Posts Tagged ‘guns’


How can you aim when you’re crying all the time?

April 13, 2013

The world keeps proving us right bit by bit.  Case in point, back in January we started off a post about two guys in Oregon exercising their Second Amendment rights by walking through their town with assault rifles on their back with the sentence “The world is driven by the deep insecurities of its people, regardless of whether those insecurities have any factual basis to them.”  And validation of this belief came in the form of a New York Times article chronicling a conversation between a columnist and a self-described “gun guy,” more specifically this particular quote from the “gun guy:”

My essential belief is that we need to treat gun owners with more respect while also demanding a higher level of responsibility.

When I read that quote I hear Fredo from The Godfather Part II: “I can handle things!  I’m smart! And I want respect!”  We just have to tweak it a little to get the gist of this gun guy’s jib: “Respect me, I have a gun!  Why don’t you respect me?”  If the source of your respect stems solely because of the weapon you carry, you’re a douchenozzle.  We don’t respect soldiers and cops because they carry guns, we respect them because they have sworn to serve to protect others with their lives.

The NRA likes to blame violent movies and video games for gun violence, but if someone from those industries said that movie makers or video game makers or the fans of those media needed to be treated with more respect, they’d be laughed out of the damn room. But Mr. Gun Guy seems to believe this is an entirely reasonable thing to declare, and most likely for one sole reason: he has a gun. And when you have a gun, you don’t have to make sense.

At this point I want to redefine the term “responsible gun owner” as someone who not only safely and responsibly handles, stores, uses, and keeps firearms but also doesn’t use those firearms to boost their self-esteem, mask their insecurities, and act like an emotionally-stunted cockwasher. Those are the gun owners who are under-represented, not the cockwashers. But like with everything, it’s the douchey cockwashers that ruin it for everyone.  That’s why all toy guns sold over the past 20 some-odd years all have those orange caps in the front of them.

This quote from Mr. Gun Guy pisses me off too:

A lot of gun owners are perfectly fine, for instance, with universal background checks. I know I am. They are fine with it so long as it doesn’t lead to a database and de facto registration.

Technically most gun owners are already in a database – it’s called the Cabela’s mailing list.  If you own a gun, I’m betting there’s a 90 percent chance you’ve bought ammo, guns, or gear from Cabela’s. The government already taps our phones, how hard would it be for them get that mailing list, as tyrannical and diabolical as we are led to believe by the heavily-armed people who wear the Don’t Tread On Me flag like a Superman cape?  Hell, knowing how cozy the corporate world and government are to each other, Cabela’s would probably freely give that info up in exchange for some favors and wheel-greasing in Congress.

And these are the same people who want a database for mentally-ill people, because when you have a gun it makes perfect sense to believe that the government knowing you own firearms is tyranny but the government knowing you visit a therapist for depression is fine.  If only our Founding Fathers were on Valium…

I’ve said it before and I’ll repeat it here: it’s easier to own a gun in American than a vagina. This would change, in my glib opinion, if vaginas could shoot bullets.  Then you might see some real push for gun control because I’m pretty sure men don’t want anything to do with a vagina that can hold a 30-round extended magazine.  Well, maybe in a spectator sense they would, like in a Thailand bar show, but not regarding coitus.  Then we’d be asking women what caliber their vagina is.  Does she have a .45 cooter?  A .357 beaver? Semi-automatic va-jay-jay? Is that an assault pussy?

Hold up, I got distracted by vagina there… no, actually vagina is exactly what should be in mind because Mr. Gun Guy is being a weepy vagina/drippy penis/blubbering urogenital opening because of this exchange:

JOE: Once again, your argument seems to be, we’re going to treat gun owners differently from everyone else.

DAN: Well, maybe we have to, because guns are so dangerous.

JOE: Why, because they’re going to shoot us?

DAN: No, no! Because we need the gun guys. You won’t get there by vilifying them or treating them like children. I think most of what happens with guns that is bad in this country could be solved by the gun guys themselves.

How adorable! Dan the Gun Guy thinks people who own guns are special snowflakes, or at least more special than those non-gun owners or even those people who have actually been shot by guns or have had loved ones killed by guns.  We must be careful not to hurt their delicate feelings for they are fragile little glass unicorns.  Hey fuck-tart, news bulletin here, we are all equally worthless, and our worth only increases or decreases because of the things we do, not because of the things we own.  Fuck, he sounds like a moody teenager who says “I was gonna take out the trash but you kept nagging me to do it so I’m not gonna.”  Go ahead and feel that way, but if you pull this shit as part of a national debate I’m going to ignore whatever comes out of your cryhole.

In conclusion, vaginas. Also, owning a gun or guns does not turn you into an insecure genital scrap.  You were already an insecure genital scrap, you’re just using guns to overcompensate for it, and you’re fucking up guns for everyone else.



If you don’t tell your guns you appreciate them, they will become sad

January 20, 2013

Rassles once told me “Firefly is like the Dave Matthews Band of science fiction. Fans are obnoxiously devoted, and non-fans are usually more frustrated with the fans than the show itself.”  There is truth to be found there, but recently I’ve found it to be a more truthful statement regarding guns in America – it’s their most ardent fans that critically annoy me more than the guns themselves.

Case in point: yesterday was Gun Appreciation Day in America – scheduled conveniently by the marketing firm hyping the event on the holiday weekend commemorating civil rights leader, non-violence advocate, and gun shot victim Martin Luther King Jr. because irony is an effective way to remember dates on your calendar. If you schedule your divorce proceedings on Valentine’s Day, you’ll damn well remember to show up.

The last appreciation day we covered here at the Failure was Chik-fil-A Appreciation Day, which was day where people said “Fuck you gay marriage, we’re eating shitty food!” (Remember that day!  Remember how that totally destroyed gay marriage and no gays ever got married again?) So it comes as no surprise that not only was Gun Appreciation Day inspired by the previous Chik-Fil-A Appreciation Day but that it also comes with its own “Fuck you” message – as read on the graphic on the Gun Appreciation Day homepage:

On 1.19.13, go to your local gun store, gun range or gun show with your Constitution, American flags, and your “Hands Off My Guns” signs to send a loud and clear message to Congress and President Obama.

That message apparently is “Fuck you, I’m easily startled, and I’m bored on a Saturday.”

Also, Gun Appreciation Day was scheduled around Obama’s Presidential inauguration – which sends a message similar to this classic scene from Blazing Saddles…

Now I can’t find a sword appreciation day (although Feb 28th is International Sword Swallowers Appreciation Day) or a knife appreciation day, however those deadly armaments don’t have a wealthy lobbying outfit propping them up. Guns apparently have low self-esteem whilst edge weapons are comfortable with who they are.  Your stockpile of pistols and rifles is a needy girlfriend who must be continuously told that she is pretty and smart or she will have a meltdown at your next social gathering, forcing you to spend the next hour out on the patio trying to make her stop crying.  Your knife is perfectly fine if you want to go watch football at the bar with your friends.

I don’t much care for the important weapon which supposedly protects us from guv’mint tier’ney being treated like a sports team’s promotional event (Come on out to the ballpark for Fan Appreciation Day – get a free t-shirt and bobblehead doll).  Sort of undercuts the solemn, serious nature you’re trying to bestow upon the gun.  And have you ever been to a store on Customer Appreciation Day?  Yeah, it’s just another sale, but it doesn’t come with all the overwrought Freedom-Emo bullshit that’s attached to Gun Appreciation Day.

Note: Freedom-Emo bullshit will be the new hot phrase of 2013.

I’d like to know what is considered the tyranny tipping point in these Gun Appreciators minds, because I’m getting a feeling this is just another flavor of your relative or friend who said they were moving to Canada when the last election didn’t go their way.  They didn’t move, and your gun appreciation people aren’t going to rise up against tyranny because their only working definition of tyranny seems to be “shit I don’t like.”

Fighting for freedom is a full-time job, which will require you to throw away your current career and uproot your family’s comfortable lifestyle to a war-time footing of rationed food, constant vigilance, and the threat of being snipered at any time by a well-trained member of the US military. So what will trigger your transformation from member of society to VIVA LA REVOLUTION? What will cause you to irrevocably disrupt your life and your family’s? Are you using the “I know it when I see it” method of determining when to go to DEFCON-1?  It doesn’t help your case if you don’t have some sort of specific answer. All it does is turn your “patriotic arsenal to protect freedom” into a “pile of guns for when I get mad.”

Fuck, the Swiss don’t have to deal with this shit, and everyone has a gun there. I guess neutrality allows you to have a more reasonable view of firearms.  Maybe I can just be a gun hipster. “Yeah, I have guns, but I’m more into the Swiss way of ownership. You haven’t heard of it, and even if you did I was into before you.”



Oh, do I have a large, menacing weapon on my back? I didn’t notice…

January 14, 2013

The world is driven by the deep insecurities of its people, regardless of whether those insecurities have any factual basis to them.  I find this belief becoming more and more plausible as the post-Sandy Hook shooting discussion over guns in America has devolved to “THEYS COMIN’ TO TAKE ALL OUR GUNS!”  and “MAH ARSENAL IS THE ONLY THING KEEPING THE KING OF ENGLAND OUT OF MY REC ROOM!”

Front and center regarding my “insecurities as catalyst” theory is this story about two guys in Portland walking around the streets with assault rifles on their back for the purpose of, according to one of these geniuses, “exercising my rights with a rifle to try to decrease the demonizing of peacefully exercising your rights in public.”  Apparently it’s legal to walk around in Oregon with a firearm in the open, but like with all things just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.  People kept calling 911 to report seeing men with guns walking down the street, prompting the cops to keep coming out to make sure nothing was going on.

My first thought when I read about this story was “I bet these two are white.”  And sure enough they were.  That’s the joy of being white: honkeys can get away with doing crazy shit like this.  When it comes to white people and ridiculous notions, there’s no limit to level of absoludicriousness we can reach. But the flipside is that as nutball as white people can get, we also get freaked out just as easily.  A member of the Black Panthers stands outside a voting precinct with a billy club and a scowl and the FOXNews crowd shits its pants like the Race War has started, but two crackers walk down a street with rifles on their backs and it registers nothing.  We had people pissing themselves over Muslims having a cultural center a few blocks from where the World Trade Center used to be, so imagine the cardiac shit-fit that would have been cast if they had guns too.  This is the shit you don’t have to worry about when your complexion is lighter than a cup of coffee with four creamers in it.

Again, just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s a good idea, as seen here:

Officers said carrying firearms openly is legal in Oregon and carrying a concealed gun is legal with a valid license. However, doing one or both may generate 911 calls and possibly tie up resources that are needed for a true emergency.

Warren said he hoped people would approach them and talk to them, instead of calling police.

“Hey, that man has a large gun, let’s go up and talk to him,” said no one ever.  An exposed weapon is not a conversation starter with a stranger, it’s a warning.  And while you and your friend know that you’re not going to start shooting people, the rest of us don’t and we’re not going to take your word for it.  At least with concealed carry we don’t have trust that you’re not going to shoot up the place because we don’t know that you have a weapon, and therefore have no basis to conceive you could do such a thing.  You’re actually taking other people’s feelings into account when you don’t peacock around with your semi-auto self-worth validator.

You don’t trust your fellow man enough to leave your house without a rifle on your back, but you expect me to trust you?

And we get dumber with every passing day…

“What they really should do is observe the person to determine if the person is aggressive,” (Warren) said of seeing someone with a gun in public. “We’re not doing anything threatening to anyone.”

Again, only you know that.  We can’t read your mind, we can only observe what we see and what we see is two guys armed with rifles that can easily be swung around into a firing position in less time than it takes to say the word Onomatopoeia.  Are we to deny our instinct that someone with an exposed weapon is inherently dangerous, or are we to trick ourselves into thinking the counter-intuitive notion of  “No, they can’t be potentially dangerous, that’s just what they’d be expecting.”

And what is the precedence for this? What other country has random citizens walking around with rifles in the open?  Somalia?  Uganda? Mexico?  They don’t even do this bullshit in Israel, and they’re surrounded by people who hate them.  If someone’s walking around in public with a rifle in Israel, they likely have a military rank high enough to warrant their doing so.  In Oregon, it’s just some insecure yahoo.  And no one gets rockets shot at them in fucking Oregon.

It’s probably another evolution of the “Fuck You” default setting that Americans come pre-loaded with upon birth, like so much useless software on your new computer.  When you have so many people yelling “Fuck You” at each other, you need to find bigger ways to assert your “Fuck You” as the dominant one.  And what better way than by strutting around with a big gun.  Are you going to say “Fuck You” to the guy with semi-auto in plain view?  “I’m gonna do what I want and you ain’t gonna say shit to me because I got a gun and I want you to know it.  Look how big my balls are!  LOOK AT THEM!  Don’t call me insecure!  I’VE GOT A GUN!  I’M SECURE AS A MOTHERFUCKER!”

Bill Hicks told us that we have a simple choice to make if we want to change our lives – a choice between fear and love.  I take that as a prompt to examine why we do the things we do.  Are we doing something out of fear, or out of love?  Adding to that notion is are you acting in ways that make people want to act out of fear or love toward you?  Something tells me carrying a rifle on your back through town isn’t something you’re doing out of love, and it’s not encouraging any love toward you either.



You can have my gun when you pry it from this cold, dead paradox

December 23, 2012

“So one of the NRA’s answers to school shootings is to arm teachers with guns,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Correct,” I say.

“But according to the emails I get from my conservative relatives, teachers are communist sleeper agents indoctrinating our youth to become socialist freedom-haters,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “And they all belong to unions, which are sucking the freedom out of this country.”

“Correct,” I say.  “They are filthy godless commies, and we must give them guns to protect the children they are indoctrinating to hate freedom.”

“And the NRA wants a national database of people who are mentally ill so that they don’t get a gun,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Correct,” I say.

“But the NRA also believes that a national database of gun owners would be a threat to freedom in America,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Correct,’ I say.  “If you know who owns a gun, then the government can target them when the Great Un-Freedoming begins.”

“But in regards to the database, it would be safe to say the NRA would like more mental health services available to American citizens, right?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“It would seem so,” I say.

“But then that would be socialized health care from government,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Which would turn us into evil socialists.”

“Correct again,” I say.

“Now the NRA wants more armed police presence in our schools,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Correct,” I say.

“But wouldn’t that mean more government intrusion for people who don’t much care for government intrusion?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Which is why they also press for more home-schooling,” I say.  “Police state for thee, not for me.”

“And that brings up another thing I’m confused about,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “I’m always being told we have to support the cops and support the troops.”

“Support them or you hate freedom, right you are,” I say.

“But those same people fear the government coming to take away their guns and freedom,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “And when the government goes to take those things they’re going to send cops and soldiers.”

“And cops belong to dirty commie unions too,” I say.  “Which makes them perfect to take away your guns and freedom to create a one-world government controlled by the Illuminati from their offices at the UN.”

Tina the Lesbian pauses to stare at her margarita.  “I don’t understand anything anymore.”

“Because you don’t own a gun,” I say.

“Why would that make a difference?” says Tina.

“Because when you have a gun, you can resolve these logical inconsistencies rather easily,” I say.  “All you do is wave the gun around and no one argues with you.”

“If it works for R Kelly in that Trapped in the Closet series…” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Should I buy you a gun for Christmas?” I say.

“No, that’s all right,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Good, because you’re getting booze, like everyone else I’m giving gifts to,” I say.

Three boxes of box wine make for a Merry Christmas indeed.



You’re not so much jumping to conclusions as you are huffing paint and stumbling onto them

December 16, 2012

The most cogent and needed advice is always the most unheeded because it is not profitable…

One of my friends recently stated (and I’ll paraphrase here) that it’s a fucked world when someone asks “Did you hear about the shooting?” and the first thing you reply with is “Which one?”

After the primary tragedy – in this case, the school shooting in Newtown, CT – comes the secondary tragedies of the event wherein people draw the absolute wrong conclusions from the primary tragedy.

The biggest of these wrong conclusions is that if only someone else at the school had a gun and they had gone all Bruce Willis on the shooter, which is a dumb idea and is even dumber coming out of the mouth of an elected official – Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX):

“You know, having been and judge and having reviewed photographs of these horrific scenes and knowing that children have these defensive wounds — gunshots through their arms and hands as they try to protect themselves — and hearing the heroic stories the principal, lunging trying to protect — Chris, I wish to God she had had an M4 in her office locked up. So, when she heard gunfire she pulls it out and she didn’t have to lunge heroically with nothing in her hands, but she takes him out, takes his head off before he can kill those precious kids.

“Because headshots are so easy to score in the midst of a nerve-wracking life-or-death situation…”  says Tina the Lesbian, shaking her head.  “He sounds like one of those idiots after 9/11 bragging that he’d never let some Arab with a box-cutter take him out, and he would have totally saved the plane singlehandedly too.  And if he had a time machine, he totally would have kicked Hitler in his ball and stopped the Holocaust.”

“Well, the mother of the shooter had guns in her house and they didn’t do her a bit of good,” says Anonymous Doug, referring to the shooter’s first victim (from this ABCNews story – the shooter killed her then took her car and at least three of her guns to the school).  “What’s the honorable goober from Texas’s wish about her?  If only she slept with a gun under her pillow? If only she had a gun glued to her hand for just such a deadly occasion?  If only she had been made out of guns?”

“The congressman obviously didn’t heed any of the lessons of the shootings in Tucson where his colleague Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords got shot in the head,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “One of the guys who helped subdue the gunman had his own gun on him, and he almost drew his weapon and shot the guy who had wrestled the gun away from the shooter.  He said he was lucky he didn’t draw his gun, especially since then he may have been confused by others as the shooter.  He could have shot the wrong person and then have gotten shot himself.  When chaos happens, do not add to it.”

From there, the wrong conclusions depart from the tangible facts of the shooting, looping into other topics that people advocate for.  For example, former Arkansas Governor/current FOXNews personality/person who says horrible things but in a kind voice to sound reasonable Mike Huckabee opined on television:

We ask why there is violence in our schools but we have systematically removed God from our schools. Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage? Because we’ve made it a place where we don’t want to talk about eternity, life, what responsibility means, accountability — that we’re not just going to have be accountable to the police if they catch us, but one day we stand before, you know, a holy God in judgment. If we don’t believe that, then we don’t fear that. And so I sometimes, when people say, why did God let it happen. You know, God wasn’t armed. He didn’t go to the school. But God will be there in the form of a lot people with hugs and with therapy and a whole lot of ways in which I think he will be involved in the aftermath. Maybe we ought to let him in on the front end and we wouldn’t have to call him to show up when it’s all said and done at the back end.

“So because you can’t force the Jewish kids in public schools to say Christian prayers, we have massive shootings?” says Ninja Vicki. “Everyone wants God in their schools as long as it’s theirs. If a public school held Muslim prayer time, Huckabee would go fuck-all nuts about it.”

“So the ‘wrong God’ rule is why those people at the Sikh temple in Wisconsin or the Unitarian Universalist church in Tennessee got shot,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Only the real deal Christian God who passes the Pepsi Challenge can protect you from being gunned down.”

“Yes, God was not armed, BECAUSE HE IS FUCKING GOD!”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “God didn’t have to go to the school BECAUSE GOD IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING EVERYWHERE!  Why is it I know more about God than this fuckstain when I’m supposed to be hellbound?”

The third wrong conclusion drawn from this is that the tragedy occurred because of video games, a view espoused by this genius on FoxNews – Lt. Col. Dave Grossman:

What you saw in Newtown is just the beginning! This is a sick, sick culture feeding sick movies and sick video games creating very, very sick kids!


…We have raised a generation of children who have learned to kill and learned to like it. When we get a sick kid in past years, they were chewing gum and talking out in class. Now we create a sick kid and they’re gonna come kill you. If you’re the parents who let your kids play these sick games, the blood is on your hands and, by the way, you might be the first one to die.

“If first-person shooter games like Doom and Quake and Mass Effect can train me to be a cold-hearted gunman, then why hasn’t my 25 years of playing Street Fighter transformed me into an unstoppable martial arts machine?” says Mikka.  “Oh right, because that’s not how the universe works when it comes to acquiring skills and talents.  Dungeons and Dragons didn’t turn anyone into a goblin-cleaving warrior and Tecmo Bowl didn’t turn me into Joe Montana either.”

“Wait, this guy is a member of the US Military, right?” says Samurai Cathy.  “If video games teach people how to become stone-cold killers, then why are there no XBoxes or Playstations at boot camp?  Eight weeks of physical training, eight weeks of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, then off you go to defend our nation.  If anything this guy said had any basis in reality, we could end the amorphous War on Terror with a battalion of top Halo players.”

“To be fair, all the good video game players in the military are probably piloting our drones,” says Anonymous Doug.  “The controls are choppy and you only get one life, but instead of having a high score you can get money for college through the G.I. Bill.”

There are plenty of other wrong conclusions being drawn from this latest mass shooting, but sometimes there’s just too much bullshit to sort out and you have to prioritize what needs mocking.



When “Saturday Night Special” means something completely different

October 5, 2010

Did you know Renal Failure is about solutions?  No?  That’s probably because you haven’t read our almost 1,600 posts here in the past four years.  Get to work on that, jackass.  Call out of work if you have to.

Anyway, previously here at Renal Failure we came up with a way to guarantee that gay marriage would become legal in most states: by hitching it to the medical marijuana movement.  And also in a very recent post here our own Anonymous Doug suggested that we arm the autistic so that they will not be pushed around by politicians who speak of autism using “scare quotes,” such as Nevada Republican Senate candidate Sharron Angle, because the strongest lobby in America is the National Rifle Association.

In the wake of the Tyler Clementi suicide and a batch of other suicides over anti-gay bullying, it has become clear that for the good of all gay Americans we need to not only arm our nation’s homosexuals to the teeth but we also must make all guns gay too.  We need to make owning firearms the gayest thing ever.  We need gays from San Francisco to Key West packing more heat than fudge.  We need that Adam Lambert dude from American Idol to make Ted Nugent’s love of firearms seem quaint. We need to turn the Lilith Fair into the biggest lesbian gun show since the 2001 Global Lesbian Bodybuilding Championship Extravaganza that I imagined watching during a flu-induced fever dream (it might have just been an episode of The Facts of Life).

Hey NASCAR redneck, do you carry a glock?  Well, you might as well be carrying one of those tiny toy dogs.  Is that cooler full of Bud Light or wine coolers? And that arsenal in your survival bunker for when the communist Muslims come for you?  It is now the equivalent of owning more gay porn than your local porn shop.  Man, Liberace wasn’t even THAT gay.  Going down to the gun range?  More like going down to a highway rest stop for a little glory hole action.  Rest stops have stalls, gun ranges have stalls, can’t be coincidence.  Put on some Bear Force One, squeeze off a few rounds of your Beretta, put your dick in that hole and make a new friend.

Yeah, you can have their guns when you pry them from their gay, well-manicured hands!  Smell that finger.  Where’s it been?  On the trigger of a Colt Single Action Army .45, the finest handgun ever made and also the clearest sign of your desire for lesbian relations.  Oh, and if you have a carry-and-conceal license you can use it to get into any Ani DeFranco concert for free.  For dudes, though, it’s into any performance of Mama Mia.

If the axiom that a well-armed society is a polite society is true, then making it so every gay is carrying a gun should provide an epic drop in anti-gay bullying in our nation’s schools.  Are you going to call that skinny kid a fag if you know he can unload a whole clip center mass on you faster than you can say Clay Aiken?   If successful, our plan will render nation-wide acceptance of homosexuals quicker than the muzzle velocity of AR-15 rifle, which if you own one is now a secret gay code saying that you like being peed on (if you own an AK-47, you like doing the peeing).  And as a bonus, gay marriage will get penned in as an addendum to the second amendment of the Constitution.

And if this gaying of guns plan doesn’t work, then perhaps it will severely mitigate the obvious fetish that many American have with guns, making them see firearms more as tools for a purpose instead of status symbols and security blankets with which to hide their multitude of anxieties and shortcomings behind.  You might cling to your gay-hating God and your guns, but when the guns go gay which G will you let go of?  The one that keeps you out of Hell or the one that keeps the government off your land?

It’s amazing what awesome plans you can come up with after spending your whole day drinking bleach.

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