Posts Tagged ‘gay’


Less Social Trailblazing, More Points Per Game

April 29, 2013

So there’s that story that just came about NBA player Jason Collins being the first athlete to come out of the closet in one of the four major sports leagues in America, and I went to find Tina the Lesbian to see how she felt about it.

“Well, Martina Navratilova’s been out of the closet for years, and college basketball standout/future WNBA Number One draft pick Brittney Griner came out recently too,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “But yes, I’ll concede the obvious point that few people pay attention to tennis or women’s basketball in this country.”

“So how big is this for your people?” I say.

“To be honest, I’m not feeling all that jazzed about it,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “This Jason Collins guy… he’s not that good at basketball.”

“You were wishing for a better player to come out of the closet,” I say.

“Look, I wasn’t expecting LeBron James or Kobe Bryant or some other all-star to say they’re gay,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “But couldn’t we in the gay community get someone better than an underperforming journeyman center?  Maybe someone who’s a good 6th man off the bench, or a really good role player.”

“Is this to combat the stereotype that gay men are bad at basketball?”  I say.

“Is that a real stereotype?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“I don’t know, I might have invented that one,” I say.

“Maybe now that he doesn’t have to worry about being gay he can be a better player,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “But he’s already 34, so he’s well into the downswing of his less than notable career.  Maybe if someone coming out of the NBA draft, like a high-rated prospect, came out just before draft day I’d be more excited about it.”

“Perhaps it opens the doors for other athletes in the other major sports to come out of the closet,” I say.

“Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t,” Tina the Lesbian says with a shrug.  “If it does, I’ll give this Collins guy his props for being the first to do it. But it takes a little more than a below-average center whose less-than-notable career is almost done coming out of the closet to get me excited.  There’s a reason they picked Jackie Robinson to be the first black player in the Major Leagues of baseball: because he was fucking awesome.”

“You’ve become jaded in your older years,” I say.  “When this blog began you probably would have been doing backflips in the street from news like this.”

“Back then I didn’t need a nap on the weekends, and I could finish off a box of Franzia by myself and still have the wherewithal to hit the after hours bars,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “I’ll leave the excitement of progress to the under-25 crowd. They have the energy to ride those drama waves.”

Strangely it seems like a significant step forward in society that gay people can be this unimpressed about such events.  Not giving a shit is usually the domain of us straight white males.  Welcome to the club!  The “meh” club, but the club nonetheless.



The connection between your sexual preference and your constant Jack Daniels-fueled blackouts

October 19, 2010

Usually it’s the candidates running for office in the House of Representatives that say that craziest shit because they only have to worry about getting votes from their particular district, which is likely to be populated by a majority of crazy people who vote en masse, while Senators have to worry about the entire state, of which a lot more non-crazy people may live and vote.  But this year it seems the crazies are setting their sights higher and going for the Senate.

Case in point:  Republican candidate Ken Buck on a recent edition of Meet the Press had this exchange with animatronic puppet David Gregory.

GREGORY: In a debate last month, you expressed your support for don’t ask, don’t tell, which we talked about with Mr. Gibbs. And you alluded to lifestyle choices. Do you believe that being gay is a choice?

BUCK: I do.

GREGORY: Based on what?

BUCK: Based on what?

GREGORY: Yeah, do you believe that?

BUCK: Well, I guess you can choose who your partner is.

GREGORY: You don’t think it’s something that’s determined at birth?

BUCK: I think that birth has an influence over it, like alcoholism and some other things, but I think that basically you have a choice.

To further discuss the concept of homosexuality as being like alcoholism we’ve assembled our own in-house gay, Tina the Lesbian, and our in-house alcoholic, Anonymous Doug.

“As Mitch Hedberg once said ‘Alcoholism is a disease but it’s the only disease you can be yelled at for having,'”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Damn it Tina, you’re an alcoholic.  Damn it Tina, you’re a lesbian.  One of these two doesn’t sound right.”

“My alcoholism has caused me to not show up to work on numerous occasions,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “I don’t know anyone who has ever called out gay to work.”

“Colorado was where that Ted Haggard preacher guy was from who kept railing about gays until they found out he was doing gay stuff,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Plus it’s home of that Focus on the Family group that says gays can be cured by the power of Jesus.  So maybe the state’s economy runs on the bullshit industry of ex-gay counseling and they have to keep that lie up that it works or else the whole state will turn into a third world country.”

“And Colorado is the home of Coors’ Brewing too,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Their beer is cheap pisswater so I guess it’s the choice of the non-discerning alcoholic with no taste who has a lot of time on their hands to get drunk off a 30-pack.  But I’m a functioning alcoholic who has shit to do, so I can’t be messing around with weak beer.  That’s why there’s rum.”

“I would say Christianity is more like alcoholism than homosexuality,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “The blood of Christ is wine.  You can literally get drunk on Jesus.”

“I’ve gotten drunk girls to kiss each other,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “But they were doing that for free drinks so you can’t get drunk off being gay, but you can get drunk by getting guys to buy you drinks for doing hot lesbian stuff.  I don’t think that makes you an alcoholic anymore than it makes you gay.”

PRO TIP:  The next time someone asks you if being gay is a choice, answer “no, it’s not a choice” because if you answer “yes” every explanation you come up with to support that answer will make you sound like an idiot.

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