
The Renal Failure Players
Main characters
Me: Pay no mind to me. I just hang out here for the free Boston Kreme donuts.
Bernie the Half Cyborg Cat: He’s half-real cat/half robotic cat. He’s my neighbor and he’s married to a nice Irish girl.
Anonymous Doug: Who is he? I could tell you, but you won’t remember. That’s how he operates.
Mikka: My Finnish friend from Chin-Finn Town. He thinks he’s Chinese sometimes, but he’s not. He likes video games and curling.
Ninja Vicki: She’s my neighbor, and she’s a ninja. She is very lonely because it’s hard for ninjas to date.
Tina the Lesbian: She likes girls. And Ani DeFranco. But not flannel.
Psycho Dave: Local madman. He takes bad ideas, makes them worse, and then acts on them. No, he doesn’t work for the government.
Avonia the Wiccan Pimp: She’s our connection to pre-Christian religious practices. And she has a legion of hookers working for her so she can pay her bills.
Mercury Shadow: Our local superhero. He has the power of… something with shadows coming to life and beating people up. I’m not sure. It’s been a while since he used his power because the crime rate is so low in town.
Crimson Paraplegic: She’s our other superhero in town, and she’s a paraplegic so her legs don’t work. But she’s got super strength and can fly.
Tag Larkin: Tag Larkin cannot be described, only felt. He’s like the wind, if you didn’t know any words to describe the wind.
Samurai Cathy: She’s a samurai, and Ninja Vicki’s sworn enemy from high school. She’s dating Mikka.
Mid-major characters
Marlie: Bernie’s hot redhead wife. She is not a cat, but a 5′ 7″ woman from Cork. She’s sometimes incomprehensible, either because she’s very Irish or very drunk.
Sean and Lucia Wheatley: Young married couple in my neighborhood. They’re easily frightened. Mostly about the gays.
Trent Lott: He was the former Senator from Mississippi, and the fliest peckerwood to ever hold elective office.
Lance Patriarchy: He’s the living embodiment of our male dominated society. He’s fun to hang out with if you have a penis.
Minor characters
Doctor Fireman: He’s my general practitioner. He does not put out fires, unless you come into his office on fire.
Jackal: He’s the American intelligence agent tapping my phone. He does this because he is very lonely.
Jeff Malton: He’s a fucking asshole. Then he went to Iraq and got his crotch blown off by an IED. Now he’s a fucking asshole with no crotch.
Lt. Vic Easel: Our local military recruiter. He lives in constant fear of getting shipped over to whatever warzone we’re in today.
Todd Rigid: He runs the Adultatorium. He’ll get you a good deal on a vibrator shaped like Jem.
Black Jesus: He’s black, he’s the son of the Christian God, and he works at a gay bar so no one can find him and kill him.
Fur Elise: She’s a furry. She wears a different hybrid animal suit a day. She creeps us out and we’d rather not be around her.
Count Joey: Italian vampire. Because of his vampirism he can no longer eat his momma’s garlic meat sauce. He hides the pain with bocce.
Our City Council
- Suitcase of Scorpions (R-3rd District, actual suitcase of scorpions)
- Natalya Konstantinov (D-4th District, former supervillian henchwoman)
- Sean Connery (R-5th District, not the actor)
- Tatianna Fangoria (CouncilSuccubus at-Large, I-Creatures of the Night Party)
- Miika Song Li (D-6th District a.k.a. Chin-Fin Town)
- Johnny Omega (D-1st District, cyborg)
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That black Jesus seems like a sharp fellow. I also think (hope because it would make me seem important) that the Jackal is tapping my phone and recording a list of my vulnerabilities.
amazing cast of characters.
I’m going to have to start coming around here more often.
The Renal Failure archives go back to December of 2005. You could spend a whole week here.