We almost forgot that April is Confederate History Month, a glorious month in which certain southern states of the Union celebrate that one time 160 years ago when they decided not to be American anymore rather than stop owning black people. It’s like sticking your genitals in a bear trap, having the ripped from your body, and then throwing a party every year proclaiming that you’re going to get new genitals some day and when you do they’re going to right back in that bear trap to show it what’s what. To us fast-talking Yankee bastards, it reminds us to mock the South.
Now to be fair, Tennessee does not celebrate Confederate History Month, but they were still part of the Confederacy and still do some pants-on-head retarded shit, like bring up a bill in their Senate that updates their abstinence-only sexual education law that prohibits teachers from discussing “gateway sexual activities” such as “holding hands.”
Ah… just when I think there’s nothing in the news to skewer, the South never fails verify my abysmal opinion of it. It’s Happy Hour at the Failure, and we’ve got half-off specials on ridicule and snark.
“I don’t remember holding hands being talked about in my sex ed class,” says Anonymous Doug. “I remember the whole penis goes into the vagina and ejaculates part, but apparently they’re not that far advanced in Tennessee to get to that point. That knowledge only gets unlocked by the minister presiding over your wedding.”
“Do you know what’s really a gateway sexual activity? Having genitals,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Either seal up your cooch or lop off your twig and berries because as long as you have those, the gate’s always open.”
“Well, what are fingers but bony penises, right?” says Mikka. “The symbolism is there if you just look hard enough, and breathe in a lot of ammonia fumes in a small enclosed space.”
“I would think zealous repression of sexual knowledge is more of a gateway sexual activity than holding hands or kissing,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “All this is going to do is eliminate foreplay and have teens go straight for awkward, unlubricated penetration.”
“I want to see what else is a gateway sexual activity according to these people,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “Skirts above the knee? Skinny jeans? Tetris? We need to know what innocuous behavior will trigger a teen fuckfest according to the greatest minds the Volunteer State could assemble!”
“In Saudi Arabia, men holding hands in a sign of friendship and respect,” says Ninja Vicki. “But in Tennessee it’s a sign that sexual passion is brewing. How the hell are the Saudis more reasonable than Americans on this?”
Samurai Cathy found this passage interesting…
According to a 2009 Youth Risk Behavior Study, 61 percent of Memphis City high school students and 27 percent of middle school students have had sex. That’s higher than the national average.
“So they already have abstinence-only education, their teen sex rate is still higher than average, and their answer to this problem is to reduce what little their teens can be taught about anything peripheral of sex?” says Samurai Cathy. “So if this doesn’t work, what’s next? Not telling children how to go to the bathroom for fear they will touch their own genitals?”
I have no doubt there are people in non-Confederate states here in the north that think that this would be a good idea, but the difference is that it’s harder to make that idiotic notion into law up here. Not impossible, mind you (in fact it’s still quite probable), but you have to put a little more effort to turn lunacy into legislation outside of Dixie. We can’t rid the world of stupidity but could we at least do a better job of not letting stupidity gain the means to inflict itself on a large scale?
EXTRA SPECIAL NOTE: We noticed that we got over 200 hits on Wednesday of this week because Rick Santorum dropped out of the Presidential race because any time Santorum is big in the news we get a lot of hits because of this picture we posted about five years ago commemorating the time he lost his Senate seat by a landslide and dragged his unwilling family on stage to be the backdrop for his concession speech.
Now that he quit trying to be president, we’re probably not going to see those Santorum traffic spikes anymore, but that’s a small price to pay for knowing that people still find it unpalatable for him to hold political office. It’s a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day.