Posts Tagged ‘fashion’

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It also helps if you’re a size four and have lots of disposible income

June 20, 2011

So Redbook had this recent tidbit called “5 Outfits Guys Secretly Hope You’ll Wear,” and seeing how I wasn’t consulted on the matter I decided to check their work, with some help from the other guys I know who also weren’t consulted by the Redbook people.  And we decided to do this while drinking heavily.

First one they list: Unbaggy sweats and a touch-me tee.

“They make unbaggy sweatpants?”  says Mikka, who dates Samurai Cathy who is always in one of them samurai kimonos with a couple blades by her side.  With that in mind and his previous fandom of anime, we fully admit that his opinion may be a little off..  “They must be expensive because I’ve never seen a girl wear a flattering pair of sweatpants.  Especially if it has something stupid printed across the ass like Juicy or Hottie or Your Ad Here.”

And indeed unbaggy sweatpants are expensive because the pictured model in the Redbook article is wearing a pair listed at $49.50.  And they don’t do anything special either, like wick the moisture from your sweaty vagina or anything like that. Under Armor should get on that.

“And the touch-me tee is really just the off-the-shoulder look from Flashdance,”  says Anonymous Doug, whose only interest in women’s fashion is so he can spot the girls in the bar with the lowest self-esteem because they’re easy to bang .  “Just go the full-nine and get the legwarmers and the leotard, just as long as you don’t violate the weight limit for the leotard.  You can actually hear the spandex begging for death when you fit 100 pounds of ass in a 50-pound one-piece.”

“I think the sweatpants were chosen for easy access,”  I say.  “Get your pinky a bit stinky, as it were.  Hell, shove both arms down there.  Shit, I’ve seen some sweatpants that will let a whole other person climb in there.”

We’ll skip the second item on the Redbook list, Simply Sexy Dresses, because of the lack of description and imagination and go straight to the third item: Jeans and a white tank.

“Yeah, that’s pretty much the big fashion test for a woman,”  says Mikka,  “Can she rock a white top and jeans?  If she can’t, there’s a good chance she’s not going to look good in anything.  Even nothing.”

“Remember to wear a belt,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Because that belt buckle is like a door knocker to the cooter.  A welcoming door knocker, not one of those scary ones at some gothic haunted house.”

“And don’t wear fucking flip-flops with your jeans,”  I say.  “It’s not sassy.  It’s an admission that you don’t know how to dress yourself.  Your pedicure sucks. Wear some damn shoes.”

After another round of drinks that we probably shouldn’t have had, we moved on to the next item that Redbook’s cadre of male opinionators has listed: “A pencil skirt and classic heels,” which the article translates into “sexy librarian.”

“I haven’t been in many libraries in my time, but I’m pretty sure the sexy librarian is about as real as Wonder Woman,”  says Mikka.  “Sexy office professional I’ll buy, but sexy librarian?  They’re just making that up.”

“I don’t think some of the girls I banged could pull off a pencil skirt,”  says Anonymous Doug with a regretful sigh.  “Maybe one of those fat Sharpie Magic Marker skirts.  Sometimes Last Call doesn’t work out so well, fellas…”

“Just no pantyhose with the dress,okay?”  I say.  “Pantyhose is just silly.  And they’re hard to get down when you have to use the bathroom.”

After receiving odd stares from my colleagues, I inform them that it was in the context of a Halloween party when I had a slimmer, more girlish figure.  And I was not going to shave my legs.  I buy the next round of drinks.

And the last item on the Redbook list is “pretty undies,” which we think is a cop-out.

“Yeah, I thought this was just about things women would wear in public,”  says Mikka.  “If that was the case, forget all the other items.  Here’s your Top Five Fantasy Outfit List: kinky Catholic schoolgirl, French maid, Wonder Woman, sexy cheerleader, and naughty nurse with an honorable mention to the samurai kimono my current girlfriend wears.   Happy shopping ladies.”

Note: Because we are consistent bastards, we would like to point out that Top Five Fantasy List is the exact same list from this post almost two years ago, save for the honorable mention. 

“All hot bras and panties are to guys is a nice-looking obstacle to the promised land,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Hey, nice lace bra.  They’re separating me from your tits.  Ditch the fancy nipple covers, put on the dog collar and ballgag and let’s get to work, all right?  The sun’s coming up soon and I don’t want to see what you look like in the daylight.”

“When it doubt, ladies, go with boots,”  I say.  “They go pretty much with anything.  It’s a high-percentage play.  Do the math.”

So we give the article a passing “C” on the strength of getting the jeans/white shirt combo right.  But we want to see a better effort next time, Redbook.  We don’t tolerate average-ness here at the Failure.

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Fashion is for the Phallus

August 30, 2010

I’m having many, many drinks with Tina the Lesbian the other day on my front porch and we got to talking about stereotypes and Tina brought up a salient point…

“Why is it that gay men are stereotyped to be so fashionable while lesbians get subjected to stereotypes regarding how poorly we supposedly dress?”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“Well, I think it has to with cock,”  I say.

“But heterosexual men have cocks and they dress for shit,”  says Tina the Lesbian. “Heterosexual women dress much better. They wear all the fashion show clothes.”

“I’m not talking about having a cock,”  I say.  “I’m talking about desiring cock.  You have to dress up for cock.”

“Why do gay men and straight women have to dress up for cock?”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Why don’t lesbians and straight guys have to dress up for vagina?”

“It probably has something to do with erections,”  I say.  “You need to coax the cock to rise up and play.  The vagina’s just there.”

“It is not just there,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “You have to prime that pump too.”

“Yeah, but as far as I know there are no embarrassing stories from high school about girls going up to the blackboard with moist pussies,”  I say.  “But pretty much every guy has a story about having an obviously visible erection at an inopportune time.  You could be sopping wet right now and I’d have no idea – ‘cept maybe the smell depending on your personal bacteria levels – yet you’d readily know if I was packing wood.”

“But if men get aroused so easily, why would gay men and straight women need to dress up for cock?”  Tina says.

“For the same reason you throw money into the cup of a street performer,”  I say.  “It’s a show.  It’s a spectacle.  And you appreciate it.  This limp fleshy thing on my crotch gets engorged with blood and rises in size and rigidity pretty much involuntarily.  And if you rub it the right way long enough it spits out sticky goo.  What other body part does that?  Where else are you going to see that?  It’s like the Broadway of anatomy, and you get dressed up to see a Broadway show.”

“So vagina is off-Broadway?”  says Tina.  “I guess the miracle of child birth is too raw for the bright lights, big city crowd.”

“Well, the dress code is certainly more relaxed for pussy, that’s for sure,”  I say.   “But back to the clothing… women drop insane coin for Manolos or Kate Spade or whatever shoes they push on Sex and the City.  You think Tag Larkin paid over a hundred bucks for his shoes?  The man shops for clothes at Sears because he won’t buy clothes any place where he can’t also buy things that can be used as weapons, like circular saws or tire irons.   And I don’t think he pays for his merchandise half the time.  But he gets pussy nonetheless.”

“Hmm… Mikka wears hockey jerseys and retro video game shirts, and he gets laid by Samurai Cathy…”  Tina the Lesbian muses.

“Meanwhile here you are in khaki cargo shorts that hang past your knees, a pair of water sandals, and a faded and frayed Lilith Fair tanktop from 1999,” I say.  “You are obviously not looking for cock dressed like that, but you’ve got the notion you can get some poontang looking like that.”

“I think Lance Patriarchy is to blame for all this,”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“Oh, of course,”  I say.  “Who else but the embodiment of male oppression would engineer the need to dress up for cock while vag is relegated to Casual Fridays?”

“So how do we get people to dress up for pussy?”  Tina says.

“Why would I want to help you make the quest for pussy harder for me?”  I say.  “I have enough problems getting some as it is.  If equality is going to make it harder for me to get laid, then I’m not helping.”

“All right, how about we get people not to dress up for cock?”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with devaluing cock like that,”  I say. “Why would I want the price of a stock I personally and physically own to go down?  I can’t have you ruining my crotch portfolio.”

“Well, then you’re no damn help at all,”  says Tina.

“And I never claimed to be,”  I say.

Another couple pitchers of Tom Collins and we get to drafting a proposal to make speed metal the new stereotype music of choice for lesbians to replace that acoustic folksy crap they’re usually lumped into listening to.  Unfortunately we got so drunk that we wrote the draft in a code that we promptly forgot.  Well, sometimes you change the world, other times you don’t.  Better luck tomorrow.

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