Posts Tagged ‘Modesty Club’


You’re saying “modesty” but all I’m hearing is “WHORE WHORE WHORE!”

December 9, 2012

One of the things that makes high school teachers feel old – and we’re just wildly speculating here, as the blog of wild fabrications and outright lies tends to do – is when the younger siblings of students they’ve taught come through their classroom.  And we’re not talking about the siblings that are only separated by a year or two.  We’re talking about a brother or sister coming through after the older sibling has been gradumacated for a few years.

We bring this up because of this recent story about a teen starting up a “Modesty Club” in her school…

After Saige Hatch, 15, noticed a lot of sartorial “immodesty” at South Pasadena High School, despite their basic rules of appropriate dress code, she started a co-ed Modesty Club, inspired by a “No-Cussing Club” begun by her brother in 2009. His club garnered death threats and thousands of pieces of hate mail as well as porn subscriptions, but Saige, in 5th grade at the time, admired his willingness to commit to something so unpopular.

No-Cussing Club… that sounds familiar… let’s go through the Renal  Archives and – ah, there we go!  From almost four years ago!  As if we didn’t feel old enough for writing a blog of lies for what will be 7 years later this month, now we’re dealing with the younger siblings of former posts rising up to get our attention.  “Oh hi, we certainly remember your brother when we had him our class…”

So we checked out the Modesty Club website, and were sad to find out that the first rule of Modesty Club is not that you don’t talk about Modesty Club, bur rather “If it’s too tight it’s not quite right.”  And we can admit a kernel of truth in that statement because if there wasn’t there wouldn’t be any People of Wal-Mart photos for your family members to forward to you.  We’ve seen muffin-tops that would shake the courage of the hardiest soul. 200lbs of ass wedged into a 50-pound bag of spandex or denim – GOOD LORD IT’S COMING RIGHT FOR US!

But the issue of clothes flattering to the figure is not one that the Modesty Club is addressing with their “if it’s too tight” rule.  The third and fourth bullets from their Modesty Standards list these gems:

  • Shoulders and busts are graciously covered.
  • Revealing lines are warning signs

“So my tanktops make me an immodest harlot?” says Tina the Lesbian.  “At least they’re not saying that my tanktops make me deserving of being raped.  Unless that’s what that revealing lines part is for.”

“Corsets are very gracious,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “I would say the focus should be on being classy rather than modest, but that doesn’t bring in that conservative social movement cash.”

Avonia’s talking about this:

(Saige) Hatch is, in fact, groomed for this kind of Tracy Flick-ism: her parents, Brent and Phelecia, co-authored a child-rearing guide called Raising a G-Rated Family in an X-Rated World.

“So this isn’t the spontaneous movement you may believe it is,” says Ninja Vicki.  “It’s pretty much kids keeping within the family business, which is obvious because there’s a link to an upcoming store on the site.”

But it’s not all “cover up your shoulders and tits, you filthy whores” with Modesty Club, as their second and fifth standards say:

  • It’s best to flirt in a knee length skirt
  • Clean and neat catches eyes on the street

“You think I ain’t fucked a girl wearing a knee-length skirt?” says Anonymous Doug.  “You don’t think I’ve picked up a clean and neat girl in a bar and had her ask me to do some nasty shit to her?  I’ve run into girls with their tits flopping out who won’t do fuck-all in the bedroom.  Modesty ain’t all in the wardrobe.”

“At least they aren’t denying the feelings that young people in the throes of puberty will have toward each other,” says Samurai Cathy, who will fucking cut you if you tell her she’s being immodest with her samurai robe.  “But when it comes to what’s going to catch someone’s eye, it’s rather subjective.  Guys like what guys like, and if they don’t like your cable-knit sweaters and floor-length skirts then no club’s going to change their minds.  The media didn’t tell guys to be into girls in low-cut tops and short skirts.  It’s why peacocks spread their feathers.”

But perhaps the mission statement of Modesty Club – which sadly does not mention that if it’s your first time at Modesty Club, you have to be modest – holds the most insight to what the group is about:

“A shift is coming, sneaking through the literal fabric of our culture. Our bright heroic women are being made the fool. A fool to think that to be loved they must be naked. To be noticed they must be sexualized. To be admired they must be objectified.”

“I want to point out that this club got its birth in California,” says Ninja Vicki.  “It’s hot out there.  It ain’t easy being modest when it’s 90 degrees most of the year.  You want modesty, go somewhere with an actual winter. Do something about global warming. Don’t get on my ass because I wear a lot of lycra.”

“Because women have only recently been sexualized and objectified,” says Tina the Lesbian with a shake of her head.  “You want to address those issues, that’s fine, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t start in a constructive way by pegging those with visible cleavage as immodest.”

Now Modesty Club was born from a Mormon household, which we suspect is why it’s gotten such mildly positive press as in recent years the American public seems to currently view of Mormonism as a quirky but friendly faith – like a less judgmental Protestant off-shoot – that isn’t scary as long as you don’t take a closer look at how it actually operates (then it’s quite horrifying).  Now imagine this story if it had been about a Muslim teen starting a Modesty Club.  Holy shit, it’d be considered the greatest threat to America since the Ground Zero “Mosque” that wasn’t really a mosque.

But what really undercuts their message is the Modesty Club Rap video on their site.  After watching that abortion, I now have the impression that modesty renders you unable to effectively express yourself in a creative manner, much in the same way that ingesting lead paint chips renders you unable to do basic math or read anything more complicated than a Ziggy cartoon.

Does modesty still let women wear knee-high boots?  Because if not, then we’re going to have an obvious problem…


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