Archive for the ‘Meta’ Category


Haven’t done an blog award post in a while

February 24, 2013


Our friend and regular Renal Reader Kate saw fit to give us one of those blog awards that function must like the chain surveys you used to get in your email box during the glory days of America Online.  Back then we didn’t have YouTube or Maru or Facebook or most other Internet distractions that we take for granted today, so yeah we had a lot of time to fill out 60-question surveys and send them back to all the friends we knew who owned computers.  But Kate’s interested in our answers, has three kids to chase around all day, and is probably the one person who knows us from before we started Renal Failure who still reads this blog regularly so let’s do her a solid and read the rules:

To be eligible you must have under 200 followers(check!) and follow the rules of answering the 11 questions asked by your nominator, add in 11 random facts*, choose people to award it on to (no repeats, share the love), and make 11 new questions for them.

Ugh… this is a lot of work but we said we would so let’s go to the questions:

Read the rest of this entry ?


2012 in review – A WordPress-provided retrospective on the year

January 1, 2013

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 19,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 4 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.


Seven Years of Renal Failure and Still Not Dead

December 20, 2012

Is it coincidence that Renal Failure’s 7th birthday would come the day before the Mayan Apocalypse?

Fuck you, Mayans!  We’re getting in our blog anniversary, fuckers!

And the world isn’t ending either, you know why?  Because we’ve got shoes!  Yeah, we got ’em, you didn’t.  And that’s why I still get to drink this weekend instead of being consumed by cataclysmic fire and destruction.  Bitches!  Say hi to the invading Spaniards for me, with their guns and shoes.

So WordPress is saying this is our 1784th post.   Not too shabby, though our posts over the past couple years have been less frequent. But we’d like to think they’ve kept up the high standards of bullshittery and venom that you’ve come to expect from us.  Back when we started this blog, we didn’t have much of anything going for us, but happily that’s changed over the these 7 years.  We write more outside of the blog, we have more hobbies and interests, we have more friends (actual people, t00), and we have more creative avenues to explore than we did back in 2005 when this grand writing experiment began (back when we made it our goal of writing something every day).  On a contentment graph, things for the most part have trended upward since our low point in 2005 (2004 sucked worse, but that’s not relevant to the conversation).

We ain’t getting soft, we’re getting more pointed.  More damage in a more concentrated area – that’s what we’re doing. Renal Failure still serves a purpose for us as a unique venue for making sense of a world of bullshit.  There’s no other avenue for roundtable discussions between a half-cyborg cat, a ninja, and a Wiccan pimp.  So as long as you keep coming back, there will be something here for you.

Here’s something to make you smile…

Year Eight begins tomorrow.



2011 in review for Renal Failure

January 1, 2012

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for Renal Failure.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 19,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 7 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.


Six Full Years of Renal Failure

December 20, 2011

Attention.  Attention.

Today is Renal Failure 6th birthday, which is about four more birthdays than we ever thought this blog would have. Yeah, we don’t post as much as we used to, but it’s a different world out there than when we started in late 2005.

My goal before Renal Failure’s 7th birthday is to create a sketch show featuring the Renal Failure characters coming alive on stage.  I want to do this for many reasons, one of which is so I can have a Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat puppet.

Here’s hoping Year Seven of Renal Failure goes much better than Year Six.


Turn Back the Renal Clock: September 2008 Part Four

December 9, 2011

Avonia the Wiccan Pimp gets into an altercation over a gourd.

Lance Patriarchy explains to Tina the Lesbian why Sarah Palin being grossly unqualified to be Vice-President is actually an advancement for the equality movement.

This is why you’re voting for Tag Larkin.

Samurai Cathy meets Avonia the Wiccan Pimp for the first time.

Who should you invest your money in?  Tag Larkin, that’s who.


Turn Back the Renal Clock: September 2008 Part Three

December 8, 2011

More past lies…

Ninja Vicki misses being wooed by Tag Larkin.

Avonia the Wiccan Pimp wants the government to bail out the prostitution industry, whether it needs it or not. It makes a lot more sense than giving the banks all that money.

Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat wants to shoot wolves from a helicopter, just like Sarah Palin does.

Crimson Paraplegic’s search for an arch-nemesis leads her to Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog.

Someone was trying to kill Lord Likely.  The Renal Failure players offer their protection.


Turn Back the Renal Clock: September 2008 Part Two

December 7, 2011

More from the past lies and fabrications…

Tag Larkin vs. Sarah Palin’s kids… guess who won that battle?

There’s a small distinction between being Lesbian Tina and Tina the Lesbian.

Abortion on demand is something very different that what Anonymous Doug believes it to be.

One time we completely forgot about 9/11.


Turn Back the Renal Clock – September 2008 Part One

December 6, 2011

While we wait for inspiration for more wild fabrications and outright lies, we’ll give you some of our older material that you may have missed the first time around…

It’s hard to write resumes for a ronin for hire.

Sarah Palin is announced as John McCain’s running mate for President. Immediately we deduce that a bear is a better candidate.

We need gay cards to send to our gay friends getting gay married.

If you say you’re funny and you’re not funny, I will be mad at you.


Ooh… what rounded number of arbitary significance have reached this time?

July 15, 2011

Renal Readers, whether you be newcomers to the Failure or seasoned veterans, welcome to Renal Failure’s 1,700th post.  To celebrate, let’s bring up some favorite posts (listed in no particular order) of our first year of blogging that very few people saw because it wasn’t on WordPress yet, it was on my long-since deleted Myspace page as a writing experiment (Myspace… wow, shit was certainly different back in those days of yore…) .  Also, these posts don’t get referenced much, if at all, in the later years either.

December 23, 2005: Our first real post, introducing both Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat and Anonymous Doug.  And it explains how Doug’s anonymous powers work.  Also his powers are demonstrated here as well.

June 14, 2006: One of Psycho Dave’s best ideas ever, and the explanation of his feud with Alex’s Lemonade Stand.

March 1, 2006: The shocking secret of Lent is revealed!

June 9, 2006: We do the hokey-pokey differently than other people.

May 23, 2006: This is why I don’t get invited to cocktail parties anymore.

December 31, 2005: Tag Larkin is introduced to the world, and the world is never the same.

December 4, 2006: Anonymous Doug figures out how to legally have sex with a 12-year old.  And it doesn’t involve going to a Southeast Asian country either.

April 19, 2006: I have problems expressing love in healthy ways.

December 16, 2006: We debut our Bible-based superhero Eli Kodiak to the world. Pat Robertson’s Trinity Broadcasting Network has not optioned us for a series yet, but we think a man of God who can summon bears to eat people is much better than that Left Behind series, or whatever else Kirk Cameron’s pushing these days.

April 9, 2006: Somehow I make inappropriate public nudity funny on a regular basis.

October 26, 2006: I only chose this because I like the phrase “Joe Piscopalians.”

July 22, 2006: This is a joke that’s sending me straight to Hell.

August 31, 2006: The Safety Dance goes horribly wrong.

Leave a comment about your favorite all-time Renal Failure post. Relive the fond memories of the 1,700 post juggernaut that is the blog of wild fabrications and outright lies!

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