Posts Tagged ‘gays’

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Don’t Ask, But Do Run Tell That

December 21, 2010

When I heard that Congress had actually passed the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell to clear the way for homosexuals to serve in the American military, I went straight over to Tina the Lesbian’s house, expecting her to be drunk with joy and tequila.  Instead, she was just chilling on her couch, watching one of those shows where making cakes is a contest.

“I’m not celebrating until Obama signs it into law,”  Tina the Lesbian says.  “I’m waiting for it to be official before I expend any jubilation, because the gays have been burned before.”

“And what kind of jubilation will you be expending?”  I ask.

“I’m calling up John McCain’s office and telling him to go fuck himself,”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“Is spite really the best choice of celebrating the advancement of gay civil rights?”  I say.

“In this case, yes,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “If McCain had won the election in 2008, he’d be vetoing this.  He certainly worked his ass off in the Senate trying to block it from passing.  And since I’m not joining the military, the only way I can participate in this victory for gay civil rights is to yell at the people who fought so hard to prevent it and gloat about it like my sports team won.”

“I don’t think after the Civil Rights Act got passed that Martin Luther King went around the South sitting at formerly segregated lunch counters screaming at racist rednecks ‘Oh yeah motherfuckers!   Who has to sit with Negros now?  You do, you honkey-ass crackers!'”   I say.

“No, but someone else probably did,”  says Tina the Lesbian. “And besides, MLK was banging white girls during those marching days.  If that ain’t a big ‘fuck you’ to racist peckerwoods…”

“Yup, ain’t nothing that scares racists more than other races banging their women,”  I say.  “Maybe you should wait until gay marriage is legal in all 50 states and then tell John McCain that you’re coming to steal his wife and marry her.”

“Eew, why I would I want her?”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “She banged John McCain.”

“You’d be fucking her out of spite, remember?” I say.

“I’m not that spiteful,” says Tina the Lesbian. “I’m just spiteful enough to call John McCain up and tell him to go fuck himself for standing so stridently and unnecessarily on the wrong side of a such an important moment in advancing gay acceptance in America. Plus it makes me feel better about having that Obama for President sign on my lawn back in ’08. A little more good stuff like that, please.”

“So who are you calling when gay marriage gets legalized?” I say.

“I think I’ll be dignified for that victory for gay rights,” says Tina the Lesbian. “But as for Don’t Ask Don’t Tell being repealed, for as much bullshit we went through to end that awful policy, I think we get to have a little asshole time to celebrate.”

I decide that I too want to get in on some asshole time, so I call up Sean and Lucia Wheatley, our local couple who are scared of everything FOXNews tells them to be, and inform them that because of the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell repeal the Air Force has now officially become the Bear Force, and that we’ve brought back the gay bomb to drop from our gay planes. I believe the Wheatleys have locked themselves in the basement again, hoping that the renovations to the downstairs rec room will keep out the homoton particles from the gay bombs.  Every so often I knock on their door just to tell them to stay down in the basement because it’s much too gay outside.  I wonder if I can trick them to stay down there long enough to consider cannibalism.

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When “Saturday Night Special” means something completely different

October 5, 2010

Did you know Renal Failure is about solutions?  No?  That’s probably because you haven’t read our almost 1,600 posts here in the past four years.  Get to work on that, jackass.  Call out of work if you have to.

Anyway, previously here at Renal Failure we came up with a way to guarantee that gay marriage would become legal in most states: by hitching it to the medical marijuana movement.  And also in a very recent post here our own Anonymous Doug suggested that we arm the autistic so that they will not be pushed around by politicians who speak of autism using “scare quotes,” such as Nevada Republican Senate candidate Sharron Angle, because the strongest lobby in America is the National Rifle Association.

In the wake of the Tyler Clementi suicide and a batch of other suicides over anti-gay bullying, it has become clear that for the good of all gay Americans we need to not only arm our nation’s homosexuals to the teeth but we also must make all guns gay too.  We need to make owning firearms the gayest thing ever.  We need gays from San Francisco to Key West packing more heat than fudge.  We need that Adam Lambert dude from American Idol to make Ted Nugent’s love of firearms seem quaint. We need to turn the Lilith Fair into the biggest lesbian gun show since the 2001 Global Lesbian Bodybuilding Championship Extravaganza that I imagined watching during a flu-induced fever dream (it might have just been an episode of The Facts of Life).

Hey NASCAR redneck, do you carry a glock?  Well, you might as well be carrying one of those tiny toy dogs.  Is that cooler full of Bud Light or wine coolers? And that arsenal in your survival bunker for when the communist Muslims come for you?  It is now the equivalent of owning more gay porn than your local porn shop.  Man, Liberace wasn’t even THAT gay.  Going down to the gun range?  More like going down to a highway rest stop for a little glory hole action.  Rest stops have stalls, gun ranges have stalls, can’t be coincidence.  Put on some Bear Force One, squeeze off a few rounds of your Beretta, put your dick in that hole and make a new friend.

Yeah, you can have their guns when you pry them from their gay, well-manicured hands!  Smell that finger.  Where’s it been?  On the trigger of a Colt Single Action Army .45, the finest handgun ever made and also the clearest sign of your desire for lesbian relations.  Oh, and if you have a carry-and-conceal license you can use it to get into any Ani DeFranco concert for free.  For dudes, though, it’s into any performance of Mama Mia.

If the axiom that a well-armed society is a polite society is true, then making it so every gay is carrying a gun should provide an epic drop in anti-gay bullying in our nation’s schools.  Are you going to call that skinny kid a fag if you know he can unload a whole clip center mass on you faster than you can say Clay Aiken?   If successful, our plan will render nation-wide acceptance of homosexuals quicker than the muzzle velocity of AR-15 rifle, which if you own one is now a secret gay code saying that you like being peed on (if you own an AK-47, you like doing the peeing).  And as a bonus, gay marriage will get penned in as an addendum to the second amendment of the Constitution.

And if this gaying of guns plan doesn’t work, then perhaps it will severely mitigate the obvious fetish that many American have with guns, making them see firearms more as tools for a purpose instead of status symbols and security blankets with which to hide their multitude of anxieties and shortcomings behind.  You might cling to your gay-hating God and your guns, but when the guns go gay which G will you let go of?  The one that keeps you out of Hell or the one that keeps the government off your land?

It’s amazing what awesome plans you can come up with after spending your whole day drinking bleach.

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