The Renal Failure Players

Main characters

Me: Pay no mind to me. I just hang out here for the free Boston Kreme donuts.

Bernie the Half Cyborg Cat: He’s half-real cat/half robotic cat. He’s my neighbor and he’s married to a nice Irish girl.

Anonymous Doug: Who is he? I could tell you, but you won’t remember. That’s how he operates.

Mikka: My Finnish friend from Chin-Finn Town. He thinks he’s Chinese sometimes, but he’s not. He likes video games and curling.

Ninja Vicki: She’s my neighbor, and she’s a ninja. She is very lonely because it’s hard for ninjas to date.

Tina the Lesbian: She likes girls. And Ani DeFranco. But not flannel.

Psycho Dave: Local madman. He takes bad ideas, makes them worse, and then acts on them. No, he doesn’t work for the government.

Avonia the Wiccan Pimp: She’s our connection to pre-Christian religious practices. And she has a legion of hookers working for her so she can pay her bills.

Mercury Shadow: Our local superhero. He has the power of… something with shadows coming to life and beating people up. I’m not sure. It’s been a while since he used his power because the crime rate is so low in town.

Crimson Paraplegic:  She’s our other superhero in town, and she’s a paraplegic so her legs don’t work.  But she’s got super strength and can fly.

Tag Larkin: Tag Larkin cannot be described, only felt. He’s like the wind, if you didn’t know any words to describe the wind.

Samurai Cathy: She’s a samurai, and Ninja Vicki’s sworn enemy from high school.  She’s dating Mikka.
Mid-major characters

Marlie: Bernie’s hot redhead wife. She is not a cat, but a 5′ 7″ woman from Cork. She’s sometimes incomprehensible, either because she’s very Irish or very drunk.

Sean and Lucia Wheatley: Young married couple in my neighborhood. They’re easily frightened. Mostly about the gays.

Trent Lott: He was the former Senator from Mississippi, and the fliest peckerwood to ever hold elective office.

Lance Patriarchy: He’s the living embodiment of our male dominated society. He’s fun to hang out with if you have a penis.
Minor characters

Doctor Fireman: He’s my general practitioner. He does not put out fires, unless you come into his office on fire.

Jackal: He’s the American intelligence agent tapping my phone. He does this because he is very lonely.

Jeff Malton: He’s a fucking asshole. Then he went to Iraq and got his crotch blown off by an IED. Now he’s a fucking asshole with no crotch.

Lt. Vic Easel: Our local military recruiter. He lives in constant fear of getting shipped over to whatever warzone we’re in today.

Todd Rigid: He runs the Adultatorium. He’ll get you a good deal on a vibrator shaped like Jem.

Black Jesus: He’s black, he’s the son of the Christian God, and he works at a gay bar so no one can find him and kill him.

Fur Elise: She’s a furry. She wears a different hybrid animal suit a day. She creeps us out and we’d rather not be around her.

Count Joey: Italian vampire. Because of his vampirism he can no longer eat his momma’s garlic meat sauce. He hides the pain with bocce.

Our City Council

• Suitcase of Scorpions (R-3rd District, actual suitcase of scorpions)
• Natalya Konstantinov (D-4th District, former supervillian henchwoman)
• Sean Connery (R-5th District, not the actor)
• Tatianna Fangoria (CouncilSuccubus at-Large, I-Creatures of the Night Party)
• Miika Song Li (D-6th District a.k.a. Chin-Fin Town)
• Johnny Omega (D-1st District, cyborg)

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