Posts Tagged ‘religion’


When I make shit up, they don’t give me tax-exempt status

February 13, 2013

When the Pope said he was resigning, I was pretty confused because I didn’t know the Pope could do that.  They go through all that trouble and pomp to give you a position that grants you infallibility and moral authority, and now it turns out it’s  like any other job where you can quit when you feel like it? That’s some bullshit.  I’m supposed to kiss this guy’s papal ass when he can just retire like my grandpa did from his long-held position at the fucking shoe store?

Then it occurred to me that it’s kind of fucked up that God would choose you as the Pope and then make you unable to do your job.  And if God didn’t do that to the Pope then the Almighty dropped the damn ball – and dropped it hard – on protecting his top representative on his planet.  Or the cardinals cocked up selecting you to lead the Church, in that case it’s still God’s fault for not making his will clearly known to the people who represent his holy will.

Really, they’re just making shit up.

And the newest exhibit to back up that assertion was found on the Facebooks recently.  This letter from the Archdiocese of New Orleans regarding whether you can eat alligator during Lent:


“alligator is considered in the fish family”

Look, we already know the Church will totally ditch the entire “no meat on Fridays” deal for a bitching party, but you can’t go calling an alligator a fish.  If you called an alligator a fish in your kindergarten class, you would not get a gold star that day.  You would not even get a silver star.  You would not get a happy face sticker either.  Fuck, I wouldn’t even give you a juice box either because I’d be afraid you’d hurt yourself with the straw.  Put on your helmet and try not to eat all of the glue.

“alligator is considered in the fish family”

But this is Louisiana, where gator is good eatin’, and that’s fine.  But if you want to sell me on the idea of the Lenten season being one of solemn sacrifice, you can’t make outrageous loopholes for its most basic rules, especially ones that completely ignore established biology.  I know the Church ain’t too big on science, but now we’re getting into “There are four lights” territory here.  No wonder most members of the Catholic Church use birth control despite the Church’s negative position on it.  You have ranking members of its hierarchy thinking reptiles are fish.

We already know the Church is in the pocket of Big Seafood (which is why Lent exists in the first place, but now they’re bowing to the local gator lobby now?  Have the lawsuits for all the child buggery reduced local archdioceses to do the bidding of lesser industries now?

Reptiles are fish, sure!  Women should have autonomy over their reproductive organs?  FUCK NO!  You broads can’t even become priests!  Go sit in the convent and hang back while the men make the important decisions for the Church, like what is a fish.  Shit, it’s like you’re not even trying to hide that you’re just making shit up, like you’re saying it’s not worth the effort to try and trick people anymore. Forget justifying our archaic stances with two millenia of doctrines, scripture, and theological debate – we’re just going to do a bunch of arbitrary shit now.

This has lodged in my brain because it’s a much easier thing to wrap my head around than institutionalized concealment of decades of child molestations.  The callousness and detachment by Church officials to cover up child molestations takes a lot of effort to imagine and comprehend, let alone to begin to fathom all of the resources put to work to hide these deeds.  But alligator is a fish – that’s an easier devil to understand because it’s just fucking retarded.  It’s like this archbishop decided to give up knowing what shit is called for Lent.

I’m going to eat a Baconator on Ash Wednesday, and it’s going to be delicious.  And Lent is bullshit.



I don’t believe in your faith because I know more about it than you do

September 28, 2010

This little news item caught my eye

A new survey of Americans’ knowledge of religion found that atheists, agnostics, Jews and Mormons outperformed Protestants and Roman Catholics in answering questions about major religions, while many respondents could not correctly give the most basic tenets of their own faiths.

Being an atheist, it doesn’t surprise me that non-believers would score higher on religious knowledge tests because we look at religion in the same way we look at, say for example, comic books.  Both aren’t real, but we all know why Bruce Wayne became Batman or what planet Superman is from.  It’s general knowledge to atheists, something to help us win at Jeopardy or Bar Trivia.  It’s not something sacred, so that when we learn about some other faith we don’t fear that we’re cheating or sullying our faith (’cause we don’t have one) and that the Lord will punish us for our quest for knowledge (apples, anyone?  They’re juicy!)

I wasn’t surprised the Mormons knew the most about Christianity, considering Mormonism is sort of like an unwanted and unnecessary sequel in a movie franchise, in that it has to know the source material really well in order to ruin it.   We really didn’t need Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, the one where they go back in time to feudal Japan (we certainly didn’t need RoboCop 3 either), and a lot of Christians really don’t see the need for a twist in the story of Christianity where Jesus and Lucifer are really brothers and that the Israelites were the ancestors of the American Indians, and it’s all told by some guy who was really into having multiple wives reading from golden plates out of a hat.

Not surprising either was that American Christians had large gaps in the knowledge their own faiths, as I have a working theory that modern Christianity in the States is less about knowing about your faith and more about belonging to a special club and developing a superiority complex over nothing you’ve actually done so you can piss on people you don’t like.   You don’t have to know what Jesus actually said or what else happened in the Bible, you just have to know that as long as you believe in your particular flavor of Jesus that you’re better than all those hellbound queers, Muslims, Europeans, Catholics, scientists, Hindus, pro-choicers, godless atheists, vegetarians, whatever other group who draws your ire…

I’m also not surprised Wicca wasn’t on here because you can’t get Wiccans to agree en masse on anything – which is why their covens are smaller than the active lineup for a NHL hockey team – so questions about the faith would probably be a little too inconsistent for proper polling.  Then again, decentralization hasn’t stopped Protestant faiths from having millions of followers.  Go ahead, try to find the head of the Baptist religion.  You can’t.

Of course there’s no questions about atheism, probably other than “What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in the existence of a god or gods?”  We don’t have a mythology to draw from, and questions about Richard Dawkins are more literature questions than religious questions because he’s not the Pope of Atheism.  We don’t have a Pope or bishops or any titles in atheism because there’s nothing to be a cardinal over.  You either believe in god or you don’t, and if you do you’re not an atheist.  There’s no need to appeal to some authority about the issue.  It’s a straightforward question.

You have to take a thorough test to get into Judaism, maybe other faiths should follow suit.  Maybe you shouldn’t be born again until you can score above a combined 1800 on the Jesus SAT exam, or you don’t get to join that megachurch until you get all the pie pieces in a game of Pentecostal Trivial Pursuit, or you shouldn’t get your prayer rug until you reach the $32,000 mark on Who Wants to Be a Muslim?  Don’t feel like studying, then go atheist.  Our exam is a one question test.

I wonder if Cthulhu has a test.   Probably if your mind doesn’t melt after you see him, you pass.

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