Posts Tagged ‘abstinence’


If I hold your hand, I’m halfway to getting a handjob and anal

April 13, 2012

We almost forgot that April is Confederate History Month, a glorious month in which certain southern states of the Union celebrate that one time 160 years ago when they decided not to be American anymore rather than stop owning black people. It’s like sticking your genitals in a bear trap, having the ripped from your body, and then throwing a party every year proclaiming that you’re going to get new genitals some day and when you do they’re going to right back in that bear trap to show it what’s what.  To us fast-talking Yankee bastards, it reminds us to mock the South.

Now to be fair, Tennessee does not celebrate Confederate History Month, but they were still part of the Confederacy and still do some pants-on-head retarded shit, like bring up a bill in their Senate that updates their abstinence-only sexual education law that prohibits teachers from discussing “gateway sexual activities” such as “holding hands.”

Ah… just when I think there’s nothing in the news to skewer, the South never fails verify my abysmal opinion of it. It’s Happy Hour at the Failure, and we’ve got half-off specials on ridicule and snark.

“I don’t remember holding hands being talked about in my sex ed class,” says Anonymous Doug.  “I remember the whole penis goes into the vagina and ejaculates part, but apparently they’re not that far advanced in Tennessee to get to that point.  That knowledge only gets unlocked by the minister presiding over your wedding.”

“Do you know what’s really a gateway sexual activity?  Having genitals,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Either seal up your cooch or lop off your twig and berries because as long as you have those, the gate’s always open.”

“Well, what are fingers but bony penises, right?”  says Mikka.  “The symbolism is there if you just look hard enough, and breathe in a lot of ammonia fumes in a small enclosed space.”

“I would think zealous repression of sexual knowledge is more of a gateway sexual activity than holding hands or kissing,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “All this is going to do is eliminate foreplay and have teens go straight for awkward, unlubricated penetration.”

“I want to see what else is a gateway sexual activity according to these people,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Skirts above the knee?  Skinny jeans? Tetris?  We need to know what innocuous behavior will trigger a teen fuckfest according to the greatest minds the Volunteer State could assemble!”

“In Saudi Arabia, men holding hands in a sign of friendship and respect,” says Ninja Vicki.  “But in Tennessee it’s a sign that sexual passion is brewing.  How the hell are the Saudis more reasonable than Americans on this?”

Samurai Cathy found this passage interesting…

According to a 2009 Youth Risk Behavior Study, 61 percent of Memphis City high school students and 27 percent of middle school students have had sex.  That’s higher than the national average.

“So they already have abstinence-only education, their teen sex rate is still higher than average, and their answer to this problem is to reduce what little their teens can be taught about anything peripheral of sex?” says Samurai Cathy.  “So if this doesn’t work, what’s next?  Not telling children how to go to the bathroom for fear they will touch their own genitals?”

I have no doubt there are people in non-Confederate states here in the north that think that this would be a good idea, but the difference is that it’s harder to make that idiotic notion into law up here.  Not impossible, mind you (in fact it’s still quite probable), but you have to put a little more effort to turn lunacy into legislation outside of Dixie. We can’t rid the world of stupidity but could we at least do a better job of not letting stupidity gain the means to inflict itself on a large scale?

EXTRA SPECIAL NOTE: We noticed that we got over 200 hits on Wednesday of this week because Rick Santorum dropped out of the Presidential race because  any time Santorum is big in the news we get a lot of hits because of this picture we posted about five years ago commemorating the time he lost his Senate seat by a landslide and dragged his unwilling family on stage to be the backdrop for his concession speech.

Now that he quit trying to be president, we’re probably not going to see those Santorum traffic spikes anymore, but that’s a small price to pay for knowing that people still find it unpalatable for him to hold political office.  It’s a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day.


It’s like watching John Hinckley Jr. do a PSA on how to impress women

December 5, 2010

We’re late to the party on this, mainly because we were out masquerading as the leader of the Taliban so we could score some money for bootleg cases of Four Loko, but we couldn’t let it go without bringing it before the Renal Failure players.  It’s the PSA between Bristol Palin and MTV Jersey Shore’s The Situation about not fucking… or fucking but with a condom… or how you just shouldn’t fuck either Bristol “the Fallow Field” Palin or  Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino because you’ll either end up knocking her up again or you’ll get a case of crotch rot so bad they will seal off your vagina with concrete.  I’m not exactly sure what the message of this PSA is because everything about it is the intellectual equivalent of letting someone drop a cinder block from three stories up on your brain.  After watching it, a doctor can classify you with having a Grade 2 concussion.

“I hated this PSA so much I went out and had unprotected sex with a girl in the bathroom of a methodone clinic,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “That’s how spiteful I am to Bristol, that Situation guy, and everyone who had a hand in making this abortion.”

“The title ‘Dancing With The Stars’ has a very loose definition of the term ‘Stars,'”  says Mikka.  “The Situation is famous for being on a reality show where he fucks women constantly and acts like disgusting caricature of a human being, and Bristol is famous because she got knocked up while being the daughter of a Vice Presidential candidate who says crazy shit on a daily basis.  But at least The Situation had to audition to get on Jersey Shore.”

“And I thought they were reaching for stars when they put Kate Gosselin on the show,”  says Samurai Cathy.  “So apparently in America rampant fertility qualifies you as a star, which is news to all those Irish-Catholic families in my old neighborhood who cranked out 7 to 10 kids.  The media never paid any attention to them.”

“It is so forced when he keeps calling her B. Palin,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Is that some sort of new thing where people just don’t deal with first names anymore.  Are people going to be calling me T. Lesbian from now on?”

“This PSA would offend me as a woman, as an Italian, and as a human being in general  if I happened to be any of those things, which thankfully I’m not,”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “This PSA embodies why the terrorists hate us.”

“Notice how no one mentions The Pill in this PSA,”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “As if the only options for women are to just clamp their legs closed and say no to cock.  Men get to flash their Magnum condoms around like FBI badges but the goddess forbid if female contraception is ever discussed.”

“I don’t think Bristol is being abstinent by choice here,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Mom’s got millions in speaking fees, a reality show on TLC, and a constant spot on Fox News where their hosts lick her asshole clean on a nightly basis.  There is no way Sarah Palin’s going to let a daughter who has already shown questionable taste in men ruin that gravy train by spawning again.  She probably had Bristol fitted for a cast-iron chastity belt as soon as she popped out her illegitimate child.”

“The Situation pisses Tag Larkin to no end,”  says Tag Larkin.  “The Situation says his name over and over again, shortening it and making it a verb.  Tag Larkin does not need to do such pitiful things.  Tag Larkin keeps the integrity of his given name by maintaining it as a proper noun.”

If this PSA gives out concussions, the next one Bristol makes on abstinence is sure to make you piss blood from its complete insipidness.


How’s that mommy out of wedlocky thing working out for you?

April 8, 2010

So there’s this PSA starring Bristol Palin about teen pregnancy, and I think it’s supposed to promote abstinence but there’s some dispute amongst the group on that issue.  Watch it for yourself.

“Yeah, pause before you play,”  says Mikka.  “Pause to put on a damn condom then commence to playing.  But then again, condoms are to Palins what sunlight is to vampires.”

“I agree, this isn’t promoting abstinence,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “It’s promoting buttsex.  Let your guy drill you in the ass and you won’t end up like Bristol Palin.”

“No, this ad is telling teens that it’s only okay to fuck if you have a rich mommy and daddy,”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Rich people get to fuck all they want, but under no circumstances should the lower classes partake in such joy.”

“Maybe it’s an ad to make teenagers gay,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Pause before you play, unless you’re gay because then you can fuck all you want without worrying about getting preggers.”

“I thought it was an ad about spousal abuse, the way she looks more and more beat up as the commercial went on,”  says Samurai Cathy.  “Maybe the message is you should be a lot more choosy about you have sex with and not let any jackass on the high school hockey team put one through your five-hole.”

“So is she admitting that her son is an utter mistake and that if not for her family’s fortune and connections he would have caused her to be condemned to a joyless life of abject poverty and constant suffering?”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “Please don’t ever let that kid see this PSA unless you want him up on a clocktower picking people off with one of Grandma Sarah’s assault rifles that she used to shoot wolves with from a helicopter.”

“Yes, children will ruin your life, thanks for the update from Obviousville, Bristol,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Though it did remind me I have to get another batch of birth control pills at the end of the month, so maybe that’s the PSA’s point.”

“Why bother?”  says Samurai Cathy.  “The last time you got touched by a man Christopher Eccleston was still the Doctor.”

“You have a lopsided ass, you cry after sex, and your womb is barren!”  Ninja Vicki snaps back before throwing down a smoke ball and disappearing through the ceiling.  Everyone looks confused, except for Cathy who looks mortified, which is something I didn’t know samurai could do.

“So does that mean Mikka can stop wearing a condom when he bangs you?”  Anonymous Doug says to Samurai Cathy.  “Also, I have a level in my trunk…”

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