Posts Tagged ‘military’


Did Flipper fire six shots or only five?

March 15, 2013

You should be a regular Renal reader, and if you are then you’d know that dolphins will rape the shit out of you.  And if you aren’t a regular Renal reader then you wouldn’t know that until Ecco the Rapist grabs you with his prehensile penis and drags you down into his dolphin rape cave. But now the dolphins have upped their rape game…

Three of five dolphins taught by the Ukrainian navy to attack enemy combatants are reported missing after failing to return to a Crimean port following a training exercise earlier this month, the local media reports. The dolphins are believed to be out chasing tails.

Okay, not the first time we’ve heard about the military using dolphins.  The US has been using them to detect mines in the ocean. Why are these dolphins different?

But last year, RIA Novosti reported, the Ukrainian Navy restarted the program, training the dolphins to attack enemies with knives and guns attached to their heads. Photos showing the military-trained dolphins have frequently appeared in the Ukrainian press, but the country’s defense department has consistently denied the reports.

“We’re arming dolphins???”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat, who is a weaponized feline.  “Why would you give something with a prehensile penis a gun?  This is unacceptable, arming seafood like this, and I will not stand for it!  Fetch me my harpoon gun attachment!”

“So not only will dolphins rape you, they will now rape you at knife point,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Great, now SeaWorld’s going to need a Special Victims Unit.”

“Armed dolphins on the loose, looking for female dolphins to mate with,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Sounds like some crazy B-movie.  Sex-Crazed Military Dolphins From the Ukraine – a watery romp of violence and animal passion.  A perfect Russ Meyer vehicle.”

And interesting note in the story…

“Control over dolphins was quite common in the 1980’s,” Yury Plyachenko, a former Soviet naval anti-sabotage officer, told RIA Novosti, a Russian news source. “If a male dolphin saw a female dolphin during the mating season, then he would immediately set off after her. But they came back in a week or so.”

“At least these dolphins have their priorities straight,” says Anonymous Doug.  “I’ve ditched work a few time to go fuck a chick.  That’s a much better use of my day and I’m glad there’s a mammal that agrees with me.  In fact, tomorrow I think I’ll call out horny to work in tribute to our Ukrainian dolphin friends.”

“So the male dolphin mates with the female dolphin then tells her, ‘Hey baby, that was fun but I gotta get to work,'” says Mikka.  “Then swims on back to the humans like he wasn’t gone.  Dolphins are fucking smooth – except for all the raping they do.”

“So why doesn’t the Ukraine use female dolphins as part of their killer dolphin program?”says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “They don’t say that female dolphins just up and leave when they spot a male dolphin go by.  Perhaps female dolphins don’t like knives and guns like the males do.”

“Do the weapons help the dolphin score a mate?” asks Samurai Cathy.  “Does the male dolphin swim up to the female and say ‘Hey baby, I’ve mastered the use of weapons, does that get you hot?’  Does that line work?  Because it would work on me if I were a dolphin.”

We heard about this story on the same day word got to us about the dolphin that’s swimming around in the East River in New York.  This particular dolphin hasn’t sexually assaulted anyone yet, nor is it armed like his horny Ukranian brethren, but we must stay vigilant against the dolphin menace. And also I enjoy saying “dolphin rape cave.”



Don’t Ask, But Do Run Tell That

December 21, 2010

When I heard that Congress had actually passed the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell to clear the way for homosexuals to serve in the American military, I went straight over to Tina the Lesbian’s house, expecting her to be drunk with joy and tequila.  Instead, she was just chilling on her couch, watching one of those shows where making cakes is a contest.

“I’m not celebrating until Obama signs it into law,”  Tina the Lesbian says.  “I’m waiting for it to be official before I expend any jubilation, because the gays have been burned before.”

“And what kind of jubilation will you be expending?”  I ask.

“I’m calling up John McCain’s office and telling him to go fuck himself,”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“Is spite really the best choice of celebrating the advancement of gay civil rights?”  I say.

“In this case, yes,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “If McCain had won the election in 2008, he’d be vetoing this.  He certainly worked his ass off in the Senate trying to block it from passing.  And since I’m not joining the military, the only way I can participate in this victory for gay civil rights is to yell at the people who fought so hard to prevent it and gloat about it like my sports team won.”

“I don’t think after the Civil Rights Act got passed that Martin Luther King went around the South sitting at formerly segregated lunch counters screaming at racist rednecks ‘Oh yeah motherfuckers!   Who has to sit with Negros now?  You do, you honkey-ass crackers!'”   I say.

“No, but someone else probably did,”  says Tina the Lesbian. “And besides, MLK was banging white girls during those marching days.  If that ain’t a big ‘fuck you’ to racist peckerwoods…”

“Yup, ain’t nothing that scares racists more than other races banging their women,”  I say.  “Maybe you should wait until gay marriage is legal in all 50 states and then tell John McCain that you’re coming to steal his wife and marry her.”

“Eew, why I would I want her?”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “She banged John McCain.”

“You’d be fucking her out of spite, remember?” I say.

“I’m not that spiteful,” says Tina the Lesbian. “I’m just spiteful enough to call John McCain up and tell him to go fuck himself for standing so stridently and unnecessarily on the wrong side of a such an important moment in advancing gay acceptance in America. Plus it makes me feel better about having that Obama for President sign on my lawn back in ’08. A little more good stuff like that, please.”

“So who are you calling when gay marriage gets legalized?” I say.

“I think I’ll be dignified for that victory for gay rights,” says Tina the Lesbian. “But as for Don’t Ask Don’t Tell being repealed, for as much bullshit we went through to end that awful policy, I think we get to have a little asshole time to celebrate.”

I decide that I too want to get in on some asshole time, so I call up Sean and Lucia Wheatley, our local couple who are scared of everything FOXNews tells them to be, and inform them that because of the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell repeal the Air Force has now officially become the Bear Force, and that we’ve brought back the gay bomb to drop from our gay planes. I believe the Wheatleys have locked themselves in the basement again, hoping that the renovations to the downstairs rec room will keep out the homoton particles from the gay bombs.  Every so often I knock on their door just to tell them to stay down in the basement because it’s much too gay outside.  I wonder if I can trick them to stay down there long enough to consider cannibalism.

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