So we read in the news that the Iraqi city of Basra is pretty much calling off Christmas this year in the wake of two Christians being shot. Well, they’re still doing the religious stuff involved with Christmas, but they’re telling people not to set up a Christmas tree or exchange gifts. It’s kind of like getting the withdrawal effects of heroin without the rush of pleasure from shooting it into your vein.
But are the Fighting Blitzens of the 7th Holiday Infantry Division going over to Iraq to defend Christmas from Islamic extremists? No, they’re staying right here, making sure the giant Christmas tree in the town square is defended at all hours from its enemies, which I assume are either birds, loggers, or kids who are into vandalism. We assumed this is because the Fighting Blitzens would be easy targets in Basra with their green and red uniforms adorned with silver tinsel trim.
Instead, much like we do with a lot of things, we’re outsourcing our defense of the Christmas in Iraq to the mercenaries at Blackwater. It’s a 20 million dollar contract with the Pentagon, in keeping with the Christmas spirit of overspending on a bunch of shit no one needs for people you don’t really care about. But we go through the motions anyway…
Actually, I’m not sure how Blackwater is going to bring Christmas back to Basra. Caroling at gunpoint? Throwing presents out of the back of an armored Hummer? Waterboarding villagers to procure the whereabouts of the Grinch? Operational details have not been made available, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be violent.
So sleep well this Christmas, knowing that this hallowed holiday is well protected by men who don’t answer to any international treaty or law. And best of all, unlike American troops, you’re not required to feel bad if Blackwater mercenaries get killed. Remember, the little magnetic ribbons say “Support our Troops” not “Support our Overpaid Private Armies.”
Hark the humor-blogs.com sing… glory to the newborn king…