion?  If only she had been made out of guns?”

“The congressman obviously didn’t heed any of the lessons of the shootings in Tucson where his colleague Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords got shot in the head,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “One of the guys who helped subdue the gunman had his own gun on him, and he almost drew his weapon and shot the guy who had wrestled the gun away from the shooter.  He said he was lucky he didn’t draw his gun, especially since then he may have been confused by others as the shooter.  He could have shot the wrong person and then have gotten shot himself.  When chaos happens, do not add to it.”

From there, the wrong conclusions depart from the tangible facts of the shooting, looping into other topics that people advocate for.  For example, former Arkansas Governor/current FOXNews personality/person who says horrible things but in a kind voice to sound reasonable Mike Huckabee opined on television:

We ask why there is violence in our schools but we have systematically removed God from our schools. Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage? Because we’ve made it a place where we don’t want to talk about eternity, life, what responsibility means, accountability — that we’re not just going to have be accountable to the police if they catch us, but one day we stand before, you know, a holy God in judgment. If we don’t believe that, then we don’t fear that. And so I sometimes, when people say, why did God let it happen. You know, God wasn’t armed. He didn’t go to the school. But God will be there in the form of a lot people with hugs and with therapy and a whole lot of ways in which I think he will be involved in the aftermath. Maybe we ought to let him in on the front end and we wouldn’t have to call him to show up when it’s all said and done at the back end.

“So because you can’t force the Jewish kids in public schools to say Christian prayers, we have massive shootings?” says Ninja Vicki. “Everyone wants God in their schools as long as it’s theirs. If a public school held Muslim prayer time, Huckabee would go fuck-all nuts about it.”

“So the ‘wrong God’ rule is why those people at the Sikh temple in Wisconsin or the Unitarian Universalist church in Tennessee got shot,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Only the real deal Christian God who passes the Pepsi Challenge can protect you from being gunned down.”

“Yes, God was not armed, BECAUSE HE IS FUCKING GOD!”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “God didn’t have to go to the school BECAUSE GOD IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING EVERYWHERE!  Why is it I know more about God than this fuckstain when I’m supposed to be hellbound?”

The third wrong conclusion drawn from this is that the tragedy occurred because of video games, a view espoused by this genius on FoxNews – Lt. Col. Dave Grossman:

What you saw in Newtown is just the beginning! This is a sick, sick culture feeding sick movies and sick video games creating very, very sick kids!


…We have raised a generation of children who have learned to kill and learned to like it. When we get a sick kid in past years, they were chewing gum and talking out in class. Now we create a sick kid and they’re gonna come kill you. If you’re the parents who let your kids play these sick games, the blood is on your hands and, by the way, you might be the first one to die.

“If first-person shooter games like Doom and Quake and Mass Effect can train me to be a cold-hearted gunman, then why hasn’t my 25 years of playing Street Fighter transformed me into an unstoppable martial arts machine?” says Mikka.  “Oh right, because that’s not how the universe works when it comes to acquiring skills and talents.  Dungeons and Dragons didn’t turn anyone into a goblin-cleaving warrior and Tecmo Bowl didn’t turn me into Joe Montana either.”

“Wait, this guy is a member of the US Military, right?” says Samurai Cathy.  “If video games teach people how to become stone-cold killers, then why are there no XBoxes or Playstations at boot camp?  Eight weeks of physical training, eight weeks of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, then off you go to defend our nation.  If anything this guy said had any basis in reality, we could end the amorphous War on Terror with a battalion of top Halo players.”

“To be fair, all the good video game players in the military are probably piloting our drones,” says Anonymous Doug.  “The controls are choppy and you only get one life, but instead of having a high score you can get money for college through the G.I. Bill.”

There are plenty of other wrong conclusions being drawn from this latest mass shooting, but sometimes there’s just too much bullshit to sort out and you have to prioritize what needs mocking.



You’re saying “modesty” but all I’m hearing is “WHORE WHORE WHORE!”

December 9, 2012

One of the things that makes high school teachers feel old – and we’re just wildly speculating here, as the blog of wild fabrications and outright lies tends to do – is when the younger siblings of students they’ve taught come through their classroom.  And we’re not talking about the siblings that are only separated by a year or two.  We’re talking about a brother or sister coming through after the older sibling has been gradumacated for a few years.

We bring this up because of this recent story about a teen starting up a “Modesty Club” in her school…

After Saige Hatch, 15, noticed a lot of sartorial “immodesty” at South Pasadena High School, despite their basic rules of appropriate dress code, she started a co-ed Modesty Club, inspired by a “No-Cussing Club” begun by her brother in 2009. His club garnered death threats and thousands of pieces of hate mail as well as porn subscriptions, but Saige, in 5th grade at the time, admired his willingness to commit to something so unpopular.

No-Cussing Club… that sounds familiar… let’s go through the Renal  Archives and – ah, there we go!  From almost four years ago!  As if we didn’t feel old enough for writing a blog of lies for what will be 7 years later this month, now we’re dealing with the younger siblings of former posts rising up to get our attention.  “Oh hi, we certainly remember your brother when we had him our class…”

So we checked out the Modesty Club website, and were sad to find out that the first rule of Modesty Club is not that you don’t talk about Modesty Club, bur rather “If it’s too tight it’s not quite right.”  And we can admit a kernel of truth in that statement because if there wasn’t there wouldn’t be any People of Wal-Mart photos for your family members to forward to you.  We’ve seen muffin-tops that would shake the courage of the hardiest soul. 200lbs of ass wedged into a 50-pound bag of spandex or denim – GOOD LORD IT’S COMING RIGHT FOR US!

But the issue of clothes flattering to the figure is not one that the Modesty Club is addressing with their “if it’s too tight” rule.  The third and fourth bullets from their Modesty Standards list these gems:

  • Shoulders and busts are graciously covered.
  • Revealing lines are warning signs

“So my tanktops make me an immodest harlot?” says Tina the Lesbian.  “At least they’re not saying that my tanktops make me deserving of being raped.  Unless that’s what that revealing lines part is for.”

“Corsets are very gracious,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “I would say the focus should be on being classy rather than modest, but that doesn’t bring in that conservative social movement cash.”

Avonia’s talking about this:

(Saige) Hatch is, in fact, groomed for this kind of Tracy Flick-ism: her parents, Brent and Phelecia, co-authored a child-rearing guide called Raising a G-Rated Family in an X-Rated World.

“So this isn’t the spontaneous movement you may believe it is,” says Ninja Vicki.  “It’s pretty much kids keeping within the family business, which is obvious because there’s a link to an upcoming store on the site.”

But it’s not all “cover up your shoulders and tits, you filthy whores” with Modesty Club, as their second and fifth standards say:

  • It’s best to flirt in a knee length skirt
  • Clean and neat catches eyes on the street

“You think I ain’t fucked a girl wearing a knee-length skirt?” says Anonymous Doug.  “You don’t think I’ve picked up a clean and neat girl in a bar and had her ask me to do some nasty shit to her?  I’ve run into girls with their tits flopping out who won’t do fuck-all in the bedroom.  Modesty ain’t all in the wardrobe.”

“At least they aren’t denying the feelings that young people in the throes of puberty will have toward each other,” says Samurai Cathy, who will fucking cut you if you tell her she’s being immodest with her samurai robe.  “But when it comes to what’s going to catch someone’s eye, it’s rather subjective.  Guys like what guys like, and if they don’t like your cable-knit sweaters and floor-length skirts then no club’s going to change their minds.  The media didn’t tell guys to be into girls in low-cut tops and short skirts.  It’s why peacocks spread their feathers.”

But perhaps the mission statement of Modesty Club – which sadly does not mention that if it’s your first time at Modesty Club, you have to be modest – holds the most insight to what the group is about:

“A shift is coming, sneaking through the literal fabric of our culture. Our bright heroic women are being made the fool. A fool to think that to be loved they must be naked. To be noticed they must be sexualized. To be admired they must be objectified.”

“I want to point out that this club got its birth in California,” says Ninja Vicki.  “It’s hot out there.  It ain’t easy being modest when it’s 90 degrees most of the year.  You want modesty, go somewhere with an actual winter. Do something about global warming. Don’t get on my ass because I wear a lot of lycra.”

“Because women have only recently been sexualized and objectified,” says Tina the Lesbian with a shake of her head.  “You want to address those issues, that’s fine, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t start in a constructive way by pegging those with visible cleavage as immodest.”

Now Modesty Club was born from a Mormon household, which we suspect is why it’s gotten such mildly positive press as in recent years the American public seems to currently view of Mormonism as a quirky but friendly faith – like a less judgmental Protestant off-shoot – that isn’t scary as long as you don’t take a closer look at how it actually operates (then it’s quite horrifying).  Now imagine this story if it had been about a Muslim teen starting a Modesty Club.  Holy shit, it’d be considered the greatest threat to America since the Ground Zero “Mosque” that wasn’t really a mosque.

But what really undercuts their message is the Modesty Club Rap video on their site.  After watching that abortion, I now have the impression that modesty renders you unable to effectively express yourself in a creative manner, much in the same way that ingesting lead paint chips renders you unable to do basic math or read anything more complicated than a Ziggy cartoon.

Does modesty still let women wear knee-high boots?  Because if not, then we’re going to have an obvious problem…



Maybe now we’ll get those Black Panther Lesbian FEMA Death Camps

November 8, 2012

So Barack Obama got reelected as President of the United States over the guy who looks like a taller version of my Uncle Kevin (something that led to a lot of confusion when watching the news drunk) and everything is right in the universe.  Or the universe is going to burn and implode.  That all depends on your collection of Facebook friends (one of mine has already made a doom and gloom prediction for the end of 2012, which I have dutifully recorded and will be checking back on at the appropriate time to see if her prognostication abilities have improved since she boastfully predicted to me back in 2003 that they’d find WMD’s in Iraq and that George W. Bush would go down at the greatest president of all time.  This is why I do my damnest to avoid making predictions).

Here at the Failure, our crew is doing all right.  There’s a sense of ease in the air.

Tag Larkin once again has won over Mitt Romney’s son Tagg Romney, reminding the universe that there can be only one Tag.  Oh, you didn’t know that Tagg Romney?  Obviously you don’t read Renal Failure, otherwise you could have saved your inheritance money from getting blown on yet another failed campaign by your dad.  Tag Larkin never loses!

Tina the Lesbian is pleased that Todd “legitimate rape” Akin and Richard “God intended for you to be raped” Mourdock lost their Senate races.  But professional crazyperson Michele Bachmann still kept her Congressional seat, setting the standard that American will vote for batshit nutballs as long as they don’t say a lot of stupid shit about rape.

Samurai Cathy has been spending the post-election day writing letters to the pundits who not just erroneously predicted Mitt Romney would win but predicted he would win by an egregiously large margins to atone for being shitty at their jobs by slicing off their pinky fingers on national television.  Luckily for her, Mikka persuaded her not to mail a knife with each letter in order to keep the Homeland Security people from busting down the door to her studio apartment.  George Will may be for small government, but we’re pretty sure he’d be dialing the FBI faster than you could say National Review if someone mailed him cutlery and a request that he use it on himself.

Note: Professional Money-Crablouse Jim Cramer predicted a ridiculously large Obama victory, 440-98, but we’re pretty sure he was hopped up on Mad Money coke when he made that prediction. We’ve already asked him years ago to commit ritual suicide for his sins against humanity.

Ninja Vicki hopes that all her donations to Obama during the campaign (aka. stuff she stole from other people, because she’s a ninja) will pay off in the form of her being chosen to participate in The Great Winnowing – when those who came out to support Mitt Romney are systematically picked off by order of the President to set the stage for Black Power Socialist Redistribution Fest 2014.  Sure, Ninja Vicki heard about these ideas from local frightened couple Sean and Lucia Wheatley, who heard it from the Formerly-Screaming-Now-Hysterically-Weeping Head on the Radio, and it probably won’t happen, but Ninja Vicki still holds out hope that she will get a chance to hunt down Meat Loaf.  Not because he supported Romney, but for having recorded “Paradise By The Dashboard Lights” which ruins every karaoke night she’s ever been to.

Avonia the Wiccan Pimp is still pissed off that evangelical leader Billy Graham had any reference to Mormonism as a cult removed from his organization’s website in order to square his support for Mitt Romney against Barack Obama. Now that Romney lost, Avonia’s waiting for Mormonism to be assigned cult status again.  Avonia’s also waiting for the day when a Republican Wiccan runs for president against a black guy so all the evangelicals who’ve been calling her a Satan worshipper for all these years have to kiss Wiccan ass.  She knows this day will never come, but sometimes you have to give yourself to flights of extreme fantasy – which is how Peggy Noonan lives every minute of her life.  Her election prediction was so mired in delirious, sticky fantasy all it was missing was a dragon fucking a unicorn while Hobbits watched while furiously masturbating.

Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat is not allowed to vote, because he is a cat.  So Bernie is trying to lobby all those billionaires who wasted their money on SuperPACs that blew obscene millions of ducats on failed Republican campaigns to steer their remaining financial support toward his campaign to get America to give cats the right to vote.  As nature’s sociopaths, cats would be very likely to vote Republican, or at least that what cats want Republicans to think.  Then election day comes and cats go 74-23 toward the Democratic candidate, revealing that it was all a clever asshole feline ruse, concocted by Bernie to make a shitload of money and allow cats to run for political office. Sure, cats will nuzzle up to you for ear scratches and cuddles, but when you die in the house, they’re going to fucking eat you.

Anonymous Doug laments that CT Republican candidate Linda McMahon (wife of World Wrestling Entertainment’s Vince McMahon) has now lost two straight elections for Senate, blowing $93 million dollars of her own money over the 2010 and 2012 campaigns. He does not lament because she lost, but because that money could have easily been better used on making WWE wrestling better. Maybe hire some better wrestler than the ones currently in the Divas division.  Maybe hire some writers who could craft an actual compelling storyline for a wrestling feud instead of the dreck currently passing for wrestling programming. Perhaps maybe kinda sorta use that money to get wrestlers some decent health care benefits in a profession that leaves its hardest workers crippled instead of blowing almost 100 million in the cause of vanity.

But always remember, no matter what, crazy never dies and peak asshole is a myth.


Voters like his position on God arranging your sexual assault

October 29, 2012

If you haven’t been a regular Renal Failure reader, you may have dumbfounded by the recent debate comments by Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock regarding rape, pregnancy, and God’s will.

“The only exception I have to have an abortion is in the case of the life of the mother,” said Mourdock, the Tea Party-backed state treasurer. “I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize life is that gift from God. I think that even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.”

But if you have been a regular Renal reader, you’d know that not only is this is a common occurrence, it’s now an actual political platform, as seen with current candidate Todd Akin’s “legitimate rape” comment (and some idiot reporter’s defense of said statement), Ron Paul’s “honest rape” comment during the primaries, and Sharron Angle’s failed campaign in 2010 where the notion of God planning for you to be raped first appeared (as well as making lemonade out of lemons when you get raped). So really, Mourdock isn’t bringing anything new table, until he came out with this gem after the debate

“I spoke from my heart. For speaking from my heart, for speaking from the deepest level of my faith, I cannot apologize,” he said. “I would be less than faithful to my faith if I said anything other than life is precious, I believe it is a gift from God. I believe that God would never want anyone harmed, sexually abused, raped. I believe it’s wrong when people want to take what I said and twist it. And if in any way people came away with the wrong meaning, then for that I do apologize.”

And there it is, the beautiful merging of two pillars of bullshit: God has a plan to have you raped and the “heart” defense (it’s not what you say, it’s what’s in your heart).  We’ve been waiting for that marriage of bullshit to occur for a while and now it’s finally here.  And in combination with the classic “I’m sorry that you were offended” non-apology, it’s like bullshit Christmas.

“I wonder if this Mourdock guy studied it out before he decided to tell people God has a plan that may involve you being raped,” says Ninja Vicki, referring to the other bullshit phrase “study it out” we’ve come across, which denotes you haven’t done any studying whatsoever.  “He said he struggled with it but that’s not quite as douchey as studying it out.”

“I like seeing all the Republicans who had been supporting Mourdock have to balance out their wishes that he still wins his Senate race while at the same time looking like they’re not standing with a guy who tells people God planned on you being raped,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “It’s a delicate waltz of bullshitting that I’d enjoy a lot more if it didn’t involve people who held high political office, but it’s the only venue that would invoke such high levels of bullshittery.”

“Like Todd Akin before him, Mourdock is saying the secret shit out loud,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “For some reason, they’re feeling either comfortable or confident that these things that  a sub-section of pro-life people only tell other pro-life people about should have a much wider audience.  There’s a reason what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, or what happens in the coven stays in the coven.”

“I’d like to know how we are to know what things are God’s intention and what things did God not intend to happen,” says Samurai Cathy.  “Hurricanes?  Your allergies to gluten?  The day when I lost my toe in a sword sparring session?  You shouldn’t be ambiguous if you’re omnipotent.”

“They need to change that prayer they teach kids to say before the go to bed,” says Mikka.  “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord that he doesn’t see fit that I should be gang-raped in an van. And if I get pregnant, please don’t let me live in a state where rapists have legal rights regarding their rape babies.”

“So life is a gift from God, but sometimes it is delivered via rape,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “What I think this Mourdock guy is trying to convey is that God bought you a present off but it’s being delivered to you in a rape-shaped box.  But that’s not God’s fault. How he could he know that choosing Express 2-Day Delivery means you get raped? Oh wait, he’s God!”

“So God doesn’t necessarily WANT you to get raped, but your pregnancy from your rape is a precious gift from God, which wouldn’t have occurred unless you had been raped…”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Which church does this guy go to?  Pentecostal? Baptist? Joel Osteen Prosperity Jesus?  Which of these Protestant faiths is completely doing away with the rules of cause and effect because I want in on that craziness.”

There has to be some internal polling report that claims that saying God intended for you to be raped is an favorable position to be taken with voters, because it wouldn’t show up this often in elections unless there bit of data saying that it’s a good idea to say it out loud for everyone to hear, which says more for the electorate than it does the candidate.


You’re don’t know how lucky you are to have my husband looking out for himself

September 23, 2012

Here at the Failure, we’ve come to reconsider what the American Dream – the oldest vague and pointless buzzword in our country’s short history – really means today in the broadest sense of the term.  For example, in a narrow sense of time and people  regarding  the American Dream, it once meant not starving to death in Ireland.  That’s not necessarily the case today – though who knows where Ireland’s current economic problems will lead to.

Today, the American Dream is having “Fuck You” Money , which is where you have so much money you can pretty much say “fuck you” to everyone because of the size of your total wealth.  Because when you have “fuck you” money, you get to say shit like Ann Romney says to people while trying to make people like her husband enough to make him president.

During an interview early this evening with Radio Iowa, Mrs. Romney directly addressed her fellow Republicans who’ve criticized her husband.

“Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring,” she said. “This is hard and, you know, it’s an important thing that we’re doing right now and it’s an important election and it is time for all Americans to realize how significant this election is and how lucky we are to have someone with Mitt’s qualifications and experience and know-how to be able to have the opportunity to run this country.”

“Yeah, you don’t know how hard it is to be rich and want to be the most powerful man in the world,” says Tina the Lesbian. “It’s much harder than figuring out poor people problems, like whether to pay for having heat in your home or for those prescription pills that keep your heart pumping blood.”

“I see Ann Romney is using the Mommie Dearest campaign strategy,” says Ninja Vicki. “Particularly the scene where Joan Crawford yells at her daughter ‘Why can’t you give me the respect that I’m entitled to? Why can’t you treat me like I would be treated by any stranger on the street?’ and her daughter (now played by the American electorate) replies ‘Because I am NOT one of your fans!’ I expect Ann Romney to strangle someone or hack down an orange tree with an axe in the next month or so.”

Or not, because Ann Romney canceled interviews with reporters after her “No wire hangers” moment with the press.

“So when Mitt Romney said his campaign only uses his wife sparingly because they don’t want people to get tired of her, it was really a nicer way of saying that the less they use her the less likely she is to pitch a self-entitled queen shit-fit,” says Mikka.  “Hey lady, until your husband is accused every day on an hourly basis of being a secret Kenyan communist Muslim black-power terrorist who will round up all the white people into FEMA-sponsored death camps, you’re nowhere close to knowing what hard is.”

“She’s talking like a crooked pimp talks to his ho’s,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “Hey, you know how lucky you are to have me looking out for you?  To have me selling your ass on the street, taking all of your money, and keeping you hooked on heroin?  I am doing all this for you, you selfish bitch, and I will slap the inconsiderateness out of your mouth if you look at me sideaways again!  Now vote for Mitt Romney!”

The concept of Ann Romney as a pimp makes a lot more sense than it really should.  For one, pimping ain’t easy.  In fact, it’s very hard.  Also, Ann Romney’s already shown the back of her hand to women voters in a campaign stop earlier in September

“Women, you need to wake up,” she urged them. “Women have to ask themselves who’s going to have and be there for you. I can promise you, I know, that Mitt will be there for you. He will stand up for you, he will hear your voices.”

Then there was her message to Latino voters at the end of August

Hispanics are an important voting bloc, especially in this battleground state. Romney said she’s speaking out to make “sure that those coalitions,” referring to women and Hispanic voters, “that would naturally be voting for another party wake up and say, You’d better really look at the issues this time.”

“You’d better really look at your future and figure out who’s going to be the guy that’s going to make it better for you and your children, and there is only one answer,” Mrs. Romney said, giving a harsher pitch than we usually hear from the woman who wants to be the next first lady.

“When you tell someone to wake up when they’re not sleeping, you’re being a dick,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “No one has ever been converted to  a point of view by being told to ‘wake up.’  You might as well just call them a fucktarded dumbass and save yourself the trouble of being polite and bothering to bring them over to your way of thinking.”

“That sounds like the worst pick-up line ever,” says Anonymous Doug.  “Hey, baby, do you want to go out?  No?  Hey, missy, you’d better really look at your future and figure out who’s going to be the guy that’s going to make it better for you and your children, and there is only one answer – me!  Now get in my car – we’re going to Applebee’s!”

The strange thing about when Ann Romney tries to convince people to vote for her husband is that she doesn’t say exactly why you should do so or what specifically he would do as president, only that you should just take her word for it that he’s going to do a good job.  And that sort of “Just do what I say and shut up” attitude comes from having “Fuck You” money.  It’s what makes having “Fuck You” money so appealing, and thus it’s what makes “Fuck you” money the new American Dream.

What should the American Dream be other than having “fuck you” money?  How about being Tag Larkin?  Sure, you can never be Tag Larkin, but that’s what dreams are for.


Get off of my lawn, chair!

August 31, 2012

I’ve always believed political party conventions are horrid occasions of inflated importance and rank wankery, but after seeing Clint Eastwood on stage talking to an empty chair for almost ten minutes at the Republican National Convention I’ve come to the conclusion that these ridiculous events wanked themselves so hard that they have become self-aware and are now just fucking with us.

“My grandpa used to talk to an empty chair too,” says Ninja Vicki.  “No one applauded him, and the nurses had to keep him away from sharp objects.”

“Was Clint Eastwood doing a Bob Newhart bit?”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Not everyone can pull off that charmingly-awkward Newhart one-way conversational cadence.  And if you’ve been playing bad-ass tough guy characters for the past 60 odd years, you really can’t pull it off.”

“John McCain should have done this in 2008,” says Mikka.  “It would have made his choice of Sarah Palin for Vice President a lot easier to understand if he accepted his party’s nomination by talking to furniture.”

Side note: McCain/Chaise Lounge would have been a strong Presidential ticket.

“I’m going to assume this routine was all Mr. Eastwood’s idea,” says Anonymous Doug.  “Are you going tell Clint Eastwood what he can do on stage?  Are you going to dare edit him?  ‘Excuse me Mr. Eastwood, we don’t think you should use your time to talk to an imaginary Barack Obama in a chair.’  Go on, tell him that and see what he does to you.  He’ll probably cockslap you.”

“I don’t think Clint Eastwood’s strengths as a performer lay in his improv ability,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “I think he needs the structure that a solid script provides or else you get… old guy rambling at an empty chair.”

“If you’re going to have someone give a speech where they”re talking to an inanimate object, get Tom Hanks because he did that shit well in that movie where he was alone on that island,” says Bernie the Half Cyborg Cat.  “At least he’s young.  An old man being angry at furniture?  That’s what the Republican Party thought would be a good thing to have as a defining image of their convention?  Fucking hell…”

“Somewhere a Democratic consultant is thinking of a way to top that at their convention,” says Samurai Cathy.  “I’m not sure how.  Maybe they roll Kirk Douglas out to read chapters of Fifty Shades of Grey to the audience.”

Tag Larkin did not care for Clint Eastwood’s speech because when chairs talk back to Tag Larkin he hurls them through windows.  Even when they’re not being talkative, chairs still get thrown by Tag Larkin because Tag Larkin is forcing the evolution of chairs by getting them used to being airborne.

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