Posts Tagged ‘dating’

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Jane Austen couldn’t write a fight scene to save her life

February 22, 2013

It seems like I’ve had a constant cold for the past month or so, where just as one cold was ending the next one was beginning.  And as I’m in the downswing of my current bout with the cold virus, I’ve noticed I’ve let a few things get past me during this time.  One was the prediction my friend made after the Presidential election (briefly mentioned in this post) when she got mad at all her Obama-aligned Facebook colleagues who were celebrating:

By the end of December, the stock market will suffer a major crash as people pull their money out to beat the new taxes taking effect in 2013. Businesses who cannot afford to cover their employees with health insurance will immediately begin either cutting jobs entirely or dropping most of their employees down to part-time to avoid the heavy fines that will levied against them otherwise. Gas prices will spike back up above $4 a gallon, heading up to $5. Be prepared for this to happen – and I don’t expect to hear any complaints from those who are celebrating this evening.

Even spotting her an extra month, none of this happened. The Dow Jones, NASDAQ and S&P500 are all up over 6 percent since the election. Job numbers for December and January are up.  Gas still isn’t 4 bucks but the idea that oil companies would raise prices just because they have a sad that Obama got reelected is a golden idea, in that it pisses over the image of capitalists as rugged captains of industry and makes them look more like the awful human beings featured on MTV’s My Super Sweet Sixteen.  So let’s all remember this lesson: don’t make predictions when you’re angry.

We’re also behind on doing the blog award stuff for our friend Kate, who awarded us the Liebster Award that had been passed on to her.  Hopefully we’ll get to that this weekend, considering we’ve blown off pretty much every other one of these blog award things over the years.

What else got past us… oh, it was Valentine’s Day, which I spent coming down with flu-like symptoms and I tried fighting them with a steady stream of rum and cokes to unsatisfactory effects.  Usually we have something bitter for Valentine’s Day, so let’s make up for it with something dumb we saw over at FoxNews.com regarding love: “Four Things Jane Austen Teaches Us About Love:”

1. Play hard to get. Don’t be so aggressive. When women make themselves so available to men, the thrill of the chase is gone. The harder you are to “catch,” the more interesting you become.

“I don’t want to chase your dumb ass,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “I ain’t got time for that shit. You know who’s interesting? A bitch that doesn’t play bullshit games like this.  Thrill of the chase is lie. Ever see a high-speed police chase? Yeah, that shit is thrilling until ends, then that shirtless meth-head gets dragged out of his overturned pick-up truck and beaten retarded by six pissed-off cops.  Fuck the chase – give it up early or don’t give it up at all. Save all of us some time and misery.”

“Seeing the picture of the woman who wrote this article, her definition of interesting probably consists of what popped up on her Dilbert calendar that day,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “And considering her previous article written for FoxNews.com was titled “To Be Happy, We Must Admit That Women and Men Aren’t ‘Equal,” I’m pretty sure she doesn’t mind making less money than her male counterparts for writing dreck just as long as every now and then one of her male bosses pats her on the head and tells her she’s a good patriarchal tool.”

2. Wait for sex. I know it’s chic to think of yourself as a sex goddess. And maybe you are. But the truth is, if you present yourself this way to a man—in the way you dress and behave—he’ll respond in kind. If you want to be the one he brings home to mom, make him earn your love. And your body.

“If you’re truly a sex goddess, he will respond by worshiping your sensual form,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “She makes the phrase ‘earn your love’ sound like it’s something you do on a game show rather than through getting to know your partner in whatever ways you consent.”

“Why wouldn’t mom want you to bring home a sex goddess?” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Maybe mom wants to see her son happy with a decent looking woman rather than some dour frump who will suck the life out of him until he inevitably cheats on her with his secretary or puts a bullet in his brain to end the misery.”

3. Make your guy feel important. Sure, you’re self-sufficient. And he is, too. But everybody wants to feel valued. Men in particular. What’s wrong with letting him take care of things every once and a while? After all, why would he keep coming around if you give him the impression he has nothing to offer?

“Yeah, the male psyche can be fragile, but it can be easily repaired,” says Mikka.  “But you’re already trying to take sex out of the game, which is like playing hockey constantly shorthanded.  Yeah, you can do it, but you’d do so much better with a full complement of players on the ice.  Fuck him, feed him, let him watch the game, dress up like She-Ra ever now and again… it’s not hard to make a guy feel important.”

4. Put down your sword. Despite what you’ve heard, men don’t love b*tches. They like nice women. Strong and confident women, yes. But nice. They can go hand in hand. Really.

“Fuck you, my sword is awesome!”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Men love women with swords.  If you’re a woman and you can’t think of an accessory to pull your outfit together, pick up a sword and be a bad-ass.  Don’t see that in any dusty-vag Jane Austen novel, do ya?”

“I’m very nice, and my sword makes sure everything stays nice,” says Samurai Cathy.  “And though it pains me to echo the sentiments of my blood enemy – fuck you, my sword is awesome too!”

I believe one time I tried an online dating site and it asked me what kind of woman I was looking for, so I typed in “BITCHES WITH SWORDS!”  Surprisingly they wouldn’t let me keep that, but I fully stand by the sentiment: bitches with swords – those are the ladies I’m giving my attention to.  Oh, you studied Romantic Literature and crochet things on Etsy?  How nice.  See that woman over there?  She’s ready to fight the Kurgan from Highlander.  Enjoy your mojito. Swords are like boots, in that they can up a girl on the 10-point hotness meter by at least two points.  It’s worked for years on the covers of fantasy novels – I’m just bringing it out of Narnia and into the singles bar.

Jane Austen novels would have been a lot more readable if they had more bitches with swords in them.  I know I got halfway through Pride, Prejudice and Zombies before getting bored with it, which is a lot more than I was able to stomach of the original Pride & Prejudice in high school.

BITCHES WITH SWORDS!  That’s what 2013 should be the year of.

cathy smallnote

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They go between the legs of least resistance

May 26, 2012

There’s this article we came across recently called “Dumb Women: Do Men Find Them More Attractive.” We’ll save you some time and tell you that the answer is “yes,” but not for the academic and scientific-tested reasons the article gives (regarding their degrees of “exploitation“). We’re going to drop some unconventional wisdom on you that you can’t learn in a laboratory or other place of scientific repute.

“For men, the most attractive woman is the one you’re banging,” says Anonymous Doug, who has banged all manner of woman, from PhD holder to vegetable.  “And it’s too much work getting a smart girl into bed.  Intellectual stimulation?  Child, please.  In the time it takes to get a smart girl’s cerebral cortex revved up, that dumb girl has already finished blowing me behind the dumpster.”

Doug’s point has some validity to it.  There is some cognitive dissonance men have to deal with when they see a hot girl who wants nothing to do with them for whatever reason, and the man resolves this by designating her less attractive.  This also makes the dumb girl who is interested in the man more attractive in his mind because of opportunity, not actual attractiveness (or as Doug said, the hottest girl is the one you’re banging).

“It’s simple risk/reward management,” says Anonymous Doug.  “You do less work to get a dumb girl and get the same reward as you would if you spent all that extra effort attempting to nail a smart girl.  Now smart girl may be a better lay, but that lay ain’t guaranteed, unlike the dumb girl.  You go with the higher percentage play because it sure as hell beats getting no sex at all.”

As anyone who’s taken an acting class knows, characters have objectives, and identifying that objective is integral to playing that character well.  Now once you identify that objective, you then figure out everything that character will do to achieve that objective, and how they will justify their actions in regards to their objective.  Now when you’re objective is to get laid, you’ll justify thinking a girl is a 10 when she’s really only a 7 because she looks like it’s easier to plow her.  Conversely, men will downgrade women in terms of looks if she seems like it’s going to be a lot of work getting into her pants.

“And the best part is, it’s easy to do a fuck-and-duck on a dumb chick,” says Anonymous Doug.  “If I don’t want to see her again, I don’t.  It’s easy.  She’s a dumb chick.  What have I lost?  I can go get another one the next night.  Smart chicks, though, they make you think about them like they’re actual people, and then you gotta fight off feelings and shit.  Not that you can’t ditch a smart chick, it’s just harder.”

Emotions do tend to complicate things, especially when they conflict with the stated objective.  Balancing emotions and objectives is work, and as stated before about men trying to get laid we try to do the least amount of work as possible. It’s like water, except it’s fucking instead of flowing.

“But what doesn’t work at all is the dumb girl who thinks she smart,” says Anonymous Doug.  “Because she’s going to try to prove that to you, and it evaporates the mirage in our head’s about the dumb girl being more attractive.”

It should be noted that this is just for having sex with women, not being in a relationship with them (there’s a difference, and you know it), which the article also addresses:

They lost their luster entirely when the men were asked to rate these same women’s attractiveness as prospective girlfriends or wives. The possible evolutionary logic behind this interaction is fairly straightforward: In the latter case, the man would risk becoming the cuckoldee, not the cuckolder. (Of course you could also argue that men might rather marry a woman who looked like she could hold up her end of the conversation over French toast.)

“Like Ron White says, you can’t fix stupid,” says Anonymous Doug.  “If you’re going to spend any extended amount of time with a woman, she’d better have a brain in her damn head or else.  When you date a dumb girl, her stupidity does damage for two now. Even worse, the dumb rubs off on you because your brain operates on a lower level with her and it gets used to it.”

Doug is right.  I could not date a woman who wasn’t sharp of mind, but I’ll bang a dumb one for an evening.  And I’m willing to wager women have a similar disposition as well.  Yeah, they’d love to be in a relationship with a funny, intelligent guy but if time is short and you don’t feel like putting in the effort there’s usually a dumber dude available who will do just nicely.  High percentage plays with average sexual rewards… it’s more statistics than science, more game theory than genetics, and it answers more questions than it raises so it’s what we would call a sound theory.

So let’s not ask smart people to dumb it down, let’s make smart more approachable and accessible. I’m sure we can do that.  We’re smart!

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Second date: dinner. Third date: movies. Fourth date: mammogram screening

August 15, 2011

So we already dealt with Where Not to Take a Girl, now we turn our attention to its accompanying article “5 Dates No Guy Wants to Go on.”  And we’re letting Ninja Vicki and Avonia the Wiccan Pimp handle this, a strange duo to get dating advice from considering Avonia has been married for a number of years and Vicki hasn’t had a date in quite a while.

Hiking

Hiking is an activity many men look forward to with the same relish they take in reading Aristotle in the original Greek, receiving a prostate exam, or attending a Celine Dion concert. The way we see it, nature is way overrated.

“No, hiking is an activity that men see as an opportunity to make love with their woman outdoors,”  says Avonia, the nature-enthusiast.  “I’ve had covenmates who’ve started dating their partners because of hiking.  And then they go out hiking as an excuse to get head in the woods.  It’s great.”

“Guys don’t like being outdoors anymore?  I find that hard to believe,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Dude, it’s a cheap date.  Providing a few water bottles and some trail mix for a walk in the woods is way less expensive than going out to dinner.  Unless it’s Applebee’s or TGIFriday’s.”

The Opera

If we must do something cultural and uplifting, at least make it ballet where the women are in shape, wearing form-revealing clothing and moving their bodies in ways that cause us to imagine them with us in a variety of other non-dance situations.

“Um… if you’re on a date with a woman and you’re more interested in fantasizing about sexy time with ballerinas, I’m pretty sure the relationship is not going to last very long,”  says Ninja Vicki.

“Obviously this guy never heard of pussy debt,”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “You go to the opera with your woman, and then you can cash in that pussy debt for what my esteemed colleague who runs this site refers to as ‘fuck action’ later.  It’s basic pussy economics.”

Traveling Together

Men, however, view travel slightly differently. We even spell it differently. We spell it this way: t$r$a$v$e$l. We also view it as time away from our jobs. This will virtually guarantee that not only will a huge stack of work be waiting for us upon our return (and that our bosses will find out the business runs just fine without our being there), but we’ll no doubt come down with some exotic disease and need to be treated in a culture where doctors are still playing catch-up with the wonders of Medieval medicine.

“I don’t think agroraphobics should write dating columns,” says Avonia.  “Or at least they should preface their articles by declaring their anxiety disorder so that we know they have a skewed view of the dating world.”

“You know what’s cheaper than traveling?  HIKING!”  says Ninja Vicki.  “You know what kind of man women like?  One who doesn’t dumbly contradict himself halfway through his own article.”

Clothes Shopping

This is how men view clothes shopping: You get to follow your sweetie from store to store with the added bonus of holding her purse as she tries on one dress, blouse, or pair of shoes after another while you struggle to convince her that each garment does not, in fact, make her butt look big.

“Again, this author does not understand the concept of pussy debt,”  says Avonia.  “You do this for her, she does something else for you.  That’s what relationships are about.  How does someone write dating articles and not understand that basic fact?”

“Who considers clothes shopping a date?”  says Ninja Vicki.  “If I go to the supermarket with a guy to pick up stuff for dinner, is that considered a date to the supermarket?  If a guy gives me a ride to and from the dentist because I need to get put under to remove my wisdom teeth, is that considered a date to the dentist?   Sometimes you have shit to do and you bring someone along. That’s not a date.”

Relationship Workshops

Naturally, we men are going to want to avoid the mistakes we made in our past relationships and we’re not averse to keeping our current romantic relationship as perfectly tuned up as our cars. But that doesn’t mean we welcome the prospect of attending the “Enhancing Couples’ Intimacy Workshop” or “The Two of You: Closer than Ever! Seminar” to which you’re so determined to drag us.

“These sound like things you go to when you’re married, not when you’re dating,”  says Avonia.  “And that doesn’t even sound like a date either.  It sounds more like an intervention.  That’s what he should have listed: don’t take your date to an intervention.  No one gets a hook-up after watching a bunch of people try to convince someone they need help.”

“Yeah, that’s not a date, it’s either an admission of failure on the woman’s part or a pointed accusation toward the man,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “I don’t think problems in relationships should be regarded in the same way as home repair classes at the Home Depot.  But how common is this date that it required some jackass on the Internet to write about it?”

What have we learned?  You should only take dating advice from us.

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Why yes, I take all my first dates to a cockfight…

August 14, 2011

Relationships.  We remember what they were like.  But to keep that memory fresh we read up on relationship columns on the Internet.  Well, mainly ones other people find then post to their Facebook page and then we see them and destroy them, like this article last May about “31 Things I Wish I Knew About Dating When I Was 21” written by a broken and barely functioning 31-year-old woman.  The article was so hideously wretched, it took us two parts to properly dissect it.

Our latest victim is an article titled: “Don’t Take a Woman Here!”  And no it’s not about Saudi Arabia either.  It’s five places to not take a woman on a date.  Let’s go through them with the help of  relationship experts Anonymous Doug and Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.

Sports-Themed Places

Likewise, we don’t want to feel ignored by our date because he’s watching his favorite team or can’t hear us because of that old 50 Cent song blaring from the speaker by our heads. The Buffalo wings are pretty much the best part of this experience, and they better be freakin’ outstanding.

“No, you take her there once, then you see if she ever wants to come back,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “If she does, then she’s into sports and she’s cool.  If she’s not, you now have a place to escape to when her clingy ass gets too annoying.  You just say ‘I’m going down to the sports bar’ and she won’t follow you.”

“Hey, boring-ass non-sports-loving lady writer, when it comes between a man’s love for you and his love for the New York Yankees, just remember that the Yankees have been in his life a lot longer than you have,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “And even better, the Yankees don’t get all bitchy jealous if he doesn’t pay attention to them.”

Theme Parks

We know you’re eager to be the manly man as we clench your arm in terror while spinning upside down in a quadruple loop. It’s just that some of us are not aching to toss our cookies in the bushes next to the churros stand while you watch.

“Quadruple-looping coasters are awesome,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “If a girl’s too fragile for a roller coaster, how is she going to fare when I strap her into the harness over my bed?”

“Is there any joy in this woman’s life?”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “My wife would love a date to a theme park, but I’m not tall enough to ride any of the rides.  Apparently rollercoasters are not made for cats.”

Chain Restaurants

Fast-food joints obviously rank as the worst dinner choices, but corporate restaurants (oh, don’t make me name names… you know the ones I mean!) also lack originality and thoughtfulness. As a general rule, don’t take us to a place where we know what we’re going to order before we walk in. We’d rather be taken somewhere off the beaten path — where there are candles instead of fluorescent lights and we don’t have to listen to Top 40 songs blaring from a speaker overhead.

“Then bitch we’re going dutch because I cannot afford to take your picky ass out to eat at whatever overpriced bistro or ristorante trattoria you see on the street,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “I make shit for money at whatever my job happens to be that week.  I’m eating at Applebee’s because that’s what I can afford, ya gold-digging harpy.  That and it’s half-off appetizers after 10pm.”

“Yeah, you can’t do  a lot of menu damage to a guy’s wallet at Chili’s,”  says Bernie.  “What’s the most expensive item on that menu?  Just order a few of those margaritas the size of your head and get over yourself.”

Gross-Out Comedies

Men and women have different senses of humor. Various studies have proven this, so try to respect this biological fact and refrain from making us indulge your Three Stooges sensibility for two hours. Your buddies may laugh, but we’ll simply be rolling our eyes.

“You know how some people say that women can’t be funny, it’s because of this broad,”  says Doug.  “She’s ruining it for all the other broads out there who can appreciate quality stuff, like The Three Stooges.”

“I don’t think there is a biological factor to this woman not liking Jackass or Borat,”  says Bernie.  “I think she’s so far up her own ass she can’t  see or hear why they are funny.”

Paintball

We know you might have an urgent need to explore your inner hunter, but we’re gatherers — and those little pellets sting and leave bruises. Being shot by your date isn’t fodder for a romantic afternoon; it’s warfare.

“That’s why you play on the same team, dumb-ass,”  says Doug.  “You shoot the other team, capture the flag, win the game, and then you go home and have a victory fuck.  That’s an awesome date.”

“Paintball is a test to see how you will fare under pressure when the zombie apocalypse hits,”  says Bernie.  “Because if you’re going to repopulate the Earth with us, you’re going to have to survive the initial outbreak and undead rush.
Meeting Your Mother

Sure, she might make the best fried chicken or pasta primavera on the planet, but her long, loving gaze might make us feel less like family and more like we’re on the wrong end of a long microscope — especially if you take us to meet her on the second or third date.

“Considering more and more people are having to move back in with their parents because of the shitty economy, this one’s going to be a little hard to avoid,” says Anonymous Doug.  “But she does have a point that it is kinda creepy if you do it early in the relationship.”

“There’s a reason guys bring home their girlfriends to meet their mom: it’s so mom will shut the shit up about when we’re going to let her meet you,”  says Bernie.  “In fact, more times than not if a guy is doing something un-guylike, it’s probably so we don’t have to hear some woman complaining.”

Don’t worry, ladies.  There’s another article about where not to take a guy too that we’ll eviscerate soon enough.


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Our relationship depends on you throwing your dreams away and making less money than I do

December 6, 2010

This recent article in the New York Times got our attention just as many articles of the New York Times do: with how inane it is.  Even its title feels like a jarring slap to the intellect: “Keeping Romance Alive in the Age of Female Empowerment.”  Apparently men have issues when their women make more money than them and have more successful careers, as seen in this later part of the article.

Bernard Prieur, a psychoanalyst and author of “Money in Couples,” says men who earn less than their partners struggle with two insecurities: “They feel socially and personally vulnerable. Socially, they go against millennia of beliefs and stereotypes that see them as the breadwinner. And the success of their partner also often gives them a feeling of personal failure,” Mr. Prieur said in the November issue of the French magazine Marie-Claire.

The author of this piece, after using an obligatory Sex and the City example to introduce her exploration of modern relationships, opens the article with this question:  “Is female empowerment killing romance?”

That made the women of the group almost spit up their happy hour cocktails.

“Yes, that’s the pressing question, isn’t it?”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp, who does make more money at pimping than her husband Arawn does at running their local Wiccan shop.  “Not whether centuries of traditions and gender expectations are outdated and irrelevant, but whether women having the same opportunities and success that men have enjoyed since the dawn of humanity is the real culprit behind the supposed decline of romance.”

“Oh, and this dreck was written by a woman too,”  says Tina the Lesbian, shaking her head.  “Damn you Lance Patriarchy and your devious methods of getting women to work against their own best interests on such a regular basis!”

This particular quote gets Ninja Vicki’s metaphorical goat (though we suspect she probably stole the metaphorical goat from someone)…

“It is amazing how even many liberal-minded men end up having sexual and emotional difficulties being with more obviously successful women,” said Sasha Havlicek, the 35-year-old chief executive of a London research group. A high-flying friend of hers resorted to ritually feigning helplessness with her partner to promote his sense of masculinity.

“Maybe it’s because I’m a ninja, but feigning helplessness to boost someone’s fragile ego sounds really insulting,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “If I’m feigning helplessness, it’s because I’m laying a trap not because I want some guy who can’t handle making less money than me not to feel bad about not meeting some outdated expectation of masculinity.”

“Hey, maybe this article has a point,”  says Samurai Cathy.  “Ninja Vicki is a successful thief and murderer, maybe that’s the real reason she doesn’t get dates and not because she’s an awful human being with more personal issues than Beverly Hills 90210, Dawson’s Creek, Felicity, Party of Five, and My So Called Life merging together to create some sort of Weepy Drama Voltron.”

“Bitch, I will fucking cut you!”

As Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy take their ensuing screaming match and inevitable sword fight outside the bar, we see what the men of Renal Failure think of the article.

“Samurai Cathy makes more than me,”  says Mikka.  “And I’m cool with that, mainly because pretty much everyone makes more than me in their jobs.  I’d need to date an entry-level crack whore to find a woman who makes less money than me.”

“Hell, I like it when a broad makes more than me,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “It means she’s got nicer stuff and can pay for her own damn dinner.  Also it probably means she’s on some really good birth control so I can stop wasting money on condoms and get back to fucking like we used to do in the 1970’s before AIDS scared the shit out of everyone.”

“Cats don’t have this issue, thus proving we are the superior creature,”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  He makes more than his wife Marlie, who is a stay-at-home drunk.  “These men aren’t upset that their woman makes more than them, they’re upset at what other people think about it and they take it out on the person who had nothing to do with it, the successful woman in question.  If something is bothering a cat, they go to the source of their problem and take care of it.  Cats don’t do this transference bullshit.”

“No one is more successful than Tag Larkin,”  says Tag Larkin.  We try to point out that many people make more money at their jobs than the 8.85 an hour he makes at Chickensian Dystopia, but Tag Larkin will have none of it.  “Tag Larkin has redefined success, among other terms.  Like ‘compromise’ and ‘tactful’ and ‘felonious assault.'”

“Maybe it’s not that men are necessarily turned off by successful women but it’s more that we don’t even think we have a shot at a woman if she makes more than we do,”  I say.  “Like the Sex and the City example she gives is Miranda saying she’s a stewardess instead of a lawyer and the dude she’s dating saying he’s a doctor instead of a guy who’s a shoe salesman.  Maybe that’s what should have been the focus: do successful women date men who are not nearly as successful or do they only want men who make as much or more than them?  It’s certainly a more interesting focal point than ‘Is female empowerment killing romance?’ whether the point is true or not.'”

And apparently by the time I make my statement the cops are pulling into the parking lot to break up Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy’s fight.  Well, mainly they’re just asking Cathy why she’s in a parking lot with a sword because like a good ninja Vicki is not there; she disappeared as soon as she heard the sirens.  Luckily Cathy won’t be getting arrested because she has a carry permit for her sword.  There’s a female cop out on the scene.  Maybe I should ask her if she would date a man who made less money than her… but I don’t want to get tased so early in the week.

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Tag Larkin Turns The Wheel of the Year

August 3, 2010

As a late Lammas present to all our pagan readers, we present this thing we found on the tubes…

You know who’s interested in dating a Wiccan?  Think for a moment. Do you have it?

That’s right.  Tag Larkin.

Not because Tag Larkin has an interest in pre-Christian worship or a desire to return to nature, but because of the high priestess’s claim in the video that  if you’re lucky enough to date a Wiccan that afterward “the rest of the world will seem rather mundane by comparison.”

“Tag Larkin challenges the claim of this Wiccan!”  says Tag Larkin, throwing down the gauntlet, or in this case an expensive decorative serving bowl in a Sonoma-Williams, shattering it into tiny bits. “The rest of the world is mundane when placed next to Tag Larkin.  Flowers?  The miracle of birth?  Atomic power?  All boring next to the man you know as Tag Larkin. Tag Larkin once pulled a bouquet of roses from a woman’s vagina and then used the roses to blow up a Japanese city!”

So after Tag Larkin was ejected from the kitchenwares store, he went out looking for a Wiccan to test the claim that “once you date a witch, you never switch.”  But the only Wiccan he knows, or could be bothered to find, is our very own Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.

“Tag Larkin is on a date with you right now,”  Tag Larkin says to Avonia, who is watching the sunset in the park whilst sitting on a bench and sipping on a green tea frappaccino.

“No, I don’t think we are,”  says Avonia.  “We’ve been over this, I’m married.”

“Marriage doesn’t exist in science,”  says Tag Larkin.  “And Tag Larkin is dating you for science.”

“Is this the good science that gives us velcro and artificial hearts, or the bad science that gives us nerve gas and hymen reconstructive surgery?”  says Avonia.

“This is Tag Larkin science,” says Tag Larkin.  “And Tag Larkin is out to test the hypothesis of a High Priestess that after dating a Wiccan the rest of the world, and by proxy Tag Larkin, seems mundane.”

“So you want to date a Wiccan to see if the experience renders you normal and commonplace?”   Avonia says. “I don’t think I want any part of this.”

“But Tag Larkin has studied what Wiccans like on dates,”  says Tag Larkin.  “Tag Larkin watched the video twice and made Tag Larkin’s intern take notes.  And though Tag Larkin cannot go to the Renaissance Fair because of a tragic jousting incident still being litigated, Tag Larkin can take you for a walk in the woods.”

“Tag, I’m going to have to say sorry, but no,”  says Avonia.

“But Tag Larkin brought bikes and the moon with him,” says Tag Larkin.  “Tag Larkin also has a full gasoline can in the trunk of his car so you can dance by the fire of a burning Sonoma-Williams store that doesn’t appreciate how Tag Larkin stress-tests its merchandise.”

“Wiccans as a general rule tend to not find arson very arousing,”  says Avonia.

“So then we had better skip right to the sex,”  says Tag Larkin.  “Because when Tag Larkin bangs a witch, all she’ll do afterwards is twitch.”

“You know what, you’re right and the High Priestess is wrong,”  says Avonia.  “She should have said that the rest of the world, except for Tag Larkin, will seem more mundane after dating a Wiccan.  It was an error on her part and as a representative of the Wiccan community I present to you a humble apology for such a glaring oversight.”

“Tag Larkin is victorious yet again!”  says Tag Larkin, throwing a pair of triumphant fists into the air.  “Tag Larkin demands restitution!  Sexy restitution.   The kind that can be awarded in the backseat of Tag Larkin’s car.”

“How about I give you a free blowjob coupon for any of my hookers and we call it even, okay?”  says Avonia.

A win over mundanity and free oral sex from a busty Brazilian whore?  Only Tag Larkin could achieve such a high level of victory in such a short period of time.  Now you know that once you spend any time with Tag Larkin, the rest of the world becomes woefully inadequate and dull.  But if Tag Larkin is unavailable, say if he’s getting a hummer in the backseat of his car at the time, then try that dating a Wiccan thing, see if that works out.

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