I went to see Doctor Fireman yesterday to go over the results of a blood test I took last week, and the good doctor had some good news for me.
“Well your bad cholesterol is very low, and your good cholesterol is very high,” says Doctor Fireman. “And your molesterol is non-existent.”
“My what?” I say.
“Your molesterol,” says Doctor Fireman. “Science has discovered that sex offenders tend to have high amounts of a unique plaque in their arteries that no one else but sex offenders have. And it’s called molesterol.”
“So you can tell if someone will be a child molester just from a blood test?” I say.
“More or less, yeah,” says Doctor Fireman. “Or high amounts of molesterol could just mean that you’re Italian. That explains why old Italian men are such grab-asses.”
“Well, I’m half-Italian, what should I do make sure my molesterol stays down?” I ask. “Eat more fish? Cut down on sodium?”
“Just stay off the limoncello and you shouldn’t get a molesterol flare-up,” says Doctor Fireman. “Now let’s check your colon for spiders.”
This sort of candor and straight-talk is why I go to Doctor Fireman for my medical needs.