We here at Renal Failure have a keen interest in the spokespeople/press secretaries who work for political candidates or government agencies because they often represent the worst in humanity in that they have evolved past the need to be tethered to rationality, tactile reality, and any sense of shame or discomfort for the actions they take in servitude to the person who signs their paychecks. And their weapon of choice in this putrid duty is word-smithing, which is something we at Renal Failure also take a keen interest in.
Allow us to digress into our vast Renal archives to bring forth our Hall of Political Press Bullshitterance…
1)There was Homeland Security Adviser Francis Townsend back in 2007 telling us that their failure to kill Osama bin Laden at the time was “a success that hadn’t occurred yet.” We deemed this the dumbest thing ever said in the 21st century (and had some fun with it too), up until Sherri Shepherd on “The View” opened her mouth a few months later about not knowing that the world wasn’t flat.
2) It took until 2011 for the next big advance in pants-on-head retarditity in the spokesperson realm when Senator Jon Kyl’s said that the Senator’s outlandish claim that 90 percent of Planned Parenthood’s business was abortions “was not intended to be a factual statement.” This opened our minds to brazen lies we had never even conceived of telling, for with this phrase we could absolve ourselves of having no relationship to truth whatsoever.
3) Shortly after came Newt Gingrich’s press secretary who, in defense of his boss claiming that anyone quoting him from the previous week was lying, penned such a grandiose screed against reality that we dubbed it the Beowulf of political wanking.”
The latest entry into this pantheon of bullshit is Rick Santorum’s press lackey Alice Stewart. See, her boss came up with the wild claim out of the deep recesses of his lower GI tract that the Dutch involuntary euthanize their elderly, accounting for five percent of all deaths in the Netherlands. Well, Word got back to Holland and they took being called a nation of murderers by a US Presidential candidate better than I would have, most likely because “Americans Saying Stupid Shit” is probably their favorite drinking game over in the Netherlands and most of Europe. Anyway, the Dutch sent a reporter to a Santorum event to get some answers… and here’s where the fun begins. Or ends.
“She’s like one of those Mattel See n’ Says where you put the arrow on the picture on a cow, pull the string, and it tell you the cow goes moo or the rooster says cock-a-doodle-do,” I say. “Except everything on her See n’ Say says ‘He is a strong pro-life person.'”
“So being ‘strong pro-life’ means being fucking retarded,” says Tina the Lesbian. “That makes a lot of sense. More sense than I expected, actually. Wow…”
“I wonder what the Catholic Church’s position on replicants is,” says Mikka. “Because Rick Santorum is obviously employing one as a spokesperson in his campaign. And a badly-programmed replicant who doesn’t quite grasp human interaction at that.”
“When faced with an actual reporter, the Politi-Bot 3000 malfunctions and gets stuck in a feedback loop,” says Ninja Vicki. “We should be lucky she didn’t activate her self-destruct module in an attempt to escape the conversation.”
“I like how she says ‘it’s a matter of ‘what’s in his heart’ when trying to explain his boss’s bullshit,” says Anonymous Doug. “That’s like the touchy-feely way of saying that’s ‘not intended to be a factual statement.'”
“It’s a variation on when Ronald Reagan had to come out and tell everyone that they did sell arms to Iran for hostages,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. That quote being:
“A few months ago, I told the American people I did not trade arms for hostages. My heart and my best intentions still tell me that’s true, but the facts and evidence tell me it is not.”
“The facts and evidence are irrelevant to what your heart tells you,” Avonia continues. “Which makes me distrust the heart as a decision-making organ because it is really is not working in the best interests of anyone.”
“I know in my heart I didn’t spray my urine by the front the door of my house to keep other cats away,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “But Marlie and everyone else with a nose tell me differently. So I ignore them and listen to my kitty heart that tells me the things I want to hear, regardless of whether they make sense or not.”
“Why must reporters be so polite in the face of such contempt?” says Samurai Cathy. “I would take being told such bullshit as a personal insult to my honor, an insult that must be repaid with gushing amounts of blood.”
With this egregious affront to objective reality, among Santorum’s other hideous transgressions upon the universe, I won’t feel bad when he eventually loses and drags his mortified, crying kids on stage with him again when he gives his concession speech.