Posts Tagged ‘dolphins’


Did Flipper fire six shots or only five?

March 15, 2013

You should be a regular Renal reader, and if you are then you’d know that dolphins will rape the shit out of you.  And if you aren’t a regular Renal reader then you wouldn’t know that until Ecco the Rapist grabs you with his prehensile penis and drags you down into his dolphin rape cave. But now the dolphins have upped their rape game…

Three of five dolphins taught by the Ukrainian navy to attack enemy combatants are reported missing after failing to return to a Crimean port following a training exercise earlier this month, the local media reports. The dolphins are believed to be out chasing tails.

Okay, not the first time we’ve heard about the military using dolphins.  The US has been using them to detect mines in the ocean. Why are these dolphins different?

But last year, RIA Novosti reported, the Ukrainian Navy restarted the program, training the dolphins to attack enemies with knives and guns attached to their heads. Photos showing the military-trained dolphins have frequently appeared in the Ukrainian press, but the country’s defense department has consistently denied the reports.

“We’re arming dolphins???”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat, who is a weaponized feline.  “Why would you give something with a prehensile penis a gun?  This is unacceptable, arming seafood like this, and I will not stand for it!  Fetch me my harpoon gun attachment!”

“So not only will dolphins rape you, they will now rape you at knife point,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Great, now SeaWorld’s going to need a Special Victims Unit.”

“Armed dolphins on the loose, looking for female dolphins to mate with,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Sounds like some crazy B-movie.  Sex-Crazed Military Dolphins From the Ukraine – a watery romp of violence and animal passion.  A perfect Russ Meyer vehicle.”

And interesting note in the story…

“Control over dolphins was quite common in the 1980’s,” Yury Plyachenko, a former Soviet naval anti-sabotage officer, told RIA Novosti, a Russian news source. “If a male dolphin saw a female dolphin during the mating season, then he would immediately set off after her. But they came back in a week or so.”

“At least these dolphins have their priorities straight,” says Anonymous Doug.  “I’ve ditched work a few time to go fuck a chick.  That’s a much better use of my day and I’m glad there’s a mammal that agrees with me.  In fact, tomorrow I think I’ll call out horny to work in tribute to our Ukrainian dolphin friends.”

“So the male dolphin mates with the female dolphin then tells her, ‘Hey baby, that was fun but I gotta get to work,'” says Mikka.  “Then swims on back to the humans like he wasn’t gone.  Dolphins are fucking smooth – except for all the raping they do.”

“So why doesn’t the Ukraine use female dolphins as part of their killer dolphin program?”says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “They don’t say that female dolphins just up and leave when they spot a male dolphin go by.  Perhaps female dolphins don’t like knives and guns like the males do.”

“Do the weapons help the dolphin score a mate?” asks Samurai Cathy.  “Does the male dolphin swim up to the female and say ‘Hey baby, I’ve mastered the use of weapons, does that get you hot?’  Does that line work?  Because it would work on me if I were a dolphin.”

We heard about this story on the same day word got to us about the dolphin that’s swimming around in the East River in New York.  This particular dolphin hasn’t sexually assaulted anyone yet, nor is it armed like his horny Ukranian brethren, but we must stay vigilant against the dolphin menace. And also I enjoy saying “dolphin rape cave.”



Maybe if you weren’t wearing such a tight wetsuit…

December 13, 2011

“Did you know that dolphins have prehensile penises?”  I say.

“So they can like grab stuff with their dicks?”  says Anonymous Doug.

“Yeah, just like a prehensile tail, except it’s your penis,” I say.

“I don’t know if I’d grab things with my dick if I could,” says Anonymous Doug.  “I was thinking maybe I could hold a beer with my dick while keeping my hands free to do other stuff, but then I remembered beer is cold and that might cause me not to have as much dick slack as before and drop the beer. Now I’m just standing there with a spilled beer on the floor and my cold-shrinked cock exposed exposed for all to see.  That’s no fun.”

“So you never heard about dolphins having prehensile penises?”  I say.

“No, I have not.”

“Okay,” I say.  “So have you heard about dolphin rape caves?”

“Is that a new Sea World attraction?”  says Anonymous Doug.

“Maybe after hours at the park,”  I say.  “Apparently male dolphins have been known to grab people with their prehensile penises, drag them under water to these special caves, and rape the shit out of them.”

“I have heard about dolphins getting all rapey and stuff,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “That’s why women on their periods aren’t allowed to swim with the dolphins at resorts.  But I didn’t know dolphins had their own rape cave.  That’s surprising.”

“Yeah, I mean, I know dolphins and humans are the only species who have sex for pleasure,” I say.  “So I could kind of see dolphins being into rape.  But dolphin rape caves?  Did not see that coming at all.”

“Well it’s an important piece of evidence to use against people who don’t believe in evolution,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Are you going to tell me God intelligently designed dolphins to have rape caves?  Thank you Lord!  In your infinite wisdom, you have blessed us with caves where dolphins rape people, and for that we are humbly grateful.”

“I mean, I’ve seen animals try to rape people before, but dolphins just seem evil about it,”  I say.  “I’m no longer mad at Japan for turning their rivers red with slaughtered dolphins.  It seems like self-defense now.”

“Yeah, at least humans will try to make excuses for their raping, or at least be sneaky about it,” says Anonymous Doug.  “Dolphins don’t get you drunk, or slip you roofies, or blame it on you being scantily clad and sexy-looking.  They just grab you with their cocks and drag you to the rape cave.”

“Do you think anyone would be in a rock band or improv group called ‘Dolphin Rape Cave?'”  I say.

“Hmm… catchy name but it’s going to take a special kind of person to willingly want to perform under that name,” says Anonymous Doug.  “Which could either be a bad thing or an awesome thing, depending.”

Whatever the case, it certainly validates my policy of not going into the water.  How many years away are we from the dolphins figuring out how to use their prehensile penis to walk on land to find more rape victims?  Evolution is a nasty motherfucker.

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