Posts Tagged ‘catholic church’


Your pets, however, are still soulless and hellbound

May 23, 2013

I think the Pope is drunk. That’s because he’s saying anyone can get into heaven now, like he’s the wasted friend who declares at the bar that the party’s continuing back at your place.

“The Lord created us in His image and likeness, and we are the image of the Lord, and He does good and all of us have this commandment at heart: do good and do not do evil. All of us. ‘But, Father, this is not Catholic! He cannot do good.’ Yes, he can… “The Lord has redeemed all of us, all of us, with the Blood of Christ: all of us, not just Catholics. Everyone! ‘Father, the atheists?’ Even the atheists. Everyone!”.. We must meet one another doing good. ‘But I don’t believe, Father, I am an atheist!’ But do good: we will meet one another there.”

“Thank you for telling me something I had no concern about,” I say, being an atheist.  “You might as well have told me I could get into fucking Narnia or Middle Earth or Westeros or whatever fantasy novel world you happen to be reading.”

“So atheists can get into Catholic heaven without doing all that Catholic bullshit like going to confession or not eating meat on Fridays during Lent or the Virgin Birth?” Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat says. “Then why stay Catholic if you can get the same result with half the effort and guilt?  You’re diluting the brand, Frannie!  You used to be that nightclub that only let a few people in, now you’ve turned it into a TGIFriday’s.”

“You have to die in battle to go Valhalla,” says Mikka.  “The valkyries don’t just take anyone because they think they’re swell.”

“That really has to sting the people who think atheists and gays and other non-believers are automatically hellbound,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Now I can tell my older relatives that I can lick as much sinful carpet as I want and I’ll still end up in the same afterlife location as them.  How do you like them apples, Nana!”

“I’m sure a bit later the Pope will preface his remarks by saying that non-Catholics and non-believers can get into heaven, but only if they’re like super good,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Like there’s a scorecard for heaven and atheists are docked 70 points right from the start.  There’s a deficit you as an atheist have to overcome for not going to Mass or believing in Jesus while regular churchgoers don’t have to do as much to get into heaven.  Catholics get to play on Easy Mode; atheists have to play on the Hard difficulty level.”

“You’re all redeemed by the blood of Christ, but we’re still going to fight to not let gays adopt children or get married,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “We can lower the threshold on who is possibly hellbound but we’re not about to start letting women hold any positions of power within the Church.  It’s apparently easier for the Catholic Church to bend the rules of the afterlife than to let women have any authority in its structure.”

“This strikes me as more of a marketing rebranding of the Church,” says Samurai Cathy.  “Like when Domino’s Pizza had those ads apologizing for how non-edible and awful their pizza used to be.  Now you have the new Pope cleaning up some of the mess left behind from Scary German Pope who didn’t give a flying fuck who the Church alienated.  Hey, remember how the old Catholic Church didn’t like you, try New and Improved Catholic Church – the one that likes everyone!”

If this keeps Catholics from giving atheists and Wiccans and gays the stink eye, great news.  Otherwise it has as much effect on my godless life as if the Pope had read out loud his recipe for red velvet cake.  It doesn’t affect me – I don’t believe there’s a God and I don’t bake desserts.



You don’t want to know how this guy made 20K

June 4, 2012

Mikka and I are having some beers together.  We don’t get to do that often anymore.  It’s a fact of life we’ve come to accept.  But Mikka seems troubled.

“So minimum wage is $7.25 an hour, right?” says Mikka, who makes slightly higher than that an hour at the General Tso’s Chicken Sauce factory. He’d make more but the temp agency takes their cut and they pass the screwing onto the temp.

“Yup, on a federal level and in this state, the minimum wage is $7.25 an hour,”  I say, confirming his suspicions.

“So 7.25 times 40 hours a week, times 52 weeks a year is…”  Mikka says, trying to do math in his head and failing.

“15,080,” I say, doing math how it’s supposed to be done: hastily scribbled on a cocktail napkin.  “And that is assuming you never get sick or take a day off, and it also assumes you get paid for holidays like Christmas and Fourth of July.”

“Now I just read a story about how the ass-clown in New York Cardinal Nolan back when he was running the archdiocese in Milwaukee was paying off molester priests $20,000 to leave the priesthood,” says Mikka.

“Yeah, because they wanted to forgo the lengthy, expensive process of removing the priests from the priesting profession,” I say.  “And also so the Church could conveniently cover up the fact that these priests were buggering underage kids. They said ‘hey, do a solid, take the cash, and leave quietly, kthxbai!’ ”

“This means that a person working their ass off at a dead-end minimum wage job made less money than a priest who touched kids,” says Mikka.  “No, worse, a priest who the archdiocese KNEW touched kids, and didn’t turn over to the authorities.”

“So technically being a pedophile is more lucrative than working at McDonald’s,”  I say, doing some more math.   “Actually, it’s more lucrative than a lot of jobs out there.  If your job pays you $10 an hour and you work 40 hours a week for 52 weeks, you will have made only slightly more than a kid-touching priest in Milwaukee.”

“Actually that person probably still made less money than the priest because that settlement was probably tax-free because it came from a church,” says Mikka.  “Congratulations for hitting the pedophile payoff, padre!”

“It’s a golden parachute for priests, like when CEO’s fuck up the companies they run and then they get an assload of money to go away,” I say.  “Except in this Catholic parachute, there’s an emotionally-broken weeping child entangled within.”

“Now I know I have no trace of  faith, sentimental feeling, or sense of respect in or regarding the Catholic Church,” says Mikka, “but considering the free market decided that a pedophile priest should make more money in a year than most other working Americans, I also have lost all faith in the capitalist system.”

“In all actuality, you probably shouldn’t have had any faith in capitalism to begin with,” I say.  “But all those video games… they do make a pretty mirage.”

The world runs on lies, which I guess is one reason this blog exists.


If you quit, Jesus doesn’t give you a severance package

August 2, 2010

You may know Anne Rice as one of the earlier authors to make vampires less awesome.  You may not know, however, that she had converted from atheism to the Roman Catholicism of her youth around 1998 and declared in 2005 that she would stop writing vampire books and “write only for the Lord.”

Apparently now she’s done with Christianity, declaring on Facebook: “Today I quit being a Christian. I’m out. I remain committed to Christ as always but not to being “Christian” or to being part of Christianity. It’s simply impossible for me to “belong” to this quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous group. For ten years, I’ve tried. I’ve failed. I’m an outsider. My conscience will allow nothing else.”

Whether this means she’ll go back to writing books about vampires instead of her recent books about angels and Jesus is unknown, but it raises a question: can someone believe in Jesus Christ without calling themselves a Christian?

“I would say she’s an unaffiliated Christian, but a Christian nonetheless,”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp, my go-to person on spiritual matters.  “I’m sure there are smaller Christian groups that could accommodate her pro-gay, pro-feminist, pro-contraception, pro-science views.  Maybe the Universal Unitarians could welcome her, but she didn’t bother looking into them.”

“Yeah, it’s in the name,”  I say. “Christ.  Christianity.  I don’t think you can separate the two.”

“Maybe it’s like being a fan of a particular player on a team, but you hate that team,”  says Avonia.  “Maybe you can like Kobe Bryant without liking the Los Angeles Lakers.”

“But you can’t separate the man from the team,”  I say.  “No matter your personal distaste for the Lakers or Christianity, you are still supporting the organization you hate when you patronize the portion of it that you like.”

“I have to disagree,”  says Avonia.  “I love Anthony Hopkins and Gary Oldman as actors but Hannibal was a shitty movie.  Are you saying that because I like Hopkins and Oldman that I have to like Hannibal?”

“No, because they aren’t continuously performing Hannibal,”  I say.  “They do other movies and other roles.  Jesus, however, has one role, that of the Savior of the World, and he’s the default creator of Christianity itself.  The two are intertwined.”

“I guess you’re right,”  says Avonia.  “I mean if someone told me they worshiped Brigid but didn’t consider themselves a pagan, I’d give that person a funny look.  I mean, Brigid’s a pre-Christian Celtic goddess.  You can’t get more pagan than that.”

“Plus I’m not sure if a strongly-worded Facebook update is the proper procedure for leaving an organized religion,”  I say.  “I’m thinking it might have to go a little further than that.  Like you need to write a longer repudiation of your former religion or sect, maybe three or four healthy-sized paragraphs to fully distance yourself from your previous faith.  It’s more of a public proclamation of where you currently stand than a resignation letter, seeing how there’s really no one you can submit it to.”

“You’re saying organized religion needs a better human resources department?”  says Avonia.

“I’d just like clarification on how people can be a member of a faith without completely relying on just their say-so,”  I say.  “I could declare myself a Zorastrian, even though I’m not, just because I said it out loud.  If I didn’t qualify that last sentence, how could you know that I wasn’t really a Zorastrian?  All you have is my word, untrustworthy as it is.”

“Well, most Christian faiths hold that you become a Christian after baptism,”  says Avonia.  “For Judaism you have to take like a six-month study course, learn Hebrew, and be circumcised. ”

“And I think Islam just requires a beard and bad fashion sense,”  I say.  “But no faith is forthcoming about how to leave it.  Apparently Anne Rice thinks a Facebook posting is enough, and maybe it is.  Who knows until we get a ruling on this from the Vatican.”

“Well, Anne Rice could get officially booted from the Catholic Church if she helps someone obtain an abortion, like that nun in Phoenix did,”  says Avonia.  “Or she get herself ordained as a priest.  They excommunicate women for that too.  But that’s probably more effort than she wants to exert.”

“So how do people get out of Wicca?”  I say.

“I guess you just stop doing it, much like how you get out of any group that you don’t pay money to join,”  says Avonia.  “Like how I stopped being in the chess club in high school just by not showing up anymore.  Though I will say the fastest way to get kicked out of a coven is to pimp smack the taste out of a member’s mouth in front of everyone.  That doesn’t eject you from the faith, but it does make it easier for you to remove yourself from that circle of catty drama queens.”

I’m at the point where it’s just easier for everyone to call their faith by their own given name and just put -ism at the end of it.  Like Tag Larkinism, which is indeed the one true universal faith, except that only Tag Larkin has the capacity to follow it.

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