Posts Tagged ‘obama’


Maybe now we’ll get those Black Panther Lesbian FEMA Death Camps

November 8, 2012

So Barack Obama got reelected as President of the United States over the guy who looks like a taller version of my Uncle Kevin (something that led to a lot of confusion when watching the news drunk) and everything is right in the universe.  Or the universe is going to burn and implode.  That all depends on your collection of Facebook friends (one of mine has already made a doom and gloom prediction for the end of 2012, which I have dutifully recorded and will be checking back on at the appropriate time to see if her prognostication abilities have improved since she boastfully predicted to me back in 2003 that they’d find WMD’s in Iraq and that George W. Bush would go down at the greatest president of all time.  This is why I do my damnest to avoid making predictions).

Here at the Failure, our crew is doing all right.  There’s a sense of ease in the air.

Tag Larkin once again has won over Mitt Romney’s son Tagg Romney, reminding the universe that there can be only one Tag.  Oh, you didn’t know that Tagg Romney?  Obviously you don’t read Renal Failure, otherwise you could have saved your inheritance money from getting blown on yet another failed campaign by your dad.  Tag Larkin never loses!

Tina the Lesbian is pleased that Todd “legitimate rape” Akin and Richard “God intended for you to be raped” Mourdock lost their Senate races.  But professional crazyperson Michele Bachmann still kept her Congressional seat, setting the standard that American will vote for batshit nutballs as long as they don’t say a lot of stupid shit about rape.

Samurai Cathy has been spending the post-election day writing letters to the pundits who not just erroneously predicted Mitt Romney would win but predicted he would win by an egregiously large margins to atone for being shitty at their jobs by slicing off their pinky fingers on national television.  Luckily for her, Mikka persuaded her not to mail a knife with each letter in order to keep the Homeland Security people from busting down the door to her studio apartment.  George Will may be for small government, but we’re pretty sure he’d be dialing the FBI faster than you could say National Review if someone mailed him cutlery and a request that he use it on himself.

Note: Professional Money-Crablouse Jim Cramer predicted a ridiculously large Obama victory, 440-98, but we’re pretty sure he was hopped up on Mad Money coke when he made that prediction. We’ve already asked him years ago to commit ritual suicide for his sins against humanity.

Ninja Vicki hopes that all her donations to Obama during the campaign (aka. stuff she stole from other people, because she’s a ninja) will pay off in the form of her being chosen to participate in The Great Winnowing – when those who came out to support Mitt Romney are systematically picked off by order of the President to set the stage for Black Power Socialist Redistribution Fest 2014.  Sure, Ninja Vicki heard about these ideas from local frightened couple Sean and Lucia Wheatley, who heard it from the Formerly-Screaming-Now-Hysterically-Weeping Head on the Radio, and it probably won’t happen, but Ninja Vicki still holds out hope that she will get a chance to hunt down Meat Loaf.  Not because he supported Romney, but for having recorded “Paradise By The Dashboard Lights” which ruins every karaoke night she’s ever been to.

Avonia the Wiccan Pimp is still pissed off that evangelical leader Billy Graham had any reference to Mormonism as a cult removed from his organization’s website in order to square his support for Mitt Romney against Barack Obama. Now that Romney lost, Avonia’s waiting for Mormonism to be assigned cult status again.  Avonia’s also waiting for the day when a Republican Wiccan runs for president against a black guy so all the evangelicals who’ve been calling her a Satan worshipper for all these years have to kiss Wiccan ass.  She knows this day will never come, but sometimes you have to give yourself to flights of extreme fantasy – which is how Peggy Noonan lives every minute of her life.  Her election prediction was so mired in delirious, sticky fantasy all it was missing was a dragon fucking a unicorn while Hobbits watched while furiously masturbating.

Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat is not allowed to vote, because he is a cat.  So Bernie is trying to lobby all those billionaires who wasted their money on SuperPACs that blew obscene millions of ducats on failed Republican campaigns to steer their remaining financial support toward his campaign to get America to give cats the right to vote.  As nature’s sociopaths, cats would be very likely to vote Republican, or at least that what cats want Republicans to think.  Then election day comes and cats go 74-23 toward the Democratic candidate, revealing that it was all a clever asshole feline ruse, concocted by Bernie to make a shitload of money and allow cats to run for political office. Sure, cats will nuzzle up to you for ear scratches and cuddles, but when you die in the house, they’re going to fucking eat you.

Anonymous Doug laments that CT Republican candidate Linda McMahon (wife of World Wrestling Entertainment’s Vince McMahon) has now lost two straight elections for Senate, blowing $93 million dollars of her own money over the 2010 and 2012 campaigns. He does not lament because she lost, but because that money could have easily been better used on making WWE wrestling better. Maybe hire some better wrestler than the ones currently in the Divas division.  Maybe hire some writers who could craft an actual compelling storyline for a wrestling feud instead of the dreck currently passing for wrestling programming. Perhaps maybe kinda sorta use that money to get wrestlers some decent health care benefits in a profession that leaves its hardest workers crippled instead of blowing almost 100 million in the cause of vanity.

But always remember, no matter what, crazy never dies and peak asshole is a myth.


You can kick Downton Abbey all you want, but leave the Muppets out of this

October 6, 2012

It used to be if you missed something on television, you had to depend on your friends who watched it to tell you all about the next day.  Now we have the Internet where there’s thousands of outlets to let you know what you missed and also provide further insight that may have been missed whilst seeing it live.  This is our long-winded way of saying we missed the Presidential debate this past week because we were doing more constructive things – like not watching Jim Lehrer be useless.

Anyway, so in the debate Romney actually stated something specific for once by declaring he would stop the government subsidy for PBS public television, which airs Jim Lehrer’s news show, saying: “I like PBS. I love Big Bird. I actually like you, too. But I’m not gonna keep on spending money on things to borrow from China to pay for.”

“When did ‘fuck you Big Bird’ become a viable campaign strategy?”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“Ever see what Sesame Street looks like?”  I say.  “The 1% don’t live there.  It’s not the nicest looking neighborhood.  No one’s even bothered trying to gentrify it yet.”

“But it’s Big Bird,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Big Bird never hurt anyone.  Big Bird has taught valuable lessons to young children for decades.  Big Bird brings joy and happiness wherever he goes.  Who has beef with Big Bird?”

“The nation’s poultry industry, maybe,” I say.  “Big Bird also doesn’t have a job or pay taxes.  He might not even be a citizen of the United States, though he probably hasn’t been grabbed by the INS because no one can figure out where exactly to deport him to.  He’s obviously that 47% of the population that Romney says will never vote for him.”

“This just seemly more assholish than usual to curb stomp public television – and in particular, educational children’s programming,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Have we reached Peak Asshole yet – where we’ve finally reached the highest point of assholishness that cannot be exceeded?”

Peak Asshole is a myth, a fable told to spare people of the cold, harsh reality of how society and the universe at large works.  And to prove it, here’s professional horrible person Rick Santorum with some words of defense for the idea of taking down Big Bird.

“I’ve voted to kill Big Bird in the past,” Romney’s ex-primary rival said. “I have a record there that I have to disclose. That doesn’t mean I don’t like Big Bird. You can kill things and still like them, maybe to eat them, I don’t know. That’s probably that. Can we — can we go back on that one?”

“Every day I get up and try to find reasons not to write off the human race as a mass of irredeemable psychopaths,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “This is not helping!”

“I was going to say maybe Rick Santorum was talking about easing the suffering of your terminally-ill loved ones with a painless death, but he’s against euthanasia,” I say.  “So maybe he just saw the movie Commando where Schwarzenegger says ‘You’re a funny guy Sully, I like you. That’s why I’m going to kill you last.’  But he doesn’t kill that guy last though so I don’t think that’s applicable.”

“Or maybe he’s talking about when you have to put your dog or cat down when they’re too sick and old,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Like when I was nine and my cat Whiskers the Calico got feline leukemia.”

“Is Rick Santorum saying Big Bird is dying of leukemia?”  I say.  “That is messed up.  Can Big Bird get treatment under ObamaCare?”

“It won’t matter because Romney wants to repeal ObamaCare, which was originally RomneyCare,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “Big Bird won’t get the medical care he needs without it.”

So if you’re keeping score at home, we’ve figured out that Mitt Romney wants to fire Big Bird and have him die in the gutter of untreated leukemia.  And for a surprisingly significant portion of the voting population, this is seen as a plus.

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