Posts Tagged ‘ninjas’


The last ninja will own a Hello Kitty pillow

November 26, 2012

So this story from the BBC says that Japan’s current generation of ninjas will be the last.  Actually, it’s more that the remaining ninja clan grandmasters aren’t going to name heirs to their clans, as the modern world and its advancements apparently have no place for the art of ninjitsu in it.

This is news to our own Ninja Vicki.

“Being a ninja is awesome in the modern world,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Every idiot has a gun, but that gun doesn’t mean shit if you can sneak up on that idiot while he sleeps and slit his throat.  Oh, you’re going to shoot from behind cover?  Ninjas will get behind you and stab you before you can say ‘reload.’  And people are so fat and lazy now. Easy pickings!”

Ninja Vicki also disagrees with the comment in the article saying that ninjas had day jobs because you couldn’t make a living as a ninja.

“I’m doing great as a full-time ninja,” says Ninja Vicki.  “I have a house, that I stole.  I have an awesome living room set-up, also stolen.  Okay, so I don’t have dental insurance, but I’ll figure out how to steal that soon enough.”

But Ninja Vicki does agree with the article’s lament about how the ninja’s portrayal in popular culture is the complete opposite of its silent, unseen heritage.

“It’s like with mobsters and The Godfather,” says Ninja Vicki.  “At first, they were all happy that they were getting this glowing attention, but all it really led to was unwanted scrutiny and total misconceptions that you can never correct in the media.  They gloss up the rough spots and create this slick presentation that reality can never compete with.  Eventually the fiction turns into the fact, and you’ve lost what made it special in the first place.  Next thing you know, you got posers appropriating your scene and all you’re left with is memories about how it used to be.”

Nowhere in the article, sadly, is the mention of the mystical art of ninja vagina bubbles.  But considering the only ninjas interviewed in the article were men, it’s easy to see why that part of ninja lore was omitted.

“I wonder if I should put this on my online dating profile,” says Ninja Vicki.  “Single female, enjoys the music of Peter Cetera, might be the last ninja…”

Ninja Vicki may be the last of the ninjas, but she also a lot of issues with intimacy.


These potential ninjas showed up with their own masks

February 20, 2012

“3,500 Iranian women training as ninjas,” I say.  “That’s most likely more than we’ve got in America.”

“Yeah, I find that disconcerting,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Iran’s supposed to be rather oppressive of their women, but here they are training to be frickin’ ninjas.  America’s got freedom and opportunities out the ass and I think I’ve only come across three other women ninjas, who I was then forced to kill because… well, that’s what we do.”

“So what’s with the ninjas in the tiger garb?”  I say.  “Are they’re really good ninjas who don’t have to hide so much?”

“Sometimes a ninja wants to be fashionable,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “And these outfits are much better than the ones they have the female ninjas traipsing around in in those Mortal Kombat games.  It’s really hard to do backflips and roundhouse kicks with your tits all flopping about in the open.”

You cannot be a female ninja in Mortal Kombat unless you can dismember someone whilst wearing high heels and an outfit that looks like you just taped random fabric to your body…

“So will these Iranian ninjas be taught the ninja vagina bubbles trick?”  I say.

“I don’t know, but if they do Israel’s going to flip the fuck out about it,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “They’re afraid of Iran having nukes… that’s nothing compared to an army of women shooting killer bubbles out of their cooches at you.  I don’t think there’s an Israeli Krav Maga defense against vagina bubbles of death.”

“No, but they’re probably working on it as we speak,”  I say.  “They probably have already figured out how to defend against the taint stab.”

“But again, I can’t help but wonder why more women aren’t training as ninjas,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Maybe men won’t be so eager to trample on your reproductive rights if they knew you could sink a shuriken in their faces.  Maybe men would stop being all creepy and rapey if they knew we could slit their fucking throats so fast they’d never see the blade.  Maybe women could get equal pay if bosses and executives knew ninja women could sneak into their homes and stab them to death as they slept.”

“Well, you can do those things,” I say.  “Why aren’t you doing that?”

“Because I am but one woman,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “One ninja against an unjust patriarchal system doesn’t make a dent. A few thousand female ninjas, however, could make a big difference.”

“But you kill other ninjas so they don’t encroach in your territory,”  I say.

“Well obviously these women ninjas would have to do their ninjaing somewhere else,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “I brook no competition on my turf.  If you think just because you’re a woman you can pull ninja shit in my hood, I will not hesitate for a second to cut a bitch down.”

So Ninja Vicki is for women’s equality just as long as those women don’t try to be equal to her.  This probably explains why she doesn’t have many friends.

BONUS: Speaking of ninjas… apparently someone’s made a Nursemyra/Ninja Vicki character for an upcoming video game…


They call it Human Resources, she calls it a steady pipeline of prey

November 13, 2010

Tina the Lesbian is at her desk at work when she gets an email from the HR director to meet him in his office.  Tina has a flash of fear that the company has figured out that her Tetris binges have gotten longer and longer since she started at the company and now have reached unacceptable levels, and thus will now cast her into the desperate world of the unemployed in this horrid new world of economic anorexia.

But as she enters Mr. Wissahickon’s office, she does not find the 46-year old HR director sitting behind his desk.  Instead Ninja Vicki is there, tapping away at his computer.

“What the hell are you doing in here?”  Tina the Lesbian says to her ninja friend.

“Ah, there you are,”  Ninja Vicki says.  “Come over here.  There’s a new Maru video I want you to see.”

Tina sighs.  “If Mr. Wissahickon comes in and finds you at his desk-”

“Mr. Wissahickon has no need for desks anymore,”  Ninja Vicki says, twirling a throwing knife between her fingers.  “Now I am the head of Human Resources.”

“So you’ve gone from the mailroom to head of human resources in less than a week…”  says Tina.

“When you eliminate someone of the managerial class, you absorb their power and their position,”  says Ninja Vicki.

“That’s not how it works,”  says Tina.  “Moving up in the corporate world is not based on the rules of Highlander.”

Ninja Vicki holds up a book.  “That’s not what it says in Tag Larkin’s newest book ‘Tag Larkin’s Fuck Your Career in the Face.’  It’s certainly opened my eyes about managing my professional career.”

“You’ve never listened to Tag Larkin in your life,”  says Tina.  “Why would you start now?”

“Hey, he’s had the most jobs out of everyone I know,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “So that makes him the most qualified person on the subject.  Plus it gives me a better reason to stab people.  Now I can watch Maru videos all day without fear of repercussion.”

“So what are you going to do when someone comes in with an issue… say a sexual harassment claim?”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“I stab them both,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “The man for being a harasser, and the woman for not knowing ninjitsu and handling the problem herself.  It’s actually much cheaper than going through the process of investigating and settling the claim.  And the best part, it opens up two new jobs so that will help the economy.  In fact, the more people with jobs that I murder, the more jobs will be available for those who have been out of work for so long.”

“But our company offers life insurance policies to its employees,”  says Tina.  “If you start killing employees, their families are cashing out those policies.  It will drive our rates too high to maintain.”

“The life insurance policy is only good for as long as you’re with the company,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “So now as the Human Resources Head Ninja in Charge, I can now terminate people’s employment right before I terminate them.  A few signatures on the right pages and someone’s fate has been sealed.”

“But if you kill too many employees, we can’t do the work,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Which means productivity drops, profits vanish, and then the office closes and we’re all out of work.”

“Hmm… then I’m going to need an assistant to hire more people,”  Ninja Vicki says.  “Want a promotion?”

“I don’t know anything about hiring people,”  says Tina the Lesbian.

Ninja Vicki flips open Tag Larkin’s career development book.  “Tag Larkin says that it’s not that you don’t know how to do a job, it’s that you do know how but you just don’t know it yet.  And then Tag Larkin tells a story about how he performed an appendectomy at a car dealership.”

“No, Tag just kicked a salesman in the stomach until he agreed to give Tag the car for free,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “I remember that incident.”

“The point is, don’t sell yourself short,”  Ninja Vicki said.  “You might be really good at being my assistant.”

Tina closes her eyes and sighs.  “I’m going back to my desk.”

“Okay, I’ll forward you that Maru video then,”  Ninja Vicki says.

Tina the Lesbian returns to her desk and picks up the phone, dialing the one person who could help end Ninja Vicki’s reign of human resources terror.

To be continued…

%d bloggers like this: