Posts Tagged ‘vagina’

h1

You can say “vagina” around the Stanley Cup

June 16, 2012

As a LA Kings fan since the Gretzky trade in ’88 (I’ve owned five Kings jerseys over the course of my life, two of them are still with me), seeing this was awesome, and I’ve been celebrating this all week so that’s why you haven’t seen much of anything here.  It also helps that the Kings had a lot of former Philadelphia Flyers on their roster and their front office, so that I could get some satisfaction regarding my Eastern Conference team.  And anytime New Jersey loses I’m happy because the Devils were responsible for turning hockey in the 90’s into a boring, clutching-and-grabbing game. Yeah, they didn’t invent the neutral zone trap, but they legitimized it as a system that slowed down the game and made it dull. Sure, the Devils don’t play that way anymore, but it’s like that joke about the drunk guy in the Irish pub telling the tourists he built the nearby castle, dredged the harbor, and built a wall but no one calls him Seamus the Castlebuilder, the Harbor Dredger, or the Wall Builder.  “But you fuck one goat…” You can’t unfuck that goat, New Jersey.  Not in my eyes.


This goal is what makes hockey better than all sports… except maybe for the Professional Titty-Fucking League…

So we’ve been in a good mood this week, and our usual bile and disdain toward the world has been put on low heat.  But we did notice the story in Michigan where a female lawmaker was banned from speaking on the Senate floor because she said vagina during a debate on a bill regarding abortion.

“Mr Speaker, I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina, but ‘no’ means ‘no,'” she said.

Her use of the word “vagina” led house Republicans to prohibit her from speaking on school employee retirement bill.

According to the Detroit News, the majority floor leader, Jim Stamas, ruled that Brown’s comments had violated the decorum of the house.

Another Republican, Nashville, MI, representative Mike Callton, added: “What she said was offensive. It was so offensive I don’t even want to say it in front of women. I would not say that in mixed company.”

Now this is a prime example of why I can never hold political office – decorum.  Because if I had to deal with fuckwits like Representative Mike Callton on a daily basis, I wouldn’t just be guilty of violating decorum, I’d be running a train on a decorum so hard it would tear in half.   Fuck a swear jar, I’d need a Swear 55-gallon drum for the amount of profanity these dickstains would trigger from me with their idiocy. I would need an intern to create new terms of disdain because I would have used all the ones I currently employ in my lexicon within the first six months of being in any governing body.

Decorum is a sham, an illusion, an artificial construct that encourages bullshit.  What is should be replaced with is the concept called “Don’t be an asshole.”  It encourages a sense of civility while still allowing you to call bullshit on bullshit.  It’s like a self-defense class where the guy in the big padded suit grabs you and then you kick him the crotch and punch the shit out of him to end the threat, except in this case it’s done on an intellectual level rather than a physical one. When faced with bullshit from an asshole, you are allowed to call bullshit on it under the law of “Don’t be an asshole.”

The problem is that “asshole” is the number one thing people in America grow up to be.  We’re good at “asshole.”  We’ve perfected it.  We’ve got the pure uncut stuff on tap in our DNA’s.  Being an asshole has to increase dopamine levels in your brain, because we are pathetic creatures of desire and addiction. There has to be some sort reward for assholism in chemicals of the brain that is too great to pass up.  So “don’t be an asshole” may be a tougher system to implement than the facade of decorum.  Decorum lets you get away with getting the vapors when someone mentions the word vagina in a debate about abortions, “don’t be an asshole” doesn’t.

This isn’t our first foray into exploring assholism.  We have the Asshole Hat and Asshole Credit theory.  We also have our theory about people covering up their assholic tendencies by hiding behind conservatism.  And then there’s our theory of Asshole Jesus who is not to be confused with Actual Jesus.

So yay Kings!  Boo assholes!  Yay vaginas!

 

 

h1

Letters from my vagina

March 15, 2012

“What’cha doing?”  I say to Tina the Lesbian.

“I’m writing a letter to my congressman,”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“What about?”  I say.

“I’m giving him a detailed description of what’s going on in my vagina,”  says Tina the Lesbian.

*blink* *blink*

“Tina, our congressman is a crock pot full of blood,”  I say. “He’s not going to find descriptions of your lady parts erotic.  And I’m also assuming he’s male… so what’s the deal?”

“Well, every other day some fuckhead in a political office comes up with an idea to involve themselves in the workings of vaginas and uteri and ovaries and such,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “And even worse, that fuckhead’s got thirty other friends in the same chamber of government ready to back him on legislating government interest in my lady parts, whether it’s about contraception or shoving an ultrasound wand up my cooch.”

“Yeah, it does seem like there’s been a flood of politicians lately wanting to pass tougher regulations on vaginas than on banking or oil drilling,”  I say. “I mean, fuck, it’s easier to own a gun than a vagina these days.”

“So my thought is that if politicians are so interested in my vagina, I should tell them all about it,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “On a daily basis.  In the form of written correspondence.  And in graphic detail.”

“Sounds like something Tag Larkin’s done before,”  I say.  And indeed he has.  Tag Larkin used to send the governor letters about his cock.  What his cock was doing. Where his cock had been.  What his cock had slapped that day.  And that’s why Tag Larkin is no longer allowed to use the mail.

“Well, I’d like to think I’m a better writer than Tag Larkin,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “At least I can use first-person pronouns when referring to myself.  And I’m not doing this alone either.  Avonia the Wiccan Pimp is helping.”

“She’s got wonderful calligraphy,”  I say.  “Reading a letter about what’s going on with her snatch must be reading a Shakespearean sonnet.”

“She’s not writing,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “She’s calling our Senator’s office every day to talk to him about her infertility issues.  Well, she tries to talk to the Senator, but usually she just ends up talking to whatever political aide answers the phone.  Just chattering away about why she and husband can’t have children… about her ovary problems… and her malformed cervix…”

“Do you think these graphic letters and phone calls will do anything?”  I say.

“Probably not, but it does feel good to tell someone else about my recent problems with vaginal dryness,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “I don’t know if the foreplay’s not working or I’m stressed out or what, but I do know that KY is our world’s most precious resource.”

I’m hoping it at least gets people talking frankly and candidly about vaginas.  And perhaps a talk show on TV called Pussy Talk.  I would watch that.  Every night.

h1

That is So Beef Curtains!

June 30, 2011

*blink* *blink*

“What the fuck did I just watch?”  I say.

Turns out I was watching a viral ad campaign for Summer’s Eve.  Yeah, the douche people.  They’re trying to be relevant again by doing this campaign where they’re trying to get people to say “That’s Vaginal!” instead of “That’s Awesome!”, and they’re doing it with a cat puppet spokesperson because we suspect no human being wanted to be directly associated with such tripe.  Well, almost no human…

“We created ‘That’s Vaginal!’ as an entertaining way to drive home an important point: The industry, including Summer’s Eve, and society have talked in code about the vagina and women’s genitalia for too long, and it’s time for a change. Women tell us they’re ready to embrace talking about their bodies in an open, honest way,” said Angela Bryant, director of U.S. marketing, feminine care for Summer’s Eve. “We’ve been dancing around the word ‘vagina’ for so long, we wanted to invent an unexpected, fun way to give it a new, positive place in today’s vernacular.”

“And maybe I would be open to such a message if it wasn’t coming from a company that makes douche,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Yes, your vagina is awesome, now douse it in vinegar, you dirty whore!  That just doesn’t fly with me.”

“Yeah, vaginas are awesome until you throw off the chemical balance in there with douche,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “That so vaginal, as in the infection you’re going to get.”

“I would have gone with vulvatastic,”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “Or vulvacious.  Come on, why is the vulva getting the shaft here?  Oh… because the vagina is what gets the shaft… of course…”

“Clitastic works for me,”  says Samurai Cathy.  “Because if I was going to pick something down there to express awesomeness, I’m going with what makes me feel the awesomest.  That’s what gets all nine of my toes a-curling.”


In the 1950’s there was only one thing more threatening than communism… your wife’s stinky lady parts.

“I’ve seen some things that were vaginal, but they were far from awesome,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Every cock isn’t a Roman column of turgid power, and every vagina isn’t a tunnel of treasures either.”

“Well, I do like the fact that cat has a butler working for it,”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “However, the fact that he’s being used as the figurehead in this insipidness makes him an embarrassment to all felines.  Okay, yes… cat, pussy, vagina… we get it. Ha ha!  How droll of you, Summer’s Eve.  You douchebags… which you manufacture.”

“This is not the way to introduce a catch phrase into the popular culture,” says Mikka.  “The vagina people should know that you can’t force it.  And you’re definitely not getting it in there by being corny, that’s for sure.”

Mikka is right.  Look, Summer’s Eve, this whole “That’s Vaginal!” thing ain’t going to work, because we’ve already tried it.  Back in 2008, we tried to enter Vagin-o-mite! (say it like Jimmie Walker’s Dyn-o-mite!) into the collective lexicon of society and didn’t work.  We now know why: because you can’t try to invent a catchphrase.  You have to not be trying to create a catchphrase to properly create one.  But still… vagin-o-mite was a great phrase.  And it is actually vaginal.  So fuck you, Summer’s Eve, for retreading where we’ve already been, except with more money and actual douche.

%d bloggers like this: