Posts Tagged ‘islam’


Do the bombs of a Pro-Lifer make you fertile instead of dead?

September 14, 2010

As regular Renal Readers will know (and now you non-regular readers will know), Tina the Lesbian regularly suffers the panicked delusions of her neighbors Sean and Lucia Wheatley.  Usually the topics are about gay marriage threatening their marriage, or gays threatening high school proms, or if mops are socialists, or if homosexuality is caused by demons, or if toaster ovens make you gay, or if Obama is a communist or a secret Muslim or a radical Christian (because he can’t be all three), or if gays are a bigger threat to America than terrorists, or if gays can cause earthquakes with their homo ways.  You know, a whole lot of dumb shit they got off some asshole on the TV or the radio or the Internet.

Well, after all these years Tina the Lesbian has decided that her usual tactic of calmly and rationally dealing with the Wheatley’s hysterical and misinformed squealings just wasn’t working anymore, and has she decided that perhaps turnabout really is fair play instead of a meaningless cliche.

So there’s a knock at the door of the Wheatley’s house this evening, and Sean and Lucia find Tina on their doorstep.

“Stop trying to kill us!”  Tina yells at them.

“Who?”  says Sean Wheatley.  “Who’s killing who and with what?”

“Pro-Lifers, they’re going to blow us up!”  Tina says, really playing up the crazy.

“I don’t think we are,”  says Lucia.  “Did we miss something in the church bulletin.”

“Don’t act like you don’t know,”  says Tina.  “Didn’t you see the news about the Christian in New Hampshire who got caught trying to help plan a bombing on an abortion clinic?  He called himself the Christian counterpart to Osama bin Laden.  Christian Pro-Lifers are coming to murder us!”

“I don’t think the actions of one man should be used to paint a whole group,”  says Sean Wheatley.

“Yeah, this seems like an isolated incident,”  says Lucia Wheatley.

“What about the Dr. Tiller murder?”  says Tina.  “Or the Olympic bombing in Atlanta?  You know there’s only two groups that have committed terrorism at the Olympic games: Palestinians and Pro-Lifers.  Coincidence?  There are no coincidences!”

“Oh my God!’  says Sean Wheatley.  “You’re right.”

“We’re killers!”  says Lucia Wheatley.

“Wait, what?”  says Tina, not expecting the Wheatley’s to believe the bullshit she was throwing at them. “No, guys…”

“We’ve been so afraid of Muslims and gays and atheists killing us that we were blind to the truth,”  says Sean Wheatley.  “It’s like a bad mystery novel where you find out the detective in charge of the case is really the killer.”

“We’re our own Manchurian Candidates!”  says Lucia Wheatley.  “And what better way to hide our murderous ways than by calling ourselves Pro-Life!”

“No, you’re not supposed to agree with me,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “You’re supposed to give yourself  a migraine trying to unravel all the stupid shit I’m throwing at you that I don’t really believe.”

“It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe it,”  says Sean.  “All that matters is that you said it and someone else believes it.”

“And we are people of faith, so we’ll believe anything,”  says Lucia.

Tina leaves the Wheatley’s for her abode and her extra-strength migraine pills, her throbbing headache a painful reminder that you can’t fight the combined forces of scared and stupid.


So are we supposed to be afraid of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar too?

August 23, 2010

So the other day I was wondering if idiots were still pissing themselves over people being Muslim two blocks away from where the Twin Towers used to be.  Sure enough they were, but at least they weren’t making up words for it this time around.  Time for another roundtable around a trashcan of grain alcohol and photograph developing fluid.

“So according to these people it’s perfectly okay that the Pentagon has a mosque inside it, but it’s not okay that a community center might have a prayer room a full two blocks away from where the towers fell?”  says Samurai Cathy.  “It’s like the only way their argument would make sense would be if you lost all sense of spatial awareness.”

“There’s already a mosque three blocks from Ground Zero,”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “So a mosque three blocks is okay, but a prayer room that doesn’t even exist yet two blocks away is beyond offensive?  Is there some sort of magical two-block field of hallowedness that I’m not aware of, because magical fields are sort of my thing so I should have been notified about it sooner.”

“Dude, there’s a strip club two blocks from this so-called hallowed ground,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “You’re going to tell me these guys have more of a problem with some people being Muslim two blocks from Ground Zero than with me getting a blowjob in the champagne room by a crying 19-year old who needs the cash to feed her smack habit two blocks from where the towers fell?  God, I love America!”

“The people bitching about this non-mosque being too close to the Towers site are the same ones who bitch the loudest about political correctness,”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “And they’re also the ones screaming how they don’t want government in their lives but they want the government to step in and stop people from being Muslim near Ground Zero.  The hypocrisy is so thick I could use it to smother the elderly.”

“This whole thing makes Americans look like pussies,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “That Iman Rauf guy hasn’t even begun to raise money for the center yet.  He doesn’t even have a blueprint for the place.  People are being total wailing pussies over the mere concept of people being Muslims in Manhattan.  Man up, America.”

“You know what’s at Ground Zero in Hiroshima where we dropped that atomic bomb?”  says Mikka.  “A friggin’ McDonald’s.  The ultimate symbol of American power and influence sitting in the blast radius of the ultimate symbol of American blowing-shit-uppitude and I don’t hear complaint one from the Japanese.  They probably channeled all those feelings into tentacle rape cartoons, but at least they didn’t whine about it.”

“I have a perverse sense of gratitude that this whole Islamic community center bullshit is taking morons’ minds off of their delirious panic that gay marriage is coming to destroy their families,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Sometimes it’s good to see where your minority status ranks on the bigotry ladder.”

When the dumb gets to be too much, do what I do and watch a cat video.  Because pills are too damn expensive, and the dumb is just too strong.

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