Posts Tagged ‘bombing’


The first five minutes are the same as the last five minutes

April 16, 2013

“Hey Tina the Lesbian?” I say.

“Yes?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Does this make me a bad person?” I say.

“Depends on what ‘this’ is,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Well, I found out about the Boston Marathon bombing in the late afternoon while I was out of my house,” I say.

“Right…” says Tina the Lesbian, nervous.

“And when I got home, I took a nap,” I say. “I didn’t turn on the TV, didn’t check the Internet, nothing.  Just sat my ass on the couch and went to sleep for a few hours.  I don’t think I was even tired.”

“So why did you take a nap then?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Because I wanted to miss all the bullshit coverage of the bombing,” I say.  “You know what news networks get right in the initial rush of a tragedy like this?  Nothing.  You know what they get right after that?  Still nothing.”

“And you’d certainly miss the rush of Facebook and Twitter posts wildly speculating on things too,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“By the time I woke up from my nap is when the news reached the human interest part of the tragedy,” I say.  “When they start interviewing anyone and everyone who was around when the bombs went off.  They really have nothing much to add to the story.  I forgot how much time a newscast can cover by just getting someone to talk about something being loud and then people screamed.  The first couple people you hear it from, yeah, it’s a harrowing tale.  Seventh and eighth people… now you’re just padding out the broadcast because you don’t know fuck-all about what happened.”

“You didn’t miss much by sleeping through the initial coverage,” says Tina.  “I had just as much correct information about the bombing at the end of the day then I did at the beginning.”

“And whatever was going to happen next didn’t require me to watch it,” I say.

“Wake you when it’s over,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Pretty much,” I say.  “Because any distress I was feeling over the bombing would have been compounded by hours upon bullshit news coverage.  They found someone, they didn’t find someone. There’s more bombs, they’re not bombs. I don’t need that shit making things worse for me.”

“So you’re asking me if you sleeping through the direct aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombing makes you a bad person?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“In the interest of missing bullshit news coverage and Internet hysteria over events I have no control over, yes,” I say.

“Actually, you probably did the best thing possible,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “You don’t know anyone in Boston so you didn’t have to check if they were okay.  You weren’t going to be informed by the news so why bother watching it like a hawk?  And you have no one who would need comforting or consoling so your lack of availability isn’t an issue.  Fuck, now I wished I slept through it.”

So I sleepily stumbled into something mentally healthy.  Not many people can say they’ve done that.



Do the bombs of a Pro-Lifer make you fertile instead of dead?

September 14, 2010

As regular Renal Readers will know (and now you non-regular readers will know), Tina the Lesbian regularly suffers the panicked delusions of her neighbors Sean and Lucia Wheatley.  Usually the topics are about gay marriage threatening their marriage, or gays threatening high school proms, or if mops are socialists, or if homosexuality is caused by demons, or if toaster ovens make you gay, or if Obama is a communist or a secret Muslim or a radical Christian (because he can’t be all three), or if gays are a bigger threat to America than terrorists, or if gays can cause earthquakes with their homo ways.  You know, a whole lot of dumb shit they got off some asshole on the TV or the radio or the Internet.

Well, after all these years Tina the Lesbian has decided that her usual tactic of calmly and rationally dealing with the Wheatley’s hysterical and misinformed squealings just wasn’t working anymore, and has she decided that perhaps turnabout really is fair play instead of a meaningless cliche.

So there’s a knock at the door of the Wheatley’s house this evening, and Sean and Lucia find Tina on their doorstep.

“Stop trying to kill us!”  Tina yells at them.

“Who?”  says Sean Wheatley.  “Who’s killing who and with what?”

“Pro-Lifers, they’re going to blow us up!”  Tina says, really playing up the crazy.

“I don’t think we are,”  says Lucia.  “Did we miss something in the church bulletin.”

“Don’t act like you don’t know,”  says Tina.  “Didn’t you see the news about the Christian in New Hampshire who got caught trying to help plan a bombing on an abortion clinic?  He called himself the Christian counterpart to Osama bin Laden.  Christian Pro-Lifers are coming to murder us!”

“I don’t think the actions of one man should be used to paint a whole group,”  says Sean Wheatley.

“Yeah, this seems like an isolated incident,”  says Lucia Wheatley.

“What about the Dr. Tiller murder?”  says Tina.  “Or the Olympic bombing in Atlanta?  You know there’s only two groups that have committed terrorism at the Olympic games: Palestinians and Pro-Lifers.  Coincidence?  There are no coincidences!”

“Oh my God!’  says Sean Wheatley.  “You’re right.”

“We’re killers!”  says Lucia Wheatley.

“Wait, what?”  says Tina, not expecting the Wheatley’s to believe the bullshit she was throwing at them. “No, guys…”

“We’ve been so afraid of Muslims and gays and atheists killing us that we were blind to the truth,”  says Sean Wheatley.  “It’s like a bad mystery novel where you find out the detective in charge of the case is really the killer.”

“We’re our own Manchurian Candidates!”  says Lucia Wheatley.  “And what better way to hide our murderous ways than by calling ourselves Pro-Life!”

“No, you’re not supposed to agree with me,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “You’re supposed to give yourself  a migraine trying to unravel all the stupid shit I’m throwing at you that I don’t really believe.”

“It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe it,”  says Sean.  “All that matters is that you said it and someone else believes it.”

“And we are people of faith, so we’ll believe anything,”  says Lucia.

Tina leaves the Wheatley’s for her abode and her extra-strength migraine pills, her throbbing headache a painful reminder that you can’t fight the combined forces of scared and stupid.

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