Posts Tagged ‘FOXNews’


You’re not so much jumping to conclusions as you are huffing paint and stumbling onto them

December 16, 2012

The most cogent and needed advice is always the most unheeded because it is not profitable…

One of my friends recently stated (and I’ll paraphrase here) that it’s a fucked world when someone asks “Did you hear about the shooting?” and the first thing you reply with is “Which one?”

After the primary tragedy – in this case, the school shooting in Newtown, CT – comes the secondary tragedies of the event wherein people draw the absolute wrong conclusions from the primary tragedy.

The biggest of these wrong conclusions is that if only someone else at the school had a gun and they had gone all Bruce Willis on the shooter, which is a dumb idea and is even dumber coming out of the mouth of an elected official – Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX):

“You know, having been and judge and having reviewed photographs of these horrific scenes and knowing that children have these defensive wounds — gunshots through their arms and hands as they try to protect themselves — and hearing the heroic stories the principal, lunging trying to protect — Chris, I wish to God she had had an M4 in her office locked up. So, when she heard gunfire she pulls it out and she didn’t have to lunge heroically with nothing in her hands, but she takes him out, takes his head off before he can kill those precious kids.

“Because headshots are so easy to score in the midst of a nerve-wracking life-or-death situation…”  says Tina the Lesbian, shaking her head.  “He sounds like one of those idiots after 9/11 bragging that he’d never let some Arab with a box-cutter take him out, and he would have totally saved the plane singlehandedly too.  And if he had a time machine, he totally would have kicked Hitler in his ball and stopped the Holocaust.”

“Well, the mother of the shooter had guns in her house and they didn’t do her a bit of good,” says Anonymous Doug, referring to the shooter’s first victim (from this ABCNews story – the shooter killed her then took her car and at least three of her guns to the school).  “What’s the honorable goober from Texas’s wish about her?  If only she slept with a gun under her pillow? If only she had a gun glued to her hand for just such a deadly occasion?  If only she had been made out of guns?”

“The congressman obviously didn’t heed any of the lessons of the shootings in Tucson where his colleague Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords got shot in the head,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “One of the guys who helped subdue the gunman had his own gun on him, and he almost drew his weapon and shot the guy who had wrestled the gun away from the shooter.  He said he was lucky he didn’t draw his gun, especially since then he may have been confused by others as the shooter.  He could have shot the wrong person and then have gotten shot himself.  When chaos happens, do not add to it.”

From there, the wrong conclusions depart from the tangible facts of the shooting, looping into other topics that people advocate for.  For example, former Arkansas Governor/current FOXNews personality/person who says horrible things but in a kind voice to sound reasonable Mike Huckabee opined on television:

We ask why there is violence in our schools but we have systematically removed God from our schools. Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage? Because we’ve made it a place where we don’t want to talk about eternity, life, what responsibility means, accountability — that we’re not just going to have be accountable to the police if they catch us, but one day we stand before, you know, a holy God in judgment. If we don’t believe that, then we don’t fear that. And so I sometimes, when people say, why did God let it happen. You know, God wasn’t armed. He didn’t go to the school. But God will be there in the form of a lot people with hugs and with therapy and a whole lot of ways in which I think he will be involved in the aftermath. Maybe we ought to let him in on the front end and we wouldn’t have to call him to show up when it’s all said and done at the back end.

“So because you can’t force the Jewish kids in public schools to say Christian prayers, we have massive shootings?” says Ninja Vicki. “Everyone wants God in their schools as long as it’s theirs. If a public school held Muslim prayer time, Huckabee would go fuck-all nuts about it.”

“So the ‘wrong God’ rule is why those people at the Sikh temple in Wisconsin or the Unitarian Universalist church in Tennessee got shot,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Only the real deal Christian God who passes the Pepsi Challenge can protect you from being gunned down.”

“Yes, God was not armed, BECAUSE HE IS FUCKING GOD!”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “God didn’t have to go to the school BECAUSE GOD IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING EVERYWHERE!  Why is it I know more about God than this fuckstain when I’m supposed to be hellbound?”

The third wrong conclusion drawn from this is that the tragedy occurred because of video games, a view espoused by this genius on FoxNews – Lt. Col. Dave Grossman:

What you saw in Newtown is just the beginning! This is a sick, sick culture feeding sick movies and sick video games creating very, very sick kids!


…We have raised a generation of children who have learned to kill and learned to like it. When we get a sick kid in past years, they were chewing gum and talking out in class. Now we create a sick kid and they’re gonna come kill you. If you’re the parents who let your kids play these sick games, the blood is on your hands and, by the way, you might be the first one to die.

“If first-person shooter games like Doom and Quake and Mass Effect can train me to be a cold-hearted gunman, then why hasn’t my 25 years of playing Street Fighter transformed me into an unstoppable martial arts machine?” says Mikka.  “Oh right, because that’s not how the universe works when it comes to acquiring skills and talents.  Dungeons and Dragons didn’t turn anyone into a goblin-cleaving warrior and Tecmo Bowl didn’t turn me into Joe Montana either.”

“Wait, this guy is a member of the US Military, right?” says Samurai Cathy.  “If video games teach people how to become stone-cold killers, then why are there no XBoxes or Playstations at boot camp?  Eight weeks of physical training, eight weeks of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, then off you go to defend our nation.  If anything this guy said had any basis in reality, we could end the amorphous War on Terror with a battalion of top Halo players.”

“To be fair, all the good video game players in the military are probably piloting our drones,” says Anonymous Doug.  “The controls are choppy and you only get one life, but instead of having a high score you can get money for college through the G.I. Bill.”

There are plenty of other wrong conclusions being drawn from this latest mass shooting, but sometimes there’s just too much bullshit to sort out and you have to prioritize what needs mocking.



This hoodie attracts bullets

March 23, 2012

We’ve been keeping a close eye on the Trayvon Martin killing in Florida, in which a hyper-paranoid neighborhood watch lunatic decided that a 17-year old black kid walking to his dad’s house whilst carrying an iced tea and a bag of Skittles was such a threat that, by the power vested in by the voices in his head, he just had to confront this kid and ultimately shoot him to death.  Why this George Zimmerman guy is not in jail can be attributed to the “Stand Your Ground” law in Florida which pretty much allows you to shoot whomever you want if you feel threatened by them, whether or not your feeling is genuine  or the product of irrational fears whispered to you by the Virgin Mary wearing a horse mask.

Now, in a case such as this that’s charged with serious-as-cancer racial and gun issues, it is inevitable that someone will say something so brutally stupid that it causes an intellectual concussion.  And sure enough our patience was rewarded by Geraldo Rivera who was on FOXNews to opine about this grave story and spewed forth this retarded gem:

But I am urging the parents of black and Latino youngsters particularly to not let their children go out wearing hoodies. I think the hoodie is as much responsible for Trayvon Martin’s death as George Zimmerman was.

“So I can’t wear a low-cut top and mini-skirt because I’ll get raped, but I can’t wear a hoodie because I’ll get shot,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “I had no idea there was so much danger in my wardrobe! I hope khaki pants don’t get you set on fire because I would be in deep shit.”

“I went through all the trouble of getting myself an anti-rape hoodie, and now it’s going to get me shot?” says Ninja Vicki.  “That’s a fucked up choice to make: getting raped or getting shot.  When did choosing something to wear turn into one of the goddamn Saw movies?”

“Well, right now only blacks and Latinos in hoodies are in danger of being shot on principle,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “But you know soon enough that white people will appropriate that trend just like they did rap music and Cinco de Mayo.”

“I hope Geraldo isn’t saying that hooded cloaks will get you shot too,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “I don’t want my Beltane to end in a hail of bullets by armed idiots who think we were trying to raise Chthulu when we dance around the maypole.”

“So Geraldo thinks any dark-skinned person wearing a hoodie is asking to be shot,” says Mikka.  “Funny, I happen to think anyone I see on Fox News drinks paint and strangles puppies for sexual gratification. Everyone has their preconceptions, some people just have more evidence for theirs.”

Geraldo continued drinking paint with a petulant defense of his statement about how Trayvon Martin would be alive if not for his hoodie, as well as snide derision of a Million Hoodie March (kind of like the Slutwalk) to protest the shooter not being arrested:

…thinking that a million hoodie march is going to change the image of a hoodie is like thinking that a chorus singing Koombayah is going to change the way people think about burkas.

“So pretty much unless you’re wearing a suit and tie, Geraldo is afraid of you,” says Anonymous Doug.  “Funny, because the people who can fuck over your life the most are assholes in suits.  That’s why I don’t listen to people in suits.  Or pants.”

“I don’t know what Kumbaya has to do with burkas, but you know you’ve got some high-quality stupidity happening when the person who spouts idiocy decides to double-down instead of retreating,” I say.  “So on the Geraldo Wardrobe of Doom Scoreboard please note that hoodies get you shot and burkas make people think you are going to blow them up.  We’re still awaiting word on whether leather jackets will get you stabbed or if sweater vests will get you beaten to death with baseball bats.”

“I take solace that Geraldo’s son is ashamed of his father’s idiocy,” says Samurai Cathy.  “Bringing that sort of shame upon your family used to be grounds for ritual self-disembowelment, but I doubt Geraldo has the wherewithal to know which end of the knife to stick in his belly, let alone any semblance of honor to consider such a path.”

Now Geraldo didn’t mention the Footie Hoodie or the Forever Lazy, but so far I haven’t had to shoot anyone wearing them because I limit my right to do so to my home.  If someone shows up to your door wearing one of them, they’re obviously in a cult and mean to do you irreparable harm. But you wait until they’re on your property to shoot them, because that’s the American Dream: shootin’ people who be trespassin’ yer prop’ty.


Essentially you shouldn’t be allowed to handle sharp objects or leave the house without a helmet

November 26, 2011

I understand why a segment of the population don’t want us using the word “retarded” in casual and public conversation, but I’m of the opinion that if you want to remove a word from usage you have to give us something to replace it.  And therein lies the problem of “retarded,” because no one’s been able to find a substitute that properly conveys the term’s full meaning and effect.

For example, in trying to severely downplay the UC Davis protestors being pepper sprayed by a cop, FOXNews Megyn Kelly claimed that pepper spray is “a food product, essentially.”  Now I can say that statement is grossly simplistic, intellectually dishonest, or flat-out wrong, but those terms don’t seem to carry the same weight or contempt as saying Megyn Kelly’s statement is fucking retarded.  It graduates from stupid because Megyn’s words weren’t conceived from intellectual deficiency but from a place of willful ignorance and intentional deceit.  The act of her saying pepper spray is a food product out loud was an attempt to persuade me that her idea had a merit, which it clearly does not.   Her attempt to persuade was so lacking that it was insulting, as if she believed we lacked the mental faculties to properly discern her words to be bullshit.

Now I could write that last paragraph out every time I hear something on FOXNews, or I can just say it was fucking retarded and move on to the next item on the Renal agenda. Like Maru videos.

Sort of off-topic note: I like to think we might not have gone to war in Iraq if someone in the media had stated explicitly that the idea was fucking retarded.  Civilized discourse has obviously failed us. 

Anyway… would I like a better phrase to properly express the feeling that am I dumber for hearing Megyn Kelly speak?  Absolutely!  Just like how people of long ago wanted a better way to dispose of bodily wastes than shitting in a chamber pot in the corner of their room and throwing it out the window.  But until indoor plumbing and toilets came along 700 years later, they made due with what they had and kept shitting in that pot.

The best the Renal Failure labs have been able to come up with so far is “intellectual concussion.”  Descriptive, yes, but it doesn’t have the same impact as fucking retarded.  It’s the difference between shooting a watermelon with a .357 revolver and calling in a napalm strike on a watermelon field.

At least this example of retardedness has spawned a funny new internet meme.  For that we can be thankful.

Admittedly, we (and the Internet at large )haven’t had this much fun since Senator Jon Kyl’s press secretary said his boss’s bullshit about Planned Parenthood wasn’t intended to be a factual statement, but it’s still fucking retarded in that the sad state of our world not only allows such acts that devolve humanity as a whole to occur with such regularity but does not have the language suitable to capture the essence of the idiocy on display.

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