This snippet from a recent interview we saw on ThinkProgress between professional crazy woman and Presidential-hopeful Rep. Michele Bachmann and professional asshole pundit Sean Hannity got our attention. It was about how Bachmann forbids her daughters to ask boys out on dates, which is interesting, but not as interesting as what Hannity reveals…
BACHMANN: People do find out [in my book] that I did not get asked to my senior prom.
HANNITY: Well, neither did I. And nobody would go with me.
BACHMANN: Well, in my time, girls didn’t ask boys to prom. If you didn’t get asked, you didn’t go.
HANNITY: Yeah, well let me tell you, I have a 13-year-old son. Those days have changed big time.
BACHMANN: And our girls are not allowed to do that in our house. They have to wait for the boys to call.
“So… do you think if some girl asked Hannity to the prom, he wouldn’t have become a professional asshole on FOXNews and radio?” says Tina the Lesbian.
“I can’t say for sure,” I say. “What is the true transformative power of a woman’s affection? Is it stronger the deep roots of personal assholism that pervades Sean Hannity’s being?”
“When you’re young like that, little things like a prom date can steer your life in directions you would have never expected,” says Tina the Lesbian.
“So if I went to my high school proms with girls who found me attractive instead of girls who wanted to go to the prom but their boyfriends couldn’t go and I was the best non-threatening substitute they could find… *pause to inhale*… maybe I don’t grow up to become the misanthropic writer of a blog about half-cyborg cats and ninjas?” I say.
“It certainly couldn’t hurt your chances,” says Tina the Lesbian.
“I didn’t think you’d be someone to espouse the believe that timely vagina could alter the flow of history,” I say.
“I’m not saying vagina, I’m saying affection could possibly do that,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Or love, even.”
“Love, vagina, same thing,” I say. “And you being a lesbian should know that. Don’t try to pass off homosexual love as being a deeper, more meaningful love either. You’re all about the genitals just as much as us hetero-fuckers.”
“This is true,” says Tina the Lesbian. “But I’m saying just the affection or attention from the opposite sex in high school – not getting banged outright – might have been enough to stifle Sean Hannity’s asshole tendencies.”
“Well, he’s married with kids now,” I say. “Love certainly didn’t do shit for him. Neither did sex.”
“That’s because he did that as an adult,” says Tina the Lesbian. “That’s when your personality is pretty much out of the forge and into the bucket of water that finalizes your iron form. Sure you can hammer out a few dents, but you’re mostly locked in. But when you’re a kid, a teen, in your early twenties, you’re still working out who you are. There’s a window.”
“And would making it socially acceptable for girls to ask boys out on dates help get more people through that window to the non-asshole side?” I say.
“Absolutely,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Look what making it unacceptable has already done. It’s given us Michele Bachmann.”
“It also explains why homosexuality confounds her,” I say. “If girls aren’t supposed to be the ones initiating dates in her world, then how do lesbians get together? They must be violating the arbitrary rule! Shame on them!”
“Except she goes the extra step to create pray-the-gay-away clinics with her husband,” says Tina the Lesbian. “If only someone had asked her out in high school to the prom…”
“I’m not one who believes there’s a reason for everything,” I say. “But I’m pretty sure there were some damn good reasons why no one wanted to go to the prom with either Michele Bachmann or Sean Hannity. And I’m not sure any meddling in the timeline would change that.”
It’s not that we can’t travel back in time – Portuguese Intelligence has had time travel capability for the past 50 years – it’s that no one wants to volunteer to do such an odorous task of hooking up the insufferable Bachmann and Hannity with some poor soul. We’d much rather just use the time machine to go back in time and heckle famous speeches. For science.