I’m having many, many drinks with Tina the Lesbian the other day on my front porch and we got to talking about stereotypes and Tina brought up a salient point…
“Why is it that gay men are stereotyped to be so fashionable while lesbians get subjected to stereotypes regarding how poorly we supposedly dress?” says Tina the Lesbian.
“Well, I think it has to with cock,” I say.
“But heterosexual men have cocks and they dress for shit,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Heterosexual women dress much better. They wear all the fashion show clothes.”
“I’m not talking about having a cock,” I say. “I’m talking about desiring cock. You have to dress up for cock.”
“Why do gay men and straight women have to dress up for cock?” says Tina the Lesbian. “Why don’t lesbians and straight guys have to dress up for vagina?”
“It probably has something to do with erections,” I say. “You need to coax the cock to rise up and play. The vagina’s just there.”
“It is not just there,” says Tina the Lesbian. “You have to prime that pump too.”
“Yeah, but as far as I know there are no embarrassing stories from high school about girls going up to the blackboard with moist pussies,” I say. “But pretty much every guy has a story about having an obviously visible erection at an inopportune time. You could be sopping wet right now and I’d have no idea – ‘cept maybe the smell depending on your personal bacteria levels – yet you’d readily know if I was packing wood.”
“But if men get aroused so easily, why would gay men and straight women need to dress up for cock?” Tina says.
“For the same reason you throw money into the cup of a street performer,” I say. “It’s a show. It’s a spectacle. And you appreciate it. This limp fleshy thing on my crotch gets engorged with blood and rises in size and rigidity pretty much involuntarily. And if you rub it the right way long enough it spits out sticky goo. What other body part does that? Where else are you going to see that? It’s like the Broadway of anatomy, and you get dressed up to see a Broadway show.”
“So vagina is off-Broadway?” says Tina. “I guess the miracle of child birth is too raw for the bright lights, big city crowd.”
“Well, the dress code is certainly more relaxed for pussy, that’s for sure,” I say. “But back to the clothing… women drop insane coin for Manolos or Kate Spade or whatever shoes they push on Sex and the City. You think Tag Larkin paid over a hundred bucks for his shoes? The man shops for clothes at Sears because he won’t buy clothes any place where he can’t also buy things that can be used as weapons, like circular saws or tire irons. And I don’t think he pays for his merchandise half the time. But he gets pussy nonetheless.”
“Hmm… Mikka wears hockey jerseys and retro video game shirts, and he gets laid by Samurai Cathy…” Tina the Lesbian muses.
“Meanwhile here you are in khaki cargo shorts that hang past your knees, a pair of water sandals, and a faded and frayed Lilith Fair tanktop from 1999,” I say. “You are obviously not looking for cock dressed like that, but you’ve got the notion you can get some poontang looking like that.”
“I think Lance Patriarchy is to blame for all this,” says Tina the Lesbian.
“Oh, of course,” I say. “Who else but the embodiment of male oppression would engineer the need to dress up for cock while vag is relegated to Casual Fridays?”
“So how do we get people to dress up for pussy?” Tina says.
“Why would I want to help you make the quest for pussy harder for me?” I say. “I have enough problems getting some as it is. If equality is going to make it harder for me to get laid, then I’m not helping.”
“All right, how about we get people not to dress up for cock?” says Tina the Lesbian.
“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with devaluing cock like that,” I say. “Why would I want the price of a stock I personally and physically own to go down? I can’t have you ruining my crotch portfolio.”
“Well, then you’re no damn help at all,” says Tina.
“And I never claimed to be,” I say.
Another couple pitchers of Tom Collins and we get to drafting a proposal to make speed metal the new stereotype music of choice for lesbians to replace that acoustic folksy crap they’re usually lumped into listening to. Unfortunately we got so drunk that we wrote the draft in a code that we promptly forgot. Well, sometimes you change the world, other times you don’t. Better luck tomorrow.